Dick: You know that scene in Ghostbusters 2 when Janine answers the phone and says, "Ghostbusters. Yes, we're back."? (I know you put the question mark inside the quotations, but I think this serves as an exception). Anyway, this is our "yes, we're back" moment.
Pralines: It's been a long layoff, but we're not dead like the XFL. We're back and better (sorta) than ever, like American Gladiators. Now I want to welcome our fans back with our discussion on college football coaches we love, hate and can readily poke fun at from a safe distance. I'll start the bidding with a Charlie Weis and raise you an overpaid, in-over-his-head walking planetarium who can't beat a worthwhile team to save his job. Now offer him a 76 oz. steak and he'll run up the score like it's his cholesterol.
D: Jabba the Coach was handed a 10-year extension after his first year on the job. You know, the one in which he won a good amount of games with players recruited by the scourge of the Fighting Irish, Tyrone Willingham? Yeah, Mr. Willingham was shown the door after three years on the job, with an eerily similar career record to the one Weis is sporting now. Well now that Irish fans are looking down their noses once more at Tyrone because of his recent dismissal from Washington, they also seem to be turning a blind eye to the big man upstairs running their program into the ground. And I'm not talking about Touchdown Jesus either. Of course, if Weis' office isn't upstairs, then this little joke of mine tanks like a lead balloon.
P: His office is going to be at the local Golden Corral, which is where you can find him drowning his sorrows in a buffet of red meat covered with soft serve. He did a nice job as you said with someone else's guys, and then fell off shortly after losing those talented upper classmen. Well, he's had time to recruit his people and so far, no good. If Notre Dame doesn't make a change, they're going to look terribly hypocritical in the eyes of the nation, and the Lord, God, Arthur Fonzarelli. Fonzie be praised!
D: Weis shouldn't be immune to the scrutiny that was poured onto his predecessors, Bob Davie and the aforementioned Willingham. They enjoyed early success, struggled a bit, and then updated their resumes after a few short years. Weis isn't the only coach on the hot seat though. Phillip Fulmer couldn't keep his critics down any longer. The Volunteers thought 17 years at the helm was long enough for the big, although smaller than Weis, guy. He won his last game against Kentucky and finished his last season at a measly 5-7. Why everyone hated him so much, I'll never know. I mean, last year he won 10 games and captured the SEC East. Last freakin year. Oh well. It's not my call.
P: Yeah, some schools just really don't know what they've got til it's gone. Now they've hired Lane Kiffin as the heir apparent to Fulmer's throne of used motor oil cans, or whatever the hell people from Tennessee make thrones out of. He might be a sexy hire, and I guess he technically has experience as an NFL head coach, albeit with the Oakland "Black Hole" Raiders, but the SEC is possibly tougher than the AFC West. Actually this season, I'm pretty much certain it is. Why not go after Mad Mike Leach?
D: What I've heard is that a bunch of Tennessee recruits were jumping ship after the news of Fulmer's resignation/firing, and they needed to act fast. Leach was in the middle of an awesomely heated Big XII South race, and he still has a bowl game to go. I think Leach would be a great fit at Tennessee, but I don't think Kiffin was a bad hire either. What he needs to do is begin damage control as quickly as possible, keep the recruits on board by selling his NFL ties, and turn Tennessee into USC East by utilizing the tricks he learned from Pete Carroll, the recruiting guru.
P: Yeah I certainly don't want to knock Kiffin before his career at Tennessee begins and I think he has a better than average chance of being a good coach there, but I love me some Mike Leach. Maybe because he looks and acts almost nothing like a football coach at a major program, except for the whole winning thing. Honestly, he closely resembles a bowling coach I once had in middle school. The jowls, the sullen eyes, the slightly feathered hair...did I mention my bowling coach was a chick? Yikes.
D: Haha. I love Leach and all that he has done. The pirate infatuation, the history buffness, the obvious intelligence, the quirky sense of humor, it's all good. I also love and appreciate that he didn't play college football. Neither did Paul Johnson, who looks like a damn genius after toppling the mighty Jaow-gia Bulldawgs, thereby ending their seven-game winning streak against the in-state rival. Two coaches, neither played college football, neither run conventional offenses, and both win games in large quantities. Boom.
P: To quote a master songwriter, of this or any generation: "Bitch, I'm the bomb like tick, tick." The Georgia Tech win over the Dawgs was very impressive for the reasons you mentioned above. Also it allows us to segue nicely from Lil Wayne to underdog teams. It wouldn't be a Pralines and Dick blog without some home state bias, so how 'bout them...Cardinals? They're still undefeated with the MAC championship game awaiting if my sources are correct, and they always are because my sources are in my head. Sir?
D: Gotta love those mighty fighting Cardinals. They are, after all, the fiercest robin-sized birds on the planet. This MAC championship game is a huge trap game for us. Buffalo has wily young coach who enjoyed a lot of playing success at Nebraska, so he knows how to win games. I'm not too concerned, but it is something to be aware of. As far as bowl games go, I don't think we should go BCS-ing just because Utah has a longer track record, as does Boise State. A bowl victory and a 14-0 record (at the end of the season, of course) is a wonderful feat, and should not be taken lightly. A few more years of continued success, and the BCS will come. I just hope Brady Hoke doesn't leave for greener pastures (but I'm pretty sure he will). So long, Nate Davis. So long, Brady Hoke. So long, undefeated seasons. You were fun while you lasted.
P: I fear you're right. The Ball State story was a nice one this season, but I don't see more of the same in the immediate future for your Cards. So my advice to you is party it up while you can with a really good football team at your school, which I'm sure you've been doing already, or my name isn't Pralines.
D: I sure have been. I was a split second away from getting shown on ESPN2. They showed my roommates, and I was the last guy on the line. Right when the camera got to me, it faded back out to the game. Apparently a grown man wearing a monkey suit with a red and white wig and a polka dot tie with a sign that says 'HAVEN'T BEATEN ANYBODY? WE'VE BEATEN EVERYBODY' "isn't marketable." And apparently that same grown man "scares small children" and "has a weight problem" and "gets deodorant cakes in his armpits." What a world we live in.
P: Don't forget "Wipe properly." I hazily remember atttending a Halloween party in which you wore said monkey suit. To say that party was a moderate success would be on par with saying The Dark Knight made a little money at the box office. Donkey Kong, I salute you.
D: It was that same suit, just with some BSU additions. And I appreciate the party props. We will probably have a letter jacket party sometime soon, which is exactly what it sounds like. You are, of course, invited...whenever it happens. Until then, let's blog on. Let's hold a PTI-style oddsmakers showdown. First up, what are the odds Charlie Weis keeps his job after this season?
P: I won't be shocked if he's out as head coach of the Fightin' Man Boobs before next season, but I think Notre Dame will give him at least the start of another shot, so I'm gonna go with a 40% chance he's out after the season.
D: 40% sounds good, but I think I'll go with a 51%. It seems like a push, but you just can't push around here. I think he should receive the same treatment as the last two in his position. For some reason, though, those Golden Domers love that fat bastard. Maybe it's the Super Bowl rings. Maybe they're afraid he will eat South Bend like Godzilla. Who knows? Next up, what are the odds that Lane Kiffin goes .500 or better next year, his first on the job?
P: I'm going to base this number not on what I think Kiffin can accomplish as coach, but on just who Tennessee has on the field, of which I really know nothing. Kiffin will do a good job in his first year, but I'm not seeing anything remarkable like a Nick Saban and his Tampon Warriors, er, Crimson Tide, have done this season. Still I'm going to go pretty high here and say 80% the Vols are at least .500 under Monte's boy.
D: You know what? I'll go higher. I have been a Tennessee fan for years, but I don't think my bias is weighing in here. On second thought, my bias is absolutely weighing in here. Anyway, I say there's a 100% chance that the Vols break .500 next year. It may only be 7-5, but that works for the purposes of our game. My optimism is based not on the ability to score under Kiffin's new offensive scheme, but most assuredly based on the defensive talent they return. Eric Berry is one of the best players in the country, regardless of age or position. Bringing in Lane's poppa Monte as defensive coordinator, as is the rumor, will exploit his talents and set the rest of the SEC on fire.
…some time goes by…*
D: You still around?
P: Sorry. I got distracted by something shiny.
D: Oh its cool, man. Do we have any more material or are we flaccid?
P: I think we leave 'em wanting more. We really went full circle, focused, devolving into nothingness and back to focus, with measurable numbers even.
D: So there it is. Expert opinions from the most amateur experts money can buy. Maybe we should look into getting paid for this. I mean, it takes work...but we can get into that on another day. That's all for now, you beautiful babies. Thanks for welcoming us back into your retinas. We love ya.
P: I'd like to dedicate this blog to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today. Cameron Frye, this one's for you.
*It could have been a drug-induced coma, a drunken blackout, or maybe a few minutes. The world can never know.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Parsley, Sage Rosenfels, and Thyme
Dick: Al Davis said if we don't produce more blogs, we would be replaced and not paid for our work. I found that weird since I didn't know we were under his employ, and we definitely aren't getting paid. Nonetheless, here we go. MLB playoffs are in full swing, college football is picking up where last season left off, and the NFL is still a little murky and tough to read. Thoughts? Questions? Sweet nothings?
Pralines: The. Chicago. Cubs. I am not alone in thinking you make Dr. Henry "Gunther" Heimlich look like the guy who didn't invent the maneuver to dislodge whatever got collectively stuck in your teams' esophagus. The Dodgers are good, but swept at home with the best record in the N.L.? That's insane. The Cubs will never win the World Series. I'm now calling for a Tampa Bay/Los Angeles World Series matchup. I've got the Rays in 6.
D: Tampa Bay has a lot of the swagger and mojo that recent Florida Marlins teams have had. They just seem to be heading in the right direction. It's a great story, too. A team that couldn't even win with Lou Piniella at the helm suddenly comes out of nowhere to take the AL east, the most historically rich division in all of baseball. Speaking of Sweet Lou, the Cubs are more devastating to the city of Chicago than cow-induced arson. I've never been a huge fan of big city teams, but I am glad the White Sox took home the crown a few years ago. If it weren't for them, the Super Fans might have had to relocate to Beijing, where championships are genetically engineered.
P: Sweet Lou's going to be receiving a sweet pink slip if his team slips up bigtime next season. Two trips to the postseason under his belt with the Cubbies, and this year going in as a big favorite, and he's 0 for his life in Chi-town in the playoffs. The talent level's not the problem. Winning in the regular season isn't the problem. They need a Tony Robbins-like figure to motivate their asses off or to turn to the Zen art of meditation to reach a higher plane of consciousness and learn how to play baseball as astral projections of themselves. Beats getting booed in person.
D: This year did have a cosmic/karmic feel to it for them, too. It would have been 100 years since their last title. They had no drastic injuries that ruined their playoff hopes. They went wire to wire and held off a late push by the Brew Crew. But like they say, almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. No one should ever believe this is the Cubs' year until they record their 3rd out in the 9th inning of their 4th win of the World Series. Seriously, Chicago. Get some fat ladies, and teach them to sing. The Cubbies need all the finishing help they can get.
P: Let's move on to cheerier topics. How 'bout them Cowboys? Well, they lost at home against Washington for the first time in about 20 years, T.O. has roughly 1/3 of the offense going through him and he's complaining about needing the ball more, and today Adam Jones pulled a Pacman by eating dots and fruit and chasing brightly colored effeminate ghosts around a maze, I mean, he got the cops called on him. They were alot of people's Super Bowl pick for this year, but now they look ready to implode at any second.
D: I hope they do. When you have a back like Marion Barber, who is fully capable of making an opposing defense look soft and decrepit, you should probably give him more than 8 carries. When you draft a burner like Felix Jones in the first round, you should probably get him more than 0 (yes, zero) touches. When you have a mercurial talent like Terrell Owens, who is just as likely to score 3 touchdowns as he is to break down and wear a tutu in the middle of Texas Stadium, you should probably tell him to shut his goddamn mouth and catch the ball when it is thrown at him. That's it. I would love to see the Giants continue to steamroll folks and win the NFC east by a mile. America's team, my ass. I hate the Cowboys.
P: Giants are looking great right meow in the NFC, as are the Redskins. The Eagles have fallen off as I totally saw coming. I'm not down with analysts calling McNabb one of the league's top QB's when he's been injured and forced to miss games in like his last three seasons. This would be his first complete season in like 3-4 years, which is ludicrous. The qualifier "when he's healthy" ain't for shit when you're chowing Campbell's Chunky Soup on the sideline the last half of the season. The AFC...wtf, mate? I dunno what's going on over there. Colts are lucky to be 2-2. Chargers are a mess. Titans are undefeated with Kerry Collins at QB? It hurts my brain to think about.
D: Don't forget Miami. Ronnie Brown is straight beasting it. If Chad Pennington can limit his mistakes, Ronnie Brown can keep his level of play up where it has been, Icky Sticky Ricky Williams can continue to meditate instead of toke up, and the Big Tuna's defensive mindset can take hold, look out for the Fins. Also the Bills. Trent Edwards, Marshawn (Ugliest-guy-in-the-league) Lynch, and Lee Evans constitute a heck of a trio up in Buffalo-town. How awesome would it be if the perennial doormats of the east came back to make the playoffs and shut the door on the Cassel-led Pats? As for the Colts, well...health is serving as a major detriment, while piss poor defense and special teams continue to bog the team down. Thanks for guys like Gus Frerotte and Sage Rosenfels who just can't help but cost their teams a victory. On a related sidenote: how super badass was Rosenfels' flying helicopter fumble??? Sweet mercy.
P: That was amazing looking. As was Gary "Stumpy" Brackett's fumble recovery-TD run. If I had to call it right meow, I'm calling for the Giants to make it back to the Super Bowl and I can't even decide on an AFC team right meow, they're all so out of whack. I don't trust the Titans maintaining this level of play. Jeff Fisher's good people and that defense is awesome, but too many questions on offense. And what of the Vince Young one man drama department? Even if he's not playing, he can find someway to throw a wrench in this whole thing. Or use that wrench to break Kerry Collins' ankle. Either way. Either way's fine.
D: I agree about Tennessee. I haven't really seen them play this year, but it has to be a lot of "beginner's luck," if you will. I know, I know--they can run the ball and play good defense, which every ESPN talking head says you need to do to win in the playoffs. Blah blah blah. Until the Pats, Bolts, and Colts are officially dethroned, it is going to be hard to count them out, especially this early in the season. When the Colts get Lilja and Sanders back, things could start to click. And as soon as Norv Turner remembers that LT is a better offensive player than Philip Rivers, San Diego will probably cause some problems too. But the frontrunners now seem to be Tennessee, Buffalo, and Denver. Pardon my skepticism, but no fucking way are those going to be the top 3 seeds come playoff time.
P: The Steelers are in the mix too. Until Big Ben gets a big broken bone with all the punishment he's enduring of late amidst all the other injuries on his squad. Meow I don't know what's so damn funny about picking the Bills.* Giants-Bills in the big game would be fantastic. Then again, so would Giants-Colts. Eli to Peyton 1 week before their Super Bowl showdown: "It's on like Donkey Kong."
D: I just hope the Colts can survive this brutal schedule over the next month at or above .500. When Pocket Hercules comes back to shore up the defense with his dreads and Superman cape, things will get back to the way they should be. Honestly, it might not be the worst thing in the world for the Colts to not wrap up the division in week 13 and lose all their momentum before another lackluster first round exit. The last 3 Super Bowl champions played on wild card weekend. Coincidence? Methinks not.
P: Meow that's some logic I can get behind. Let's end this tea party. I'm late for an important engagement with beer and sports. I'd hate to keep Mr. Coors waiting.
D: "I think I'll just quit while I'm ahead." "You're not that far ahead, Ted."
P: I'm lost on this quote and I am ashamed. Starting right meow.
D: It's from There's Something About Mary. No harm, no foul.
P: Thank you, Chuck Norris. I mean, Dick.
D: Have a good one, pal. Tell our old friend beer that I miss him and love him.
P: I'll pass along the sentiments. But he won't pass me any sediments. Beer joke.
D: Hayoh!
P: Until next time, Dick.
*Officer, that’s not ours.
Candy bars!!!
Pralines: The. Chicago. Cubs. I am not alone in thinking you make Dr. Henry "Gunther" Heimlich look like the guy who didn't invent the maneuver to dislodge whatever got collectively stuck in your teams' esophagus. The Dodgers are good, but swept at home with the best record in the N.L.? That's insane. The Cubs will never win the World Series. I'm now calling for a Tampa Bay/Los Angeles World Series matchup. I've got the Rays in 6.
D: Tampa Bay has a lot of the swagger and mojo that recent Florida Marlins teams have had. They just seem to be heading in the right direction. It's a great story, too. A team that couldn't even win with Lou Piniella at the helm suddenly comes out of nowhere to take the AL east, the most historically rich division in all of baseball. Speaking of Sweet Lou, the Cubs are more devastating to the city of Chicago than cow-induced arson. I've never been a huge fan of big city teams, but I am glad the White Sox took home the crown a few years ago. If it weren't for them, the Super Fans might have had to relocate to Beijing, where championships are genetically engineered.
P: Sweet Lou's going to be receiving a sweet pink slip if his team slips up bigtime next season. Two trips to the postseason under his belt with the Cubbies, and this year going in as a big favorite, and he's 0 for his life in Chi-town in the playoffs. The talent level's not the problem. Winning in the regular season isn't the problem. They need a Tony Robbins-like figure to motivate their asses off or to turn to the Zen art of meditation to reach a higher plane of consciousness and learn how to play baseball as astral projections of themselves. Beats getting booed in person.
D: This year did have a cosmic/karmic feel to it for them, too. It would have been 100 years since their last title. They had no drastic injuries that ruined their playoff hopes. They went wire to wire and held off a late push by the Brew Crew. But like they say, almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. No one should ever believe this is the Cubs' year until they record their 3rd out in the 9th inning of their 4th win of the World Series. Seriously, Chicago. Get some fat ladies, and teach them to sing. The Cubbies need all the finishing help they can get.
P: Let's move on to cheerier topics. How 'bout them Cowboys? Well, they lost at home against Washington for the first time in about 20 years, T.O. has roughly 1/3 of the offense going through him and he's complaining about needing the ball more, and today Adam Jones pulled a Pacman by eating dots and fruit and chasing brightly colored effeminate ghosts around a maze, I mean, he got the cops called on him. They were alot of people's Super Bowl pick for this year, but now they look ready to implode at any second.
D: I hope they do. When you have a back like Marion Barber, who is fully capable of making an opposing defense look soft and decrepit, you should probably give him more than 8 carries. When you draft a burner like Felix Jones in the first round, you should probably get him more than 0 (yes, zero) touches. When you have a mercurial talent like Terrell Owens, who is just as likely to score 3 touchdowns as he is to break down and wear a tutu in the middle of Texas Stadium, you should probably tell him to shut his goddamn mouth and catch the ball when it is thrown at him. That's it. I would love to see the Giants continue to steamroll folks and win the NFC east by a mile. America's team, my ass. I hate the Cowboys.
P: Giants are looking great right meow in the NFC, as are the Redskins. The Eagles have fallen off as I totally saw coming. I'm not down with analysts calling McNabb one of the league's top QB's when he's been injured and forced to miss games in like his last three seasons. This would be his first complete season in like 3-4 years, which is ludicrous. The qualifier "when he's healthy" ain't for shit when you're chowing Campbell's Chunky Soup on the sideline the last half of the season. The AFC...wtf, mate? I dunno what's going on over there. Colts are lucky to be 2-2. Chargers are a mess. Titans are undefeated with Kerry Collins at QB? It hurts my brain to think about.
D: Don't forget Miami. Ronnie Brown is straight beasting it. If Chad Pennington can limit his mistakes, Ronnie Brown can keep his level of play up where it has been, Icky Sticky Ricky Williams can continue to meditate instead of toke up, and the Big Tuna's defensive mindset can take hold, look out for the Fins. Also the Bills. Trent Edwards, Marshawn (Ugliest-guy-in-the-league) Lynch, and Lee Evans constitute a heck of a trio up in Buffalo-town. How awesome would it be if the perennial doormats of the east came back to make the playoffs and shut the door on the Cassel-led Pats? As for the Colts, well...health is serving as a major detriment, while piss poor defense and special teams continue to bog the team down. Thanks for guys like Gus Frerotte and Sage Rosenfels who just can't help but cost their teams a victory. On a related sidenote: how super badass was Rosenfels' flying helicopter fumble??? Sweet mercy.
P: That was amazing looking. As was Gary "Stumpy" Brackett's fumble recovery-TD run. If I had to call it right meow, I'm calling for the Giants to make it back to the Super Bowl and I can't even decide on an AFC team right meow, they're all so out of whack. I don't trust the Titans maintaining this level of play. Jeff Fisher's good people and that defense is awesome, but too many questions on offense. And what of the Vince Young one man drama department? Even if he's not playing, he can find someway to throw a wrench in this whole thing. Or use that wrench to break Kerry Collins' ankle. Either way. Either way's fine.
D: I agree about Tennessee. I haven't really seen them play this year, but it has to be a lot of "beginner's luck," if you will. I know, I know--they can run the ball and play good defense, which every ESPN talking head says you need to do to win in the playoffs. Blah blah blah. Until the Pats, Bolts, and Colts are officially dethroned, it is going to be hard to count them out, especially this early in the season. When the Colts get Lilja and Sanders back, things could start to click. And as soon as Norv Turner remembers that LT is a better offensive player than Philip Rivers, San Diego will probably cause some problems too. But the frontrunners now seem to be Tennessee, Buffalo, and Denver. Pardon my skepticism, but no fucking way are those going to be the top 3 seeds come playoff time.
P: The Steelers are in the mix too. Until Big Ben gets a big broken bone with all the punishment he's enduring of late amidst all the other injuries on his squad. Meow I don't know what's so damn funny about picking the Bills.* Giants-Bills in the big game would be fantastic. Then again, so would Giants-Colts. Eli to Peyton 1 week before their Super Bowl showdown: "It's on like Donkey Kong."
D: I just hope the Colts can survive this brutal schedule over the next month at or above .500. When Pocket Hercules comes back to shore up the defense with his dreads and Superman cape, things will get back to the way they should be. Honestly, it might not be the worst thing in the world for the Colts to not wrap up the division in week 13 and lose all their momentum before another lackluster first round exit. The last 3 Super Bowl champions played on wild card weekend. Coincidence? Methinks not.
P: Meow that's some logic I can get behind. Let's end this tea party. I'm late for an important engagement with beer and sports. I'd hate to keep Mr. Coors waiting.
D: "I think I'll just quit while I'm ahead." "You're not that far ahead, Ted."
P: I'm lost on this quote and I am ashamed. Starting right meow.
D: It's from There's Something About Mary. No harm, no foul.
P: Thank you, Chuck Norris. I mean, Dick.
D: Have a good one, pal. Tell our old friend beer that I miss him and love him.
P: I'll pass along the sentiments. But he won't pass me any sediments. Beer joke.
D: Hayoh!
P: Until next time, Dick.
*Officer, that’s not ours.
Candy bars!!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, and Dodge
Dick: So here we are, roughly a month after our last post. The Olympics are now over. Baseball is almost over. Football is getting into full swing. My erection has yet to subside...probably shouldn't have shared that one. Pralines, please give us some of that buttery genius.
Pralines: There is nothing more satisfying for me than the start of football season. The air turns crisp, the leaves begin to transition into their myriad fall colors, I can wake up Saturday morning, and I have plans all day. Those plans: plopping my fat (not Pat) white ass down in front of the TV and tune into college football and tune out the rest of the civilized world.
D: Oh, man. I don't care how pathetic it sounds, or how un-college it may be. I just don't care. My weekends are full of football. Friday nights I am roaming the sidelines under the lights. Saturdays I am holed up on the couch watching college games from noon to well past midnight. Sundays I show my true blue Colts fanhood. The crazy thing is that I am a perfectly healthy 21-year-old man, and I don't imbibe on a single alcoholic beverage all weekend. I know how faggy it sounds to say, but football makes me feel better than alcohol ever does.
P: Usually I'm a big time proponent of the "Alcohol makes anything more fun" approach to activities, but I have to agree with you here. I'm not going to say I don't drink at all while I watch some of the games. However, I don't need to drink to enjoy football. I'm rarely more animated and verbose than when I'm watching my favorite teams in action on the gridiron. I'm ridiculously obnoxious when they're winning, and borderline inconsolable when they're stinking worse than their jockstraps.
D: I'm the same way. I know they say you shouldn't get too high on wins or too low on losses, but I go ahead and ignore that advice. I go ape shit if my teams are doing well, and you might as well just not even bother talking to me until Monday afternoon if my teams perform poorly. At the risk of sounding even douchier than normal, I would like to share a story to help illustrate my point. Last weekend, I had company over in the form of a female Pralines and Dick fan (I apologize for starting the story this way. I also apologize for ending the story the way I do and for pretty much telling the story at all. Such is life.) Well this happened to be the same day that my favorite college team, The Ohio State University Fighting Sweater Vests, was bent over a back alley trash can by the Men of Troy. Needless to say I was no longer in a jovial mood. I started sulking and drinking and eventually put myself into a football-and-cheap-alcohol-fueled coma, thus forcing the poor girl to go home disappointed...or at least my giant ego would like me to believe she was disappointed. Hey. Go big or pass out on your couch.
P: We have a female fan? Huzza! Anywho...as much as I try and ignore the pundits who say Ohio St. doesn't belong in the conversation with U.S.C, I only accomplish this by sticking my fingers in my ears and going "LA LA LA LA LA" as loudly as possible. I love the buckeyes and Tressel, but I can't keep fooling myself into thinking they're going to turn it around every season by beating the very best in college football, whether it be against Carroll's Condoms or More With Les Miles' Tiggers of L.S.U.
D: I am a diehard fan, but I am also a realist. I believe that OSU is by far the best team in the Big Ten, but I also understand that the Big Ten pales in comparison to the mighty SEC, is no big Big 12, and is pretty much on par with the PAC-10, save for USC at the top. I don't buy the speed differential thing. Just look at the last 3 NFL drafts, and you will find Buckeye after Buckeye. They aren't slow or bad or anything like that. I think it simply boils down to the mental aspect. Maybe they don't prepare for the big games well enough, maybe they over-prepare and suffer paralysis by analysis, maybe they don't really believe that they can win, maybe the coaches aren't doing their jobs well enough, or maybe it's all of the above. All I know is that OSU saved my ass by losing this game to USC. Had they won and gone on to a third consecutive BCS title game only to be blown out by another Southeastern foe, my head might have exploded. Thanks for taking it easy on me, guys...me and the Trojans.
P: God bless analysts that make sense. Kirk Herbstreit and Mark May are ESPN's two top college foosball gurus in my book. It just goes to show you don't have to receive a senior citizen's discount when you go to Golden Corral to know what you're talking about in college sports. I've got two words for ya: Lou Fuckin Holtz. Come on, ESPN. Save yourself and the Holtz family any future embarrassment by yanking this guy already. He's so out of touch with reality he makes Jim Morrison look like a drug abuse counselor.
D: Holtz...was a good coach. He was. You can't deny that. Now, though, he is about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop. His incessant ramblings are unprovoked and illogical, his saliva glands flow like the Wabash River, and he thinks this or any other Notre Dame team would beat the AFC Pro Bowl team by 3 touchdowns. He is one of the worst parts of watching ESPN. He is worse than Jim Rome and Skip Bayless merely because I can turn them off, but I like to watch the college football coverage of which he is a part. I think he and Ted Marchibroda should invest in a condo in Boca Raton together, like now. Ole Teddy probably has a wealth of football intelligence stored up in his salt and pepper dome. He has to have. When he speaks, however, you just get the feeling that he is a poor night's sleep away from total cerebral failure. It is painful to listen to them both.*
P: I guess we all can't be Lee Corso. His analysis isn't exactly what one would refer to as "in-depth" or "useful", but his energy next to Herbstreit's big, sexy brain is outstanding. As lame as the donning of the team's mascot's head he chooses in the game they're at (and it is most certainly lame, Coach Corso), I lay this claim knowing fully well I would lose my mind if I were behind the College Gameday Built By The Home Depot's desk and saw the legendary Lee put on MY team's mascot's smelly head.**
D: I do love the Sunshine Scooter. He reminds me of my grandpa, only less racist and more energetic. I don't get to see much of College Gameday anymore because I have to go watch film of my high school team every Saturday morning (I am reticent to reveal their identity because of the things I say and do on this very blog. I don't want to give the program a black eye or lose my cherry gig. Fucking propriety.), but when I do get to see it, I am glued to the screen. There is scarcely a better on-air trio than Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, and Lee Corso. What a perfect mix of charisma, ageless exuberance, knowledge, and tradition.
P: And meticulously styled hair.
D: I leave that honorable distinction to my idol and demigod, Mel Kiper Jr.
P: By the way, if your team ever needs a pep-talk from an amateur motivational speaker, I'm offering my services anytime. In my limited time on this planet, I've managed to overcome both sobriety AND anorexia. Now, just look at me.
D: I don't think it would be stretching it to call you an American hero.
D: As far as my team goes, though, I gotta be honest, I'm pretty jacked up. The boys are playing well, and they have yet to hit their stride. Tomorrow we square off against our bitter rival, and they are having just as successful a season as we are. So, dear readers, if you are bored and feel like making the drive, come on out to the Muncie suburbs and watch some high school football under Friday night lights. What, like you have something better to do?
P: It's American. And these colors don't run. Especially if you wash your colors using All Tempera-Cheer. "These sheets are soft. You use Downy?" "No. All Tempera-Cheer. You can wash your clothes at any temperature and the colors won't run together." "Really?" "Yeah, now leave me alone."
D: Speaking of which, I have to go get my clothes out of the dryer. Yep, I no longer drink on weekends, I don't even have class until 11 on Friday morning, and I do laundry on my thirsty Thursdays. Talk about cool.
P: Tell me about it. Since I decided to go back to college, I can't even drink on weeknights anymore. Well, except for this Tuesday. I was in Broad Ripple for innocent enough reasons (checking out Boogie Burger, and it was fan-fucking-tastic) with two of my buds. All 3 of us have obligations Wednesday, but we decide to stop into BuckWildz (formerly Club 7) and share a bucket of Coors Light. 5 frosty brews for $5. That's just smart fiscal sense in these tough economic times, so we got 3 more buckets.
D: If some is good, more is better. I'm also glad to hear about Boogie Burger. I'd never heard of it before until they showed it on the Colts-Bears debacle. But I don't wanna get into that now...
P: What's a regular season home opener loss in a brand new stadium against a team you thoroughly spanked in the Super Bowl two years ago mean anyway? I'm not worried. Do I sound worried? 'Cause I'm not. No way. Not once, not never. Star players may drop like flies from our roster, but there's no reason to worry. Of course I always sweat when I type. Honestly.
D: Cripes, now I'm all bummed again. I guess it's time we wrap this bitch up. If we don't, I will only start myself down a long and lonesome path again. Next thing you know, I turn up shirtless and coked out on the streets of Wichita and Pralines and Dick has been neglected for 3 months. Peace to ya, my preciouses.
P: Goodnight and may your dreams be short and forgettable. "I wish I could have a dream of me watching myself sleep."
D: And peaceful I’ll lie, alone in my bed, while visions of porn stars dance in my head…What can I say? I'm an English major AND a pervball. Goodnight, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Fare thee well, Dick.
*Patches, is this really necessary?
Necessary?! Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Probably not.
No! But I do it anyway, because it's sterile, and I like the taste.
**Alabama's New Mascot: NASCAR-Driving, Shotgun-Toting Jesus
Pralines: There is nothing more satisfying for me than the start of football season. The air turns crisp, the leaves begin to transition into their myriad fall colors, I can wake up Saturday morning, and I have plans all day. Those plans: plopping my fat (not Pat) white ass down in front of the TV and tune into college football and tune out the rest of the civilized world.
D: Oh, man. I don't care how pathetic it sounds, or how un-college it may be. I just don't care. My weekends are full of football. Friday nights I am roaming the sidelines under the lights. Saturdays I am holed up on the couch watching college games from noon to well past midnight. Sundays I show my true blue Colts fanhood. The crazy thing is that I am a perfectly healthy 21-year-old man, and I don't imbibe on a single alcoholic beverage all weekend. I know how faggy it sounds to say, but football makes me feel better than alcohol ever does.
P: Usually I'm a big time proponent of the "Alcohol makes anything more fun" approach to activities, but I have to agree with you here. I'm not going to say I don't drink at all while I watch some of the games. However, I don't need to drink to enjoy football. I'm rarely more animated and verbose than when I'm watching my favorite teams in action on the gridiron. I'm ridiculously obnoxious when they're winning, and borderline inconsolable when they're stinking worse than their jockstraps.
D: I'm the same way. I know they say you shouldn't get too high on wins or too low on losses, but I go ahead and ignore that advice. I go ape shit if my teams are doing well, and you might as well just not even bother talking to me until Monday afternoon if my teams perform poorly. At the risk of sounding even douchier than normal, I would like to share a story to help illustrate my point. Last weekend, I had company over in the form of a female Pralines and Dick fan (I apologize for starting the story this way. I also apologize for ending the story the way I do and for pretty much telling the story at all. Such is life.) Well this happened to be the same day that my favorite college team, The Ohio State University Fighting Sweater Vests, was bent over a back alley trash can by the Men of Troy. Needless to say I was no longer in a jovial mood. I started sulking and drinking and eventually put myself into a football-and-cheap-alcohol-fueled coma, thus forcing the poor girl to go home disappointed...or at least my giant ego would like me to believe she was disappointed. Hey. Go big or pass out on your couch.
P: We have a female fan? Huzza! Anywho...as much as I try and ignore the pundits who say Ohio St. doesn't belong in the conversation with U.S.C, I only accomplish this by sticking my fingers in my ears and going "LA LA LA LA LA" as loudly as possible. I love the buckeyes and Tressel, but I can't keep fooling myself into thinking they're going to turn it around every season by beating the very best in college football, whether it be against Carroll's Condoms or More With Les Miles' Tiggers of L.S.U.
D: I am a diehard fan, but I am also a realist. I believe that OSU is by far the best team in the Big Ten, but I also understand that the Big Ten pales in comparison to the mighty SEC, is no big Big 12, and is pretty much on par with the PAC-10, save for USC at the top. I don't buy the speed differential thing. Just look at the last 3 NFL drafts, and you will find Buckeye after Buckeye. They aren't slow or bad or anything like that. I think it simply boils down to the mental aspect. Maybe they don't prepare for the big games well enough, maybe they over-prepare and suffer paralysis by analysis, maybe they don't really believe that they can win, maybe the coaches aren't doing their jobs well enough, or maybe it's all of the above. All I know is that OSU saved my ass by losing this game to USC. Had they won and gone on to a third consecutive BCS title game only to be blown out by another Southeastern foe, my head might have exploded. Thanks for taking it easy on me, guys...me and the Trojans.
P: God bless analysts that make sense. Kirk Herbstreit and Mark May are ESPN's two top college foosball gurus in my book. It just goes to show you don't have to receive a senior citizen's discount when you go to Golden Corral to know what you're talking about in college sports. I've got two words for ya: Lou Fuckin Holtz. Come on, ESPN. Save yourself and the Holtz family any future embarrassment by yanking this guy already. He's so out of touch with reality he makes Jim Morrison look like a drug abuse counselor.
D: Holtz...was a good coach. He was. You can't deny that. Now, though, he is about as useful as a poopy-flavored lollipop. His incessant ramblings are unprovoked and illogical, his saliva glands flow like the Wabash River, and he thinks this or any other Notre Dame team would beat the AFC Pro Bowl team by 3 touchdowns. He is one of the worst parts of watching ESPN. He is worse than Jim Rome and Skip Bayless merely because I can turn them off, but I like to watch the college football coverage of which he is a part. I think he and Ted Marchibroda should invest in a condo in Boca Raton together, like now. Ole Teddy probably has a wealth of football intelligence stored up in his salt and pepper dome. He has to have. When he speaks, however, you just get the feeling that he is a poor night's sleep away from total cerebral failure. It is painful to listen to them both.*
P: I guess we all can't be Lee Corso. His analysis isn't exactly what one would refer to as "in-depth" or "useful", but his energy next to Herbstreit's big, sexy brain is outstanding. As lame as the donning of the team's mascot's head he chooses in the game they're at (and it is most certainly lame, Coach Corso), I lay this claim knowing fully well I would lose my mind if I were behind the College Gameday Built By The Home Depot's desk and saw the legendary Lee put on MY team's mascot's smelly head.**
D: I do love the Sunshine Scooter. He reminds me of my grandpa, only less racist and more energetic. I don't get to see much of College Gameday anymore because I have to go watch film of my high school team every Saturday morning (I am reticent to reveal their identity because of the things I say and do on this very blog. I don't want to give the program a black eye or lose my cherry gig. Fucking propriety.), but when I do get to see it, I am glued to the screen. There is scarcely a better on-air trio than Chris Fowler, Kirk Herbstreit, and Lee Corso. What a perfect mix of charisma, ageless exuberance, knowledge, and tradition.
P: And meticulously styled hair.
D: I leave that honorable distinction to my idol and demigod, Mel Kiper Jr.
P: By the way, if your team ever needs a pep-talk from an amateur motivational speaker, I'm offering my services anytime. In my limited time on this planet, I've managed to overcome both sobriety AND anorexia. Now, just look at me.
D: I don't think it would be stretching it to call you an American hero.
D: As far as my team goes, though, I gotta be honest, I'm pretty jacked up. The boys are playing well, and they have yet to hit their stride. Tomorrow we square off against our bitter rival, and they are having just as successful a season as we are. So, dear readers, if you are bored and feel like making the drive, come on out to the Muncie suburbs and watch some high school football under Friday night lights. What, like you have something better to do?
P: It's American. And these colors don't run. Especially if you wash your colors using All Tempera-Cheer. "These sheets are soft. You use Downy?" "No. All Tempera-Cheer. You can wash your clothes at any temperature and the colors won't run together." "Really?" "Yeah, now leave me alone."
D: Speaking of which, I have to go get my clothes out of the dryer. Yep, I no longer drink on weekends, I don't even have class until 11 on Friday morning, and I do laundry on my thirsty Thursdays. Talk about cool.
P: Tell me about it. Since I decided to go back to college, I can't even drink on weeknights anymore. Well, except for this Tuesday. I was in Broad Ripple for innocent enough reasons (checking out Boogie Burger, and it was fan-fucking-tastic) with two of my buds. All 3 of us have obligations Wednesday, but we decide to stop into BuckWildz (formerly Club 7) and share a bucket of Coors Light. 5 frosty brews for $5. That's just smart fiscal sense in these tough economic times, so we got 3 more buckets.
D: If some is good, more is better. I'm also glad to hear about Boogie Burger. I'd never heard of it before until they showed it on the Colts-Bears debacle. But I don't wanna get into that now...
P: What's a regular season home opener loss in a brand new stadium against a team you thoroughly spanked in the Super Bowl two years ago mean anyway? I'm not worried. Do I sound worried? 'Cause I'm not. No way. Not once, not never. Star players may drop like flies from our roster, but there's no reason to worry. Of course I always sweat when I type. Honestly.
D: Cripes, now I'm all bummed again. I guess it's time we wrap this bitch up. If we don't, I will only start myself down a long and lonesome path again. Next thing you know, I turn up shirtless and coked out on the streets of Wichita and Pralines and Dick has been neglected for 3 months. Peace to ya, my preciouses.
P: Goodnight and may your dreams be short and forgettable. "I wish I could have a dream of me watching myself sleep."
D: And peaceful I’ll lie, alone in my bed, while visions of porn stars dance in my head…What can I say? I'm an English major AND a pervball. Goodnight, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Fare thee well, Dick.
*Patches, is this really necessary?
Necessary?! Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Probably not.
No! But I do it anyway, because it's sterile, and I like the taste.
**Alabama's New Mascot: NASCAR-Driving, Shotgun-Toting Jesus
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I Think It Was An Asian Gang Or Something*
Dick: Well it's that time when everybody is patriotic. No, not the 4th of July. Olympics time. Michael Phelps has rewritten the record books, which probably makes the pages all soggy and stuff, depending on how long he waits after he leaves the pool. According to Sportscenter commercials, he doesn't seem to wait long before he hops right into other business. And why would Sportscenter commercials lie or exaggerate?
Pralines: Yeah he must be super busy and all, having to re-adapt to dry land everytime he's out of the water. It's amazing that he was blessed with what appears to be both lungs and gills. I'm not sure if this is natural selection a la the X-men or a genetics experiment gone terribly right a la, well....Michael Phelps. He's a scaly man-fish. Behold, Fish Boy!
D: Yeah before his last race Saturday night, they talked about his body shape and dimensions. In case you weren't aware, Pralines...or readers, good ole Dick doesn't believe in a higher power or fate or destiny or anything like that, but it is like Phelps was "designed" to swim. He has shortish, powerful legs and long, wiry arms. His feet are huge and his metabolism is almost unearthly. The dude is unstoppable. And speaking of unstoppable dudes, Team USA basketball is finally looking like Team USA basketball again. Hope you enjoyed your run at the top, Lithuania, Argentina, and Whereverelsea. We're back. Thanks for keeping our seats warm.
P: Team USA has been killing. Now comes the agrument as to whether the difference the past few years has been coaching or the lack of a Mr. Kobe Bryant on the floor. I'm inclined to lean towards coaching on this one. Not only from Coach K, but also from assistant Mike "The 'Stache" D'antoni. His knowledge of the international game, pasta and gelato has clearly helped this team whoop up on all comers. I love Coach K and feel like it's his leadership that has helped this team gel as opposed to just being a team of superstars with not a clue how to play and win together. Plus, it doesn't hurt when you've got guys like Dwayne Wade and LeBron James really giving their all on defense. King James has been an absolute beast with the blocked shots.
D: When the roster was announced, I was a little apprehensive about the lack of pure big guys. After Dwight "I'm Just Plain Better Than You" Howard, the next best thing to a post player was Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer. Those two can post up from time to time, but they aren't real centers. Clearly, my fears were unfounded. Who needs a bunch of bangers inside when our unparalleled athletes like Dwayne Wade are shooting 90% from the field and dropping 18 PPG...from the bench. Hoowah.
P: Let's keep the U.S. and A lovefest rolling with a little women's beach volleyball. Gods of Mt. Olympus be praised! The unstoppable duo of Misti May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh have been dominating the #1 watched sport in these and any Olympics by straight men everywhere. (Ranking provided by Pralines' common sense). Is there any sense in the men's beach volleyball though? It's like a couple frat bros. in backwards hats/visors being coached up by their fat, drunk rush chairman Darrell.
D: Oh yeah. Those ladies are a shining example of taking care of business and looking fantastic in the process. I was actually watching traditional volleyball (in which the US team is doing very well also) last week when I decided that my new life goal is to get a female olympian pregnant. I played sports for the majority of my life, but I have a complete and utter lack of any athletic ability. Wanting to spare my kids of that shame and embarrassment, I decided the only feasible solution is to knock up one of the best athletes in the world. I don't care what sport, because our female olympic team is loaded across the board. Volleyball, beach volleyball, gymnastics, swimming and diving, softball, track and field. The list goes on and on. The major snag I foresee is that I will probably have to get her a little drunk before she agrees to my indecent proposal, and if she is in training there is no way she will be drinking. Catch 22, I suppose.
P: Plus I'm going to have to call you on the women's gymnastics team. You'll probably have to wait at least a few years before trying to give one of them a roofie colada. Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor and Furnishing Alcohol to a Minor are Class B and C Misdemeanors respectively. I wouldn't count out women's water polo just yet either my friend, as they are a shining example of the ever-widening most important trait in females from my standpoint: gettability.
D: You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that in our great state of Indiana (I suddenly feel so dirty), the age of consent is 16 years and 9 months. That puts me in the clear on our gymnasts. I am so sad that I know that...
P: True, and I was only speaking to the boozing up of the athletes that would commence pre-copulation. And of course the traditional post-coital cigarette. Also, might I recommend a smack on the ass and a "good game" just to make them feel more comfortable.
D: Oh, well I might not have to make the younger ones drink anyway. I could just send them a nice MySpace message or something. Alright, that's enough of my disgusting pedophile scheme for tonight. Any more of this, and I might have to hire a lawyer. Gymnastics is one of those events that bothers me though. I refuse to call it a sport because it is not determined by sheer competition. Any time a judge awards the winner based on completion of a routine, my competitive spirit burns inside of me and turns me into a ranting d-bag. More so than usual, anyway.
P: Speaking of borderline pedophilia, what do you make of the Chinese team allegedly using 14 year olds to compete? Whether it's true or not, it's just another shot the Chinese government has taken during the course of these games.
D: One would think that if a certain country were to have every media outlet in the world visiting said country for a fortnight, said country would do all within its power to brush things under the rug, hide skeletons in the closet, and make up better lies than what China has done thus far. One would think, but I guess Wan doesn't think. Ahh, racist jokes.
P: I'm honestly more miffed about the opening ceremony switcheroo they pulled than about pre-pubescent gymnasts. The little girl, a 9 year old, who sang during the opening ceremonies was lip-syncing to a 7 year olds performance of the song. The 7 year old was deemed not cute enough by Chinese officials so the plan was hatched. I've seen pictures side by side of the two girls, and while the one that went all Milli Vanilli on the world's biggest stage is certainly more camera friendly, the girl with the actual discernible talent isn't a freak of nature, but instead a regular looking kid. Apparently regular doesn't cut it for Beijing. The girl who really sang but was snubbed the credit said she didn't mind, but I believe that just as much as I believe that the Chinese government was standing by ready to saw off her, or anyone's, arms that badmouthed their host country's handling of these games.
D: It irked me that they foretold of all the media censoring they would enforce before the games even began. I hate censorship, but wouldn't you know it's like crack to them. What's the worst thing that could happen if the media were given free reign? Oh, they would probably expose all the injustices and cover-ups being performed by the Chinese officials during these games. Smart thinking, "People's Republic."
P: And it's not like the rest of the world isn't aware of the bullshit that going on over there. China just doesn't want to air out its dirty laundry on worldwide TV. While I understand this, I also firmly believe that there is more to laundry than just clean and dirty. There are many subtle levels. Like the shorts I'm wearing now, they've been worn before today without being washed, but they're certainly not dirty. Just set these outside on the patio perhaps for 20 minutes, and they're perfectly fine.
D: I got a new cable and internet package for my house through AT&T, as we had previously used Comcast, and our HD movie channel aired Ghostbusters 2 this past weekend. I knew right then that we had made the right decision.
P: From Venkman hosting the shitty public access paranormal show to the bumpin' late '80's rap soundtrack, Ghostbusters 2 rules in every sense of the word.
D: It blows the original totally out of the water, and just to clarify: I think the original is awesome. The sequel is just as good as movies get.
P: Very true. "Didn't you ever have a Slinky?" "I had part of a Slinky, but I straightened it."
D: Louis boarding the bus, driven by Slimer: "OK, but I didn't know you had your license."
P: "I don't know why you guys hired me to take on your case. I got my law degree at night school." "Well that's great, Louis, we were arrested at night."
D: "My guys are still under a judicial estrangement order--that blue thing I got from her. They could be exposing themselves." "And you don't want us exposing ourselves!"
P: "Do you live alone?" "I used to have a roommate, but my mother moved to Florida."
D: It's late, we really should put this blog down.**
P: Yeah, before we quote the entire movie. Good times as always, Dick.
D: Let's try the Scooby Doo ending.
P: Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out. But now, let's just see who you really are.
D: Old man Whithers from the haunted amusement park!
P: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you snooping kids.
D: Rood one, Shaggy.
P: Alright. Excellent Scooby Doo ending, everyone.
D: All in all, I'd say that's probably the best ice-cream-flavored sports blog coverage of the 2008 Olympic games you're ever gonna see.
P: Yes. And I absolutely love how yet another of our blogs has devolved from a comical, yet serious discussion of sports into quoting whatever we feel like until we are satisfied.
D: Best. Job. Ever.
P: Now we just need to parlay this into some kid of paying gig and we're set for life.
D: How will we know when this blog is over? Will they just turn the lights out on us or what?
P: …
D: I can't believe they did that.
*"Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something...There was this guy, he looked Asian...and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was...Asian."***
**"You’re short, your belly button sticks out too far, and you’re a terrible burden on your poor mother."
***The Games are being held in Asia, so...
Pralines: Yeah he must be super busy and all, having to re-adapt to dry land everytime he's out of the water. It's amazing that he was blessed with what appears to be both lungs and gills. I'm not sure if this is natural selection a la the X-men or a genetics experiment gone terribly right a la, well....Michael Phelps. He's a scaly man-fish. Behold, Fish Boy!
D: Yeah before his last race Saturday night, they talked about his body shape and dimensions. In case you weren't aware, Pralines...or readers, good ole Dick doesn't believe in a higher power or fate or destiny or anything like that, but it is like Phelps was "designed" to swim. He has shortish, powerful legs and long, wiry arms. His feet are huge and his metabolism is almost unearthly. The dude is unstoppable. And speaking of unstoppable dudes, Team USA basketball is finally looking like Team USA basketball again. Hope you enjoyed your run at the top, Lithuania, Argentina, and Whereverelsea. We're back. Thanks for keeping our seats warm.
P: Team USA has been killing. Now comes the agrument as to whether the difference the past few years has been coaching or the lack of a Mr. Kobe Bryant on the floor. I'm inclined to lean towards coaching on this one. Not only from Coach K, but also from assistant Mike "The 'Stache" D'antoni. His knowledge of the international game, pasta and gelato has clearly helped this team whoop up on all comers. I love Coach K and feel like it's his leadership that has helped this team gel as opposed to just being a team of superstars with not a clue how to play and win together. Plus, it doesn't hurt when you've got guys like Dwayne Wade and LeBron James really giving their all on defense. King James has been an absolute beast with the blocked shots.
D: When the roster was announced, I was a little apprehensive about the lack of pure big guys. After Dwight "I'm Just Plain Better Than You" Howard, the next best thing to a post player was Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer. Those two can post up from time to time, but they aren't real centers. Clearly, my fears were unfounded. Who needs a bunch of bangers inside when our unparalleled athletes like Dwayne Wade are shooting 90% from the field and dropping 18 PPG...from the bench. Hoowah.
P: Let's keep the U.S. and A lovefest rolling with a little women's beach volleyball. Gods of Mt. Olympus be praised! The unstoppable duo of Misti May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh have been dominating the #1 watched sport in these and any Olympics by straight men everywhere. (Ranking provided by Pralines' common sense). Is there any sense in the men's beach volleyball though? It's like a couple frat bros. in backwards hats/visors being coached up by their fat, drunk rush chairman Darrell.
D: Oh yeah. Those ladies are a shining example of taking care of business and looking fantastic in the process. I was actually watching traditional volleyball (in which the US team is doing very well also) last week when I decided that my new life goal is to get a female olympian pregnant. I played sports for the majority of my life, but I have a complete and utter lack of any athletic ability. Wanting to spare my kids of that shame and embarrassment, I decided the only feasible solution is to knock up one of the best athletes in the world. I don't care what sport, because our female olympic team is loaded across the board. Volleyball, beach volleyball, gymnastics, swimming and diving, softball, track and field. The list goes on and on. The major snag I foresee is that I will probably have to get her a little drunk before she agrees to my indecent proposal, and if she is in training there is no way she will be drinking. Catch 22, I suppose.
P: Plus I'm going to have to call you on the women's gymnastics team. You'll probably have to wait at least a few years before trying to give one of them a roofie colada. Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor and Furnishing Alcohol to a Minor are Class B and C Misdemeanors respectively. I wouldn't count out women's water polo just yet either my friend, as they are a shining example of the ever-widening most important trait in females from my standpoint: gettability.
D: You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that in our great state of Indiana (I suddenly feel so dirty), the age of consent is 16 years and 9 months. That puts me in the clear on our gymnasts. I am so sad that I know that...
P: True, and I was only speaking to the boozing up of the athletes that would commence pre-copulation. And of course the traditional post-coital cigarette. Also, might I recommend a smack on the ass and a "good game" just to make them feel more comfortable.
D: Oh, well I might not have to make the younger ones drink anyway. I could just send them a nice MySpace message or something. Alright, that's enough of my disgusting pedophile scheme for tonight. Any more of this, and I might have to hire a lawyer. Gymnastics is one of those events that bothers me though. I refuse to call it a sport because it is not determined by sheer competition. Any time a judge awards the winner based on completion of a routine, my competitive spirit burns inside of me and turns me into a ranting d-bag. More so than usual, anyway.
P: Speaking of borderline pedophilia, what do you make of the Chinese team allegedly using 14 year olds to compete? Whether it's true or not, it's just another shot the Chinese government has taken during the course of these games.
D: One would think that if a certain country were to have every media outlet in the world visiting said country for a fortnight, said country would do all within its power to brush things under the rug, hide skeletons in the closet, and make up better lies than what China has done thus far. One would think, but I guess Wan doesn't think. Ahh, racist jokes.
P: I'm honestly more miffed about the opening ceremony switcheroo they pulled than about pre-pubescent gymnasts. The little girl, a 9 year old, who sang during the opening ceremonies was lip-syncing to a 7 year olds performance of the song. The 7 year old was deemed not cute enough by Chinese officials so the plan was hatched. I've seen pictures side by side of the two girls, and while the one that went all Milli Vanilli on the world's biggest stage is certainly more camera friendly, the girl with the actual discernible talent isn't a freak of nature, but instead a regular looking kid. Apparently regular doesn't cut it for Beijing. The girl who really sang but was snubbed the credit said she didn't mind, but I believe that just as much as I believe that the Chinese government was standing by ready to saw off her, or anyone's, arms that badmouthed their host country's handling of these games.
D: It irked me that they foretold of all the media censoring they would enforce before the games even began. I hate censorship, but wouldn't you know it's like crack to them. What's the worst thing that could happen if the media were given free reign? Oh, they would probably expose all the injustices and cover-ups being performed by the Chinese officials during these games. Smart thinking, "People's Republic."
P: And it's not like the rest of the world isn't aware of the bullshit that going on over there. China just doesn't want to air out its dirty laundry on worldwide TV. While I understand this, I also firmly believe that there is more to laundry than just clean and dirty. There are many subtle levels. Like the shorts I'm wearing now, they've been worn before today without being washed, but they're certainly not dirty. Just set these outside on the patio perhaps for 20 minutes, and they're perfectly fine.
D: I got a new cable and internet package for my house through AT&T, as we had previously used Comcast, and our HD movie channel aired Ghostbusters 2 this past weekend. I knew right then that we had made the right decision.
P: From Venkman hosting the shitty public access paranormal show to the bumpin' late '80's rap soundtrack, Ghostbusters 2 rules in every sense of the word.
D: It blows the original totally out of the water, and just to clarify: I think the original is awesome. The sequel is just as good as movies get.
P: Very true. "Didn't you ever have a Slinky?" "I had part of a Slinky, but I straightened it."
D: Louis boarding the bus, driven by Slimer: "OK, but I didn't know you had your license."
P: "I don't know why you guys hired me to take on your case. I got my law degree at night school." "Well that's great, Louis, we were arrested at night."
D: "My guys are still under a judicial estrangement order--that blue thing I got from her. They could be exposing themselves." "And you don't want us exposing ourselves!"
P: "Do you live alone?" "I used to have a roommate, but my mother moved to Florida."
D: It's late, we really should put this blog down.**
P: Yeah, before we quote the entire movie. Good times as always, Dick.
D: Let's try the Scooby Doo ending.
P: Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out. But now, let's just see who you really are.
D: Old man Whithers from the haunted amusement park!
P: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you snooping kids.
D: Rood one, Shaggy.
P: Alright. Excellent Scooby Doo ending, everyone.
D: All in all, I'd say that's probably the best ice-cream-flavored sports blog coverage of the 2008 Olympic games you're ever gonna see.
P: Yes. And I absolutely love how yet another of our blogs has devolved from a comical, yet serious discussion of sports into quoting whatever we feel like until we are satisfied.
D: Best. Job. Ever.
P: Now we just need to parlay this into some kid of paying gig and we're set for life.
D: How will we know when this blog is over? Will they just turn the lights out on us or what?
P: …
D: I can't believe they did that.
*"Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something...There was this guy, he looked Asian...and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was...Asian."***
**"You’re short, your belly button sticks out too far, and you’re a terrible burden on your poor mother."
***The Games are being held in Asia, so...
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Year of the (Charlie) Horse
Dick: As they say, "There's no time like the present." And I know you Pralines and Dick fans; if you don't get a new blog post every week, you get all antsy in your pantsy. I think I remember hearing something about a quarterback from Green Bay maybe...something like that. Oh well, my memory seems vague. I do recall, though, that I hit poor Adam Tafralis with the deadpan Dick dark horse pick, but instead it was the dreaded Dick lips kiss of death. Not even a week after I proclaimed him as the man to push Jim Sorgi for the backup job, he was waived and replaced by Quinn Gray and the Hefty Lefty, the Round Mound of Touchdown, the Battleship, #13-in-your-programs -#1-in-your-hearts, Jared Lorenzen. Uhh...woops.
Pralines: At least Quinn Gray had a nice outing in the Hall of Fame Game against Washington. I wasn't quite sure I understood Dungy's method of only leaving Sorrowful Sorgi out there for like 1 series. I'm sure it can't be because he feels comfortable with him running the offense. His stats were ok, but he failed to stick it in while they were deep in enemy territory (insert sex joke here). I am convinced though that Mr. Anthony "The Dome" Gonzalez will have a breakout season. What do I have to base that assertion upon? The power vested in me by the United States of Pralines and Dick, that's what.
D: I think Dungy was just trying to avoid having Sorgi (who looks surprisingly like Michael Cera) get hurt and being left with only the nubile ones to run the show. I agree that Gray looked good. I was really impressed and am now hopeful that HE supplants Superbad Evan. Sorry if I just cursed you too, my friend. Any love for Gonzo is good by my count, but I have to say that I was most pleased with 3 of our rookies in particular. Mike Hart, Pierre Garcon, and Marcus Howard looked good. I mean really good. Most people dislike preseason games because they are meaningless and boring, but I relish them because it gives me a chance to watch all my old dog-eared players from college. And if you're a football nerd like me, that's just plain gravy.
P: I was also happy to see Mike "Bob New" Hart perform well Sunday night. I must admit now I was out at a bar watching the game and by the time Hart was getting alot of his minutes, I was busy with $4 pitchers of Coors Light and don't remember anything specific about Mike's work. I think he'll be most valuable to Peyton's Place (anyone else liking the old school sitcom references?) split out as a receiver and running screens and short passing routes.
D: I don't have his receiving numbers and total stats available, but I do know that he went for 53 yards on 4 carries. Some would say that that's pretty good. He ran the stretch to perfection, just like he used to do at that school to the North. He set up his blocks and showed magnanimous patience and vision. Oh, he ran a 4.72 40 at the combine? Yeah who gives a flying hairy fuck. The kid can play. As much as I like him, and I do, I just wish he went to college somewhere else.
P: Well, the world's a twisted place. Moving on to some of the more familiar faces in Naptown, I'm a little bit concernicus about our injuries going into this year. I mean Peyton, Marvin Harrison, Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders all sat out Sunday night. I know Dungy's said Marvin's on schedule and Peyton is likely to get some snaps in the 4th preseason game, but I'm worried Freeney might come back a tad slower than he previously was. And I'm constantly on the lookout for Bob to seriously injure someone on every play, whether it be another player or himself. The man's a tatted-up heat-seeking missile with dreadlocks.
D: But goddamn can he play. He's a beast. And I refuse to listen to anything Dungy says. Trying to interpret one of his milquetoast speeches is like reading into the future through tea leaves. My patience is growing quite thin with him. I'm not so sure that if we had had another coach here during Dungy's tenure, maybe a Parcells or Cowher type, we wouldn’t have won more than the 1 Super Bowl. I think he's a good man and a charismatic leader, but I just think he's too soft and...bland to be called a really great coach.
D: To answer your point though, I am also worried about our injury situation. When healthy, we are one of the top 2 (or 1) teams in the NFL. When we are injured, we drop to the middle of the pack pretty quickly. We have star players in key positions and role players everywhere else. When we try to put role players in those key positions, we tank like lead balloons. Here's to hoping that Indy has some damn fine doctors. Hey, anything's possible.
P: As much as I like Dungy just based on how much of a nice guy he is, I think I am ready to see a new coach put in place. Polian, Irsay and Dungy have all backed Jim Caldwell as Tony's replacement, but I'm not sold on that idea just because I think a team with veteran guys that know how to win need a coach with the same characteristics. I don't want to kill Caldwell's reign before it begins, and I trust our ownership and management more than myself on any given day, but honestly, it's like they're not even trying on this one.
D: I agree completely. You can see the cyclical pattern in NFL coaching circles, and after a team rids itself of a players' coach, a la Dungy, that team hires a disciplinarian. They don't hire a disciple of the previous coach. No change in philosophy is good for a while, but after too long, no change in philosophy leads only to complacency. And in the NFL, complacency kills.*
P: Quite right, my friend. We need someone who can shake things up a bit. It'll be good for everyone. I think we should make a serious move for Bill Cowher. He's got a great resumé, and his name's been out of the available coaches spotlight for a while now. It's just the thing we need to fuck shit up for everybody else.
D: And if we can't win, we might as well fuck shit up. Yeah we should fucking start a riot. A riot. Man, I love Tenacious D. Speaking of which, I think "rebuilding" the team in a defensive mindset would only do good things for the franchise. Maybe becoming a 3-4 team or at least a more aggressive 4-3 team... That's not to say that our current system is ineffective, as we finished #1 in scoring and #3 in yardage last year defensively, but I wonder how much of that was scheme, and how much of that was Bobby bullet Sanders.
P: Hiring The Chin will have the people in the streets tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin windows of small businesses. The Colts are good, but we need to be great again. We need the excitement that comes with being supreme badasses, not just a "finesse" team (whatever the hell that means).
D: And I don't think we are a finesse team, because our title run was fueled by a powerful running game and a stifling defense. I just think we need someone who can light a fire under the guys' asses. When was the last time Tony Dungy inspired someone by yelling and gyrating and slapping helmets? The answer is never. He tries to inspire his team by preaching consistency and "doing what we do." Granted, he's had some success with it, but I still feel like there's something missing. If someone tries to tell me that a fiery and emotional coach would not have had more success with this roster than Dungy has, I will call that someone a liar and a fool.
P: I mean, that's how I'm planning on coaching under your wing once you make it big. There will be no inspirational speeches about higher powers. It will be all screaming and cursing and talks of beatdowns and hitting people so hard their families feel it.
D: Since we’re on the topic, I have decided to make you quality control coach…mostly just to find out what a quality control coach does. I see it on every coaching roster, but it simply befuddles me because I still don’t know what it could entail. “Alright, I think it would be better for our team if you didn’t lose yardage on that play. Can ya just go ahead and gain yardage every time? Mmk. Thanks.” Quality. Controlled.
P: I agree. I'm not so much an X's and O's guy. I'm a motivator in the true sense of the word. "I want you to hustle on every play, guys. Not because you might get your dick sucked after the game, but so you can catch the defense off guard. Wait, what was that about blowjobs again? Yeah, 'cause I vote we keep them blowjobs."
P: "How's the quality, Coach Williams?"
P: "It's a shit fuckin' sandwich, Coach Pierson."
D: Ahh, blowjob motivation. That's probably the most effective kind of motivation. I'd do pretty much anything if I knew there was a wet sloppy BJ at the end of the line for me. Run for 300 yards? Sure, for a hummer. Make 10 tackles? For some road head, you got it. With that, my friend and counterpart, we have discovered the key to winning football games. Whores and blowjobs. Done and done.
P: It's the simplest of motivations that goes straight to the very core of modern athletics. And dudes everywhere.
D: There's no real way to top the blowjob speech. Shall we call it a blog then?
P: We shall. Enjoyable as always, my friend.
D: I love this job.
P: It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it. Unnecessary homage to Dirty Work: "I haven't seen this many dead hookers in all my life!" "Lord knows I have."
D: "And there's the Saigon whore that bit my nose off!"
P: Farewell, Dick.
D: Adios, Pralinoes.
*We just haven't had one of these in a while, so "What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?"
Pralines: At least Quinn Gray had a nice outing in the Hall of Fame Game against Washington. I wasn't quite sure I understood Dungy's method of only leaving Sorrowful Sorgi out there for like 1 series. I'm sure it can't be because he feels comfortable with him running the offense. His stats were ok, but he failed to stick it in while they were deep in enemy territory (insert sex joke here). I am convinced though that Mr. Anthony "The Dome" Gonzalez will have a breakout season. What do I have to base that assertion upon? The power vested in me by the United States of Pralines and Dick, that's what.
D: I think Dungy was just trying to avoid having Sorgi (who looks surprisingly like Michael Cera) get hurt and being left with only the nubile ones to run the show. I agree that Gray looked good. I was really impressed and am now hopeful that HE supplants Superbad Evan. Sorry if I just cursed you too, my friend. Any love for Gonzo is good by my count, but I have to say that I was most pleased with 3 of our rookies in particular. Mike Hart, Pierre Garcon, and Marcus Howard looked good. I mean really good. Most people dislike preseason games because they are meaningless and boring, but I relish them because it gives me a chance to watch all my old dog-eared players from college. And if you're a football nerd like me, that's just plain gravy.
P: I was also happy to see Mike "Bob New" Hart perform well Sunday night. I must admit now I was out at a bar watching the game and by the time Hart was getting alot of his minutes, I was busy with $4 pitchers of Coors Light and don't remember anything specific about Mike's work. I think he'll be most valuable to Peyton's Place (anyone else liking the old school sitcom references?) split out as a receiver and running screens and short passing routes.
D: I don't have his receiving numbers and total stats available, but I do know that he went for 53 yards on 4 carries. Some would say that that's pretty good. He ran the stretch to perfection, just like he used to do at that school to the North. He set up his blocks and showed magnanimous patience and vision. Oh, he ran a 4.72 40 at the combine? Yeah who gives a flying hairy fuck. The kid can play. As much as I like him, and I do, I just wish he went to college somewhere else.
P: Well, the world's a twisted place. Moving on to some of the more familiar faces in Naptown, I'm a little bit concernicus about our injuries going into this year. I mean Peyton, Marvin Harrison, Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders all sat out Sunday night. I know Dungy's said Marvin's on schedule and Peyton is likely to get some snaps in the 4th preseason game, but I'm worried Freeney might come back a tad slower than he previously was. And I'm constantly on the lookout for Bob to seriously injure someone on every play, whether it be another player or himself. The man's a tatted-up heat-seeking missile with dreadlocks.
D: But goddamn can he play. He's a beast. And I refuse to listen to anything Dungy says. Trying to interpret one of his milquetoast speeches is like reading into the future through tea leaves. My patience is growing quite thin with him. I'm not so sure that if we had had another coach here during Dungy's tenure, maybe a Parcells or Cowher type, we wouldn’t have won more than the 1 Super Bowl. I think he's a good man and a charismatic leader, but I just think he's too soft and...bland to be called a really great coach.
D: To answer your point though, I am also worried about our injury situation. When healthy, we are one of the top 2 (or 1) teams in the NFL. When we are injured, we drop to the middle of the pack pretty quickly. We have star players in key positions and role players everywhere else. When we try to put role players in those key positions, we tank like lead balloons. Here's to hoping that Indy has some damn fine doctors. Hey, anything's possible.
P: As much as I like Dungy just based on how much of a nice guy he is, I think I am ready to see a new coach put in place. Polian, Irsay and Dungy have all backed Jim Caldwell as Tony's replacement, but I'm not sold on that idea just because I think a team with veteran guys that know how to win need a coach with the same characteristics. I don't want to kill Caldwell's reign before it begins, and I trust our ownership and management more than myself on any given day, but honestly, it's like they're not even trying on this one.
D: I agree completely. You can see the cyclical pattern in NFL coaching circles, and after a team rids itself of a players' coach, a la Dungy, that team hires a disciplinarian. They don't hire a disciple of the previous coach. No change in philosophy is good for a while, but after too long, no change in philosophy leads only to complacency. And in the NFL, complacency kills.*
P: Quite right, my friend. We need someone who can shake things up a bit. It'll be good for everyone. I think we should make a serious move for Bill Cowher. He's got a great resumé, and his name's been out of the available coaches spotlight for a while now. It's just the thing we need to fuck shit up for everybody else.
D: And if we can't win, we might as well fuck shit up. Yeah we should fucking start a riot. A riot. Man, I love Tenacious D. Speaking of which, I think "rebuilding" the team in a defensive mindset would only do good things for the franchise. Maybe becoming a 3-4 team or at least a more aggressive 4-3 team... That's not to say that our current system is ineffective, as we finished #1 in scoring and #3 in yardage last year defensively, but I wonder how much of that was scheme, and how much of that was Bobby bullet Sanders.
P: Hiring The Chin will have the people in the streets tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin windows of small businesses. The Colts are good, but we need to be great again. We need the excitement that comes with being supreme badasses, not just a "finesse" team (whatever the hell that means).
D: And I don't think we are a finesse team, because our title run was fueled by a powerful running game and a stifling defense. I just think we need someone who can light a fire under the guys' asses. When was the last time Tony Dungy inspired someone by yelling and gyrating and slapping helmets? The answer is never. He tries to inspire his team by preaching consistency and "doing what we do." Granted, he's had some success with it, but I still feel like there's something missing. If someone tries to tell me that a fiery and emotional coach would not have had more success with this roster than Dungy has, I will call that someone a liar and a fool.
P: I mean, that's how I'm planning on coaching under your wing once you make it big. There will be no inspirational speeches about higher powers. It will be all screaming and cursing and talks of beatdowns and hitting people so hard their families feel it.
D: Since we’re on the topic, I have decided to make you quality control coach…mostly just to find out what a quality control coach does. I see it on every coaching roster, but it simply befuddles me because I still don’t know what it could entail. “Alright, I think it would be better for our team if you didn’t lose yardage on that play. Can ya just go ahead and gain yardage every time? Mmk. Thanks.” Quality. Controlled.
P: I agree. I'm not so much an X's and O's guy. I'm a motivator in the true sense of the word. "I want you to hustle on every play, guys. Not because you might get your dick sucked after the game, but so you can catch the defense off guard. Wait, what was that about blowjobs again? Yeah, 'cause I vote we keep them blowjobs."
P: "How's the quality, Coach Williams?"
P: "It's a shit fuckin' sandwich, Coach Pierson."
D: Ahh, blowjob motivation. That's probably the most effective kind of motivation. I'd do pretty much anything if I knew there was a wet sloppy BJ at the end of the line for me. Run for 300 yards? Sure, for a hummer. Make 10 tackles? For some road head, you got it. With that, my friend and counterpart, we have discovered the key to winning football games. Whores and blowjobs. Done and done.
P: It's the simplest of motivations that goes straight to the very core of modern athletics. And dudes everywhere.
D: There's no real way to top the blowjob speech. Shall we call it a blog then?
P: We shall. Enjoyable as always, my friend.
D: I love this job.
P: It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it. Unnecessary homage to Dirty Work: "I haven't seen this many dead hookers in all my life!" "Lord knows I have."
D: "And there's the Saigon whore that bit my nose off!"
P: Farewell, Dick.
D: Adios, Pralinoes.
*We just haven't had one of these in a while, so "What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?"
Monday, July 21, 2008
Bueller? Bueller?
Dick: In case you've forgotten, we are in the business of sports blogs, and business has been slow of late. Hey, it's a lagging economy. What are you gonna do? But we have ample topics to cover tonight, and we need not waste anymore time getting this show on the road, as they say. Pralines, welcome back to the show, and what do you have for us on the subject of Brett Favre tormenting the life of Aaron Rodgers?
Pralines: Why the snow covered, sausage horking, ice fishing, cheese mongering citizens of Green Bay, Wisconsin haven't elected Brett Favre as their Mayor is beyond me. He's a green and yellow clad god up there in the frozen tundra. So if Brett wants to stay and QB another season or two longer for the Cheeseheads, that's fine by me. Aaron Rodgers seems like a nice enough guy and has been seen sporting a wicked awesome mustache in the past, but come on, it's Brett freakin' Favre. Grab a clipboard and fix yourself a bowl of Chunky's Soup. This career might take a while.
D: Alas, it didn't take long for our first official disagreement. Now I'm not going to try to debate the credentials of Aaron Rodgers vs. those of Brett Favre. It would be as futile as convincing you to drink ram's piss instead of beer. Not gonna happen. I will say, though, that it was Favre's decision to call it a career, regardless of any pressure he may have been feeling from the Packers organization. They probably did nudge him out the door, as their current actions would indicate, but he still had the final call. He had 2 years left on his contract, and they would have...I hate to say "begrudgingly," but begrudgingly let him play out his contract. He made the call, and they adapted and reacted. It is still a business, after all.
P: The Packers have every right to kick Brett Favre out on his Wrangler-clad keister and I understand why they might want to, but now since they've found themselves in this set of circumstances, they should probably live with Favre for another season. Plus anyone remotely involved can't wipe their ass without Chris Mortensen (Boo! You suck!) breaking into SportsCenter with a "new development in the Brett Favre saga." I'm sorry ESPN, but things like Star Wars and The Godfather are sagas. Brett Favre having a midlife crisis chock full of menstrual cycle-like indecision while a podunk town layered in ice and shame hangs in the balance isn't.
D: Well I just had a quarter-of-the-way-through-life crisis, as my Facebook inverted to some weird cryptic formation. Because I also know how to read links and tabs, that crisis has been averted. If only the Packers were able to quell crises so quickly and calmly, the people of Green Bay could get back to their cows in peace. Now as for the real victim in all of this, I can't help but empathize for Aaron Rodgers. He is probably the only professional athlete for whom I actually feel sorry. Think back to the 2005 Draft. All the talk was that Alex Smith and he were 1 and 1a in the QB/overall player pool. It was said that if he wasn't drafted first overall, he wouldn't squeak out of the top 10. No way. Woops. He sat there in the greenroom for hours and hours until the Pack scooped him up at 25. He watched his first contract diminish in value by the millions. He saw his chance for early playing time slipping away because there was no way legendary #4 would get benched in favor of the young gun.
D: Shortly after the draft, he was asked about Favre skipping mini-camp to be with his wife, Deanna, as she battled breast cancer. Rodgers jokingly called the gunslinger "lazy," and the media circus took off. He was dragged through the mud for making a harmless joke. If the national media even heard half the things I say, I would be a bigger pariah than Don Imus and Barack Obama's former reverend, combined. And now the stars align, Rodgers thinks he is inheriting the reins to a 13-3 team loaded with young talent and a pesky defense. Then what happens? His predecessor decides he's not ready to go yet, like a drunk staggering back into the bar. So GM Ted Thompson and coach Mike McCarthy have to play bouncer and insist that drunken Favre would be better off going home and sleeping it off. Tough breaks, young man. Tough breaks indeed.
P: I raise my Keystone Light (I smell a sponsorship) to you, Aaron Rodgers.
P: I wish stars can bow out gracefully at their peak or while they're still near the top and quietly continue their lives outside of sports (see: Barry Sanders).
D: I would love to see Brett Favre play another year or two like the one he just had, but not for another franchise. Never for another franchise. Jon Unitas, Dan Fouts, and Joe Montana all finished their careers at locations other than the ones where they earned their stripes. Dan Marino had it right, and he's doing ok for himself. Why not let the man who just passed #13 in all the record books follow in his footsteps one last time? Before he is elected czar of Wisconsin, that is.
P: Speaking of veteran superstars bowing out in Miami, Jason Taylor was traded to the Redskins for 2 future picks, a 2nd rounder and a 6th rounder. Should he have stayed in Miami? Maybe not. But should he have gone to Washington? Eh...I'm not so sure. I don't blame Washington (for once) for this personnel move as they had some injuries to their defensive ends in camp and made the best move they could.
D: This was kind of a no-win situation for both Taylor and the Fins. He was their best player by far (my pseudo-apologies to Ronnie Brown), but Bill Parcells really didn't want him there. It is hard to question Parcells' methods, just as it is hard to question the productivity and leadership Taylor provides. Miami is rebuilding in the mold of the current Dallas Cowboys, and Taylor was a relic from the old regime. Basically, he didn't want to be there, and they didn't want him there. Washington finally stopped making ridiculous free agent moves for overrated players and made a pretty reasonable sacrifice for a guy who can add a solid pass rush for the next few years, or however long he wants to keep playing.
D: Another reasonable trade with a lot of upside is Jeremy Shockey to the Saints for a 2nd and a 5th rounder. The Super Bowl champs get to remove a negative presence from their locker room, and the Shocker is reunited with his old offensive coordinator, who did some impressive things with the big guy earlier in his career. New Orleans is a pretty easy team to read. In order to click offensively, they need a balanced running attack (that includes both Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush), explosive receivers, and a solid tight end. Now they have that.
P: I just hope Shockey keeps his psycho caveman persona I've come to know and love that he perfected with the G-Men. The Saints will most likely rebound from last season and I imagine the Giants will keep on clicking with the Big Boss Man getting the starts at TE.
D: Say what you will about Shockey's personality, but the dude can flat out ball. Payton is a creative offensive mind, and he will find plenty of ways to get the ball into the hands of his new toy. Look for the Saints to regain their 2006 form. I know I will.
D: Now as for the team I really want to see regain their 2006 form (postseason-wise, anyway), it is the Colts. Recent events have forced our star, our hero, our leader, our quarterback, Peyton Manning to have minor surgery on his knee. Word is that he will return to action in 4-6 weeks, meaning he will miss most of the preseason and be back for the regular season. What are the implications from your point of view, mi amigo?
P: I'm not concernicus about this surgery. Peyton doesn't play much in the preseason anyway so that won't be an issue. The surgery is to remove an inflamed bursa sac (bursitis) causing him pain in his knee. This isn't a big deal according to the doctorate I just earned by navigating over to WebMD.com. I'd rather him have the surgery now and be ready to go for the start of the regular season than avoid surgery and be worn down and possibly cause more damage as the season grinds on.
P: I like to avoid surgery when at all possible, but it's on a knee that he's not that reliant upon and not on his laser, rocket arm.
D: That's the main issue--as long as he heals up now and it doesn't affect his regular season play any, slice that knee all you want. Not to say that I am glad this happened. Far from it. But I am a little eager to see how Adam Tafralis does with his extra duty now. I know what you're asking: "Who the hell is Adam Trafalgar?!" Well he is currently our 3rd string QB behind 2nd year pro Josh Betts and everybody's favorite professional athlete, Jim Sorgi. Tafralis went undrafted after a fairly noteworthy career as the signal caller at San Jose State. He had a very good junior year but was injured for much of his senior year, leading him to us as a rookie free agent. I honestly think he might have the tools to push Betts out the door and even give Sorgi a run for his money as the primary backup. That, folks, was the frequently spoken of, rarely seen deadpan Dick dark horse pick. Lock it up.
P: You heard it hear first, folks. Keep your eye on that Tripoley character.
D: Speaking of Timberlakes, did you catch the ESPYs last night?
P: Missed it. No real reason. I don't think I've watched one ESPY Awards. I don't know what's wrong with me.
D: Nothing at all. I actually caught my first one last night. Awards shows don't appeal to me in the least, but I was pleasantly surprised. For a former boy band beebopper, Justin Timberlake earned a miniscule amount of my respect last night. He still has a high girlish voice, but he cracked wise a few times last night, so it was ok. Will Ferrell continues his stranglehold on the world of entertainment, and Greg Oden reminded everyone just how hip Father Time can be.
P: Mr. Timberlake's had my respect ever since "Dick In A Box."
D: That was hilarious. I just have a hard time adjusting my first impressions. He was in NSYNC then, and sometimes I still think he's in NSYNC now.
P: Yeah. It's certainly egregious to be a member of a boyband, but JT's done a fine job of picking up the pieces of his career and moving forward. Many can't get past the massive, yet hollow fame that comes with boy band superstardom. Some try desperately to keep the seed alive well past their expiration date. New Kids On The Block, anyone?
D: One other note about the ESPYs: apparently after the show, ESPN Page 2 writer Sam Alipour was hit by a car, and who was the good samaritan who helped him off the street and stayed with him until help arrived? One Terrell Owens. TO himself, ladies and gentlemen...who am I kidding, just gentlemen. Pretty cool for a guy who is constantly associated with a negative persona.
P: Maybe Papa Wade and Tony have helped T.O. turn over a new leaf as an arrogant wideout with more money than God AND a heart of gold.
D: I have to say, I don't know how we ever made it this long without blogging again. Honestly, let's never be away from each other for more than a week, agreed?
P: I feel ya, Dick (yikes). "Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?"
D: Before we go, I want to assure any of our readers that if they hear a guttural scream of pure ecstasy, don't be alarmed. It's just me celebrating the return of College Football Live to ESPN. Weekdays at 3:30. Spooge.
P: To our faithful readers, for every blog you do not read, a giant kitten will kill a retard. Thank you.
Pralines: Why the snow covered, sausage horking, ice fishing, cheese mongering citizens of Green Bay, Wisconsin haven't elected Brett Favre as their Mayor is beyond me. He's a green and yellow clad god up there in the frozen tundra. So if Brett wants to stay and QB another season or two longer for the Cheeseheads, that's fine by me. Aaron Rodgers seems like a nice enough guy and has been seen sporting a wicked awesome mustache in the past, but come on, it's Brett freakin' Favre. Grab a clipboard and fix yourself a bowl of Chunky's Soup. This career might take a while.
D: Alas, it didn't take long for our first official disagreement. Now I'm not going to try to debate the credentials of Aaron Rodgers vs. those of Brett Favre. It would be as futile as convincing you to drink ram's piss instead of beer. Not gonna happen. I will say, though, that it was Favre's decision to call it a career, regardless of any pressure he may have been feeling from the Packers organization. They probably did nudge him out the door, as their current actions would indicate, but he still had the final call. He had 2 years left on his contract, and they would have...I hate to say "begrudgingly," but begrudgingly let him play out his contract. He made the call, and they adapted and reacted. It is still a business, after all.
P: The Packers have every right to kick Brett Favre out on his Wrangler-clad keister and I understand why they might want to, but now since they've found themselves in this set of circumstances, they should probably live with Favre for another season. Plus anyone remotely involved can't wipe their ass without Chris Mortensen (Boo! You suck!) breaking into SportsCenter with a "new development in the Brett Favre saga." I'm sorry ESPN, but things like Star Wars and The Godfather are sagas. Brett Favre having a midlife crisis chock full of menstrual cycle-like indecision while a podunk town layered in ice and shame hangs in the balance isn't.
D: Well I just had a quarter-of-the-way-through-life crisis, as my Facebook inverted to some weird cryptic formation. Because I also know how to read links and tabs, that crisis has been averted. If only the Packers were able to quell crises so quickly and calmly, the people of Green Bay could get back to their cows in peace. Now as for the real victim in all of this, I can't help but empathize for Aaron Rodgers. He is probably the only professional athlete for whom I actually feel sorry. Think back to the 2005 Draft. All the talk was that Alex Smith and he were 1 and 1a in the QB/overall player pool. It was said that if he wasn't drafted first overall, he wouldn't squeak out of the top 10. No way. Woops. He sat there in the greenroom for hours and hours until the Pack scooped him up at 25. He watched his first contract diminish in value by the millions. He saw his chance for early playing time slipping away because there was no way legendary #4 would get benched in favor of the young gun.
D: Shortly after the draft, he was asked about Favre skipping mini-camp to be with his wife, Deanna, as she battled breast cancer. Rodgers jokingly called the gunslinger "lazy," and the media circus took off. He was dragged through the mud for making a harmless joke. If the national media even heard half the things I say, I would be a bigger pariah than Don Imus and Barack Obama's former reverend, combined. And now the stars align, Rodgers thinks he is inheriting the reins to a 13-3 team loaded with young talent and a pesky defense. Then what happens? His predecessor decides he's not ready to go yet, like a drunk staggering back into the bar. So GM Ted Thompson and coach Mike McCarthy have to play bouncer and insist that drunken Favre would be better off going home and sleeping it off. Tough breaks, young man. Tough breaks indeed.
P: I raise my Keystone Light (I smell a sponsorship) to you, Aaron Rodgers.
P: I wish stars can bow out gracefully at their peak or while they're still near the top and quietly continue their lives outside of sports (see: Barry Sanders).
D: I would love to see Brett Favre play another year or two like the one he just had, but not for another franchise. Never for another franchise. Jon Unitas, Dan Fouts, and Joe Montana all finished their careers at locations other than the ones where they earned their stripes. Dan Marino had it right, and he's doing ok for himself. Why not let the man who just passed #13 in all the record books follow in his footsteps one last time? Before he is elected czar of Wisconsin, that is.
P: Speaking of veteran superstars bowing out in Miami, Jason Taylor was traded to the Redskins for 2 future picks, a 2nd rounder and a 6th rounder. Should he have stayed in Miami? Maybe not. But should he have gone to Washington? Eh...I'm not so sure. I don't blame Washington (for once) for this personnel move as they had some injuries to their defensive ends in camp and made the best move they could.
D: This was kind of a no-win situation for both Taylor and the Fins. He was their best player by far (my pseudo-apologies to Ronnie Brown), but Bill Parcells really didn't want him there. It is hard to question Parcells' methods, just as it is hard to question the productivity and leadership Taylor provides. Miami is rebuilding in the mold of the current Dallas Cowboys, and Taylor was a relic from the old regime. Basically, he didn't want to be there, and they didn't want him there. Washington finally stopped making ridiculous free agent moves for overrated players and made a pretty reasonable sacrifice for a guy who can add a solid pass rush for the next few years, or however long he wants to keep playing.
D: Another reasonable trade with a lot of upside is Jeremy Shockey to the Saints for a 2nd and a 5th rounder. The Super Bowl champs get to remove a negative presence from their locker room, and the Shocker is reunited with his old offensive coordinator, who did some impressive things with the big guy earlier in his career. New Orleans is a pretty easy team to read. In order to click offensively, they need a balanced running attack (that includes both Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush), explosive receivers, and a solid tight end. Now they have that.
P: I just hope Shockey keeps his psycho caveman persona I've come to know and love that he perfected with the G-Men. The Saints will most likely rebound from last season and I imagine the Giants will keep on clicking with the Big Boss Man getting the starts at TE.
D: Say what you will about Shockey's personality, but the dude can flat out ball. Payton is a creative offensive mind, and he will find plenty of ways to get the ball into the hands of his new toy. Look for the Saints to regain their 2006 form. I know I will.
D: Now as for the team I really want to see regain their 2006 form (postseason-wise, anyway), it is the Colts. Recent events have forced our star, our hero, our leader, our quarterback, Peyton Manning to have minor surgery on his knee. Word is that he will return to action in 4-6 weeks, meaning he will miss most of the preseason and be back for the regular season. What are the implications from your point of view, mi amigo?
P: I'm not concernicus about this surgery. Peyton doesn't play much in the preseason anyway so that won't be an issue. The surgery is to remove an inflamed bursa sac (bursitis) causing him pain in his knee. This isn't a big deal according to the doctorate I just earned by navigating over to WebMD.com. I'd rather him have the surgery now and be ready to go for the start of the regular season than avoid surgery and be worn down and possibly cause more damage as the season grinds on.
P: I like to avoid surgery when at all possible, but it's on a knee that he's not that reliant upon and not on his laser, rocket arm.
D: That's the main issue--as long as he heals up now and it doesn't affect his regular season play any, slice that knee all you want. Not to say that I am glad this happened. Far from it. But I am a little eager to see how Adam Tafralis does with his extra duty now. I know what you're asking: "Who the hell is Adam Trafalgar?!" Well he is currently our 3rd string QB behind 2nd year pro Josh Betts and everybody's favorite professional athlete, Jim Sorgi. Tafralis went undrafted after a fairly noteworthy career as the signal caller at San Jose State. He had a very good junior year but was injured for much of his senior year, leading him to us as a rookie free agent. I honestly think he might have the tools to push Betts out the door and even give Sorgi a run for his money as the primary backup. That, folks, was the frequently spoken of, rarely seen deadpan Dick dark horse pick. Lock it up.
P: You heard it hear first, folks. Keep your eye on that Tripoley character.
D: Speaking of Timberlakes, did you catch the ESPYs last night?
P: Missed it. No real reason. I don't think I've watched one ESPY Awards. I don't know what's wrong with me.
D: Nothing at all. I actually caught my first one last night. Awards shows don't appeal to me in the least, but I was pleasantly surprised. For a former boy band beebopper, Justin Timberlake earned a miniscule amount of my respect last night. He still has a high girlish voice, but he cracked wise a few times last night, so it was ok. Will Ferrell continues his stranglehold on the world of entertainment, and Greg Oden reminded everyone just how hip Father Time can be.
P: Mr. Timberlake's had my respect ever since "Dick In A Box."
D: That was hilarious. I just have a hard time adjusting my first impressions. He was in NSYNC then, and sometimes I still think he's in NSYNC now.
P: Yeah. It's certainly egregious to be a member of a boyband, but JT's done a fine job of picking up the pieces of his career and moving forward. Many can't get past the massive, yet hollow fame that comes with boy band superstardom. Some try desperately to keep the seed alive well past their expiration date. New Kids On The Block, anyone?
D: One other note about the ESPYs: apparently after the show, ESPN Page 2 writer Sam Alipour was hit by a car, and who was the good samaritan who helped him off the street and stayed with him until help arrived? One Terrell Owens. TO himself, ladies and gentlemen...who am I kidding, just gentlemen. Pretty cool for a guy who is constantly associated with a negative persona.
P: Maybe Papa Wade and Tony have helped T.O. turn over a new leaf as an arrogant wideout with more money than God AND a heart of gold.
D: I have to say, I don't know how we ever made it this long without blogging again. Honestly, let's never be away from each other for more than a week, agreed?
P: I feel ya, Dick (yikes). "Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?"
D: Before we go, I want to assure any of our readers that if they hear a guttural scream of pure ecstasy, don't be alarmed. It's just me celebrating the return of College Football Live to ESPN. Weekdays at 3:30. Spooge.
P: To our faithful readers, for every blog you do not read, a giant kitten will kill a retard. Thank you.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Cal, those are 2 things that don't really go together.
Pralines: We're going to cover the NBA Draft '08 tonight and I want to start this blog off by saying I think Jeff Van Gundy is an absolutely horrible analyst. I hear him talk and I feel like I become a stupider personification. The only reason I like seeing him every now and then is because he looks just like Ted from "Scrubs," and that fun fact warms my heart. Anywho, Not too many surprises so far in the draft, maybe the taking of the Super Lopez Twins taken in the top 15 being a bit of a stretch, but honestly I'm kind of phoning this draft in, with my fourth Keystone Light (who's coincidentally an ESPN sponsor of their draft coverage) open in front of me. The NBA: Where "meh" happens.
Dick: The NBA draft is an entirely different creature than the NFL draft, which gives me reason to keep breathing in the late winter/early spring. The NBA draft is something to watch on a boring summer night, but with so many foreign-born players and freshmen from across the country, it is harder for me to stay into it. I really have a tepid interest in the NBA, and that causes another set of problems entirely. Because NFL games are on 17 weeks out of the year, I can watch a lot of teams and monitor their rosters and needs come draft time. I maybe catch 0.125 of 82 regular season NBA games, and that makes it a lot harder to predict these things.
D: Coming in to the draft, I was holding out hope that the Pacers would pick up D.J. Augustin and either: Robin Lopez, Kosta Koufos, or Roy Hibbert. As little as I know, I did know that they would need a big man and a point guard. So what do they do? They take Jerry Bayless and (indirectly) Roy Hibbert. Good. I like it, but oh wait...they trade Bayless for Jarrett Jack and prodigal son Josh McRoberts. Uhh...what?
P: I'm extremely close to giving up hope on the Birdman and his Pacers. I support them because I'm a homer in a big way (just as I supported the Colts pre-nonsuckiness) but they're not giving me much to hope for here. Larry Bird looks like he's always pissed off, but he's made his bed and he's going to have to lie in it, and right now his bed is full of crap players and a head coach with skunk-hair. Oh and they took some forward from Australia with their second round pick, named Nathan Jawai. He, of course being one of several players selected in the second round with ridiculous names. Jawai joins Nikola Pekovic, Omer Asik, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Sonny Weems, Ante Tomic and Goran Dragic. The NBA: Where funny-sounding names happen.
D: They took another foreigner last year, and the consensus from ESPN and Co. was that he would stay overseas for another 3 years or so before coming to the States. Maybe I'm just being naive, and maybe I don't know much about "the modern NBA," but that is boring as all hell. Are any diehard Pacers fans taking down the names of these guys and crossing their fingers waiting for those 3 years to pass until the fruits of drafts past are realized? Really? It just seems like to me that a team like the Pacers who is losing and needs immediate help should draft for right now and not for the next regime, which is what usually happens with these bad teams. Although this Aussie will be shipped up north to Canada, eh, as a part of the J.O. trade.
P: I'm glad we're beginning to totally rebuild with the movement of O' Neal, but I have to agree that the Pacers need immediate help. Besides, these foreign guys flop like it's going out of style, and I hate that. Anderson Varejao and Manu Ginobli are two of the most egregious floppers in the league. Varejao is better known for his hair than his play, but Ginobli is actually a good player and I can't deny his talents (even though I'd love to because I can't stand the Spurs). When he flops, it just undermines his game. The NBA: Where grown men being crybabies happens.
D: I like J.O. both as a player and as a person. He has done very good things for this organization and city, but it was time for all parties to part ways. Good luck in Toronto, big guy. In my opinion, the next move should be removing Jamaal Tinsley from the roster, be it from trade or just cutting him. The Raptors trade brings in a younger and more efficient point guard in T.J. Ford and clears up immense cap room, so we are no longer handcuffed to Tinsley as the starting point guard.
D: Let's just recap what the new roster will look like: Jermaine O'neal and Ike Diogu are gone, Jamaal Tinsley and Shawne Williams are "on thin ice" in Larry Legend's words, we add Maceo Baston, Rasho Nesterovic, Roy Hibbert and Josh McRoberts up front, and throw T.J. Ford and Brandon Rush to a suddenly crowded back court.
P: I'd like to wish Tinsley a good luck as well: Good luck not getting arrested for you and your posse getting shot at in front of a hotel this season, wherever you may be playing. This turned into a Pacers intervention rather quickly, so I'm just going to put out there that I think the Trailblazer are going to be a team to watch next year, along with the Bulls. I mean, their coach is Vinny del Negro, for crying out loud. Awesome name. Even better head of hair. The NBA: Where white coaches named del Negro happens.
D: Yeah, I don't want to turn this into an NBA=Pacers talk as I would with the NFL and Colts, respectively. The Trail Blazers are making trades like they are going out of style. They now have a very physical and young front court with Greg Oden and Joey Dorsey and a young and talented back court with Brandon Roy and Jerryd Bayless. Miami helped their meal ticket D-Wade substantially with the selection of Michael Beasley. I was slightly put off when Knicks fans booed the selection of an Italian small forward, as if New York and Italy don't go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding...then I remembered that New Yorkers are the scum of the Earth and communicate only in boos. What a unique culture.
P: Yeah, it's an entirely different language of the fans up their in the Big Apple. I just hope for Riles' sake D-Wade comes back fully healthy and avoids injury this season. As for the team formerly known as the Jailblazers, I love Oden, but I don't agree with ESPN's guys assuming he's going to come in and dominate in his rookie season. He'll be good, but don't hand him that Rookie of the Year trophy just yet. The NBA: Where ludicrous expectations happens.
D: Well you have to keep in mind, sweet tasty buttery nougaty Pralines, that this is coming from the same broadcast team that proclaimed last night that Michael Beasley will be an All-Star and Hall of Famer. Yeah...that's logical. He's played 1 year of college basketball. Let's induct him into the H.O.F. Are you fucking kidding me? I know you have to make waves as a talking head, but give me a break. Hyperbole aside, why don't you just tell us the pros and cons of each player and check all this insane future credential nonsense at the door. Don't get me wrong, I think that Beasley is a phenomenal talent and will be a good player, but the Hall of Fame? I just cannot allow that.
P: I concur, Dr. Dickenstein. ESPN's playing the highlights now of the night and I can't get enough of Robin Lopez with a hat sitting on top of his afro. The NBA: Where "They look so damn much like the same person. If you ask one of them if they want ice cream, they both say yes" happens.
D: I have to admit that I have been a Stanford fan for a very long time, and when Brook Lopez slid to 10, I started pondering this vision of Stanford University-East, a.k.a.: the Indiana Pacers. We had the 11th and 17th picks, and we could have taken Brook at 11 and Robin at 17 because, naturally, he is not as good as his brother...
D: Ahh, the best laid plans of mice and couch potatoes.
P: I'm spent. This blog has the Pralines Moderately Sober Seal of Approval.
D: Yeah, I think we covered what we needed to.
P: This is Pralines saying slam that beer, pussy! Goodnight.
D: Have a good weekend, Pralines and our beloved readers. Dick, out.
Dick: The NBA draft is an entirely different creature than the NFL draft, which gives me reason to keep breathing in the late winter/early spring. The NBA draft is something to watch on a boring summer night, but with so many foreign-born players and freshmen from across the country, it is harder for me to stay into it. I really have a tepid interest in the NBA, and that causes another set of problems entirely. Because NFL games are on 17 weeks out of the year, I can watch a lot of teams and monitor their rosters and needs come draft time. I maybe catch 0.125 of 82 regular season NBA games, and that makes it a lot harder to predict these things.
D: Coming in to the draft, I was holding out hope that the Pacers would pick up D.J. Augustin and either: Robin Lopez, Kosta Koufos, or Roy Hibbert. As little as I know, I did know that they would need a big man and a point guard. So what do they do? They take Jerry Bayless and (indirectly) Roy Hibbert. Good. I like it, but oh wait...they trade Bayless for Jarrett Jack and prodigal son Josh McRoberts. Uhh...what?
P: I'm extremely close to giving up hope on the Birdman and his Pacers. I support them because I'm a homer in a big way (just as I supported the Colts pre-nonsuckiness) but they're not giving me much to hope for here. Larry Bird looks like he's always pissed off, but he's made his bed and he's going to have to lie in it, and right now his bed is full of crap players and a head coach with skunk-hair. Oh and they took some forward from Australia with their second round pick, named Nathan Jawai. He, of course being one of several players selected in the second round with ridiculous names. Jawai joins Nikola Pekovic, Omer Asik, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Sonny Weems, Ante Tomic and Goran Dragic. The NBA: Where funny-sounding names happen.
D: They took another foreigner last year, and the consensus from ESPN and Co. was that he would stay overseas for another 3 years or so before coming to the States. Maybe I'm just being naive, and maybe I don't know much about "the modern NBA," but that is boring as all hell. Are any diehard Pacers fans taking down the names of these guys and crossing their fingers waiting for those 3 years to pass until the fruits of drafts past are realized? Really? It just seems like to me that a team like the Pacers who is losing and needs immediate help should draft for right now and not for the next regime, which is what usually happens with these bad teams. Although this Aussie will be shipped up north to Canada, eh, as a part of the J.O. trade.
P: I'm glad we're beginning to totally rebuild with the movement of O' Neal, but I have to agree that the Pacers need immediate help. Besides, these foreign guys flop like it's going out of style, and I hate that. Anderson Varejao and Manu Ginobli are two of the most egregious floppers in the league. Varejao is better known for his hair than his play, but Ginobli is actually a good player and I can't deny his talents (even though I'd love to because I can't stand the Spurs). When he flops, it just undermines his game. The NBA: Where grown men being crybabies happens.
D: I like J.O. both as a player and as a person. He has done very good things for this organization and city, but it was time for all parties to part ways. Good luck in Toronto, big guy. In my opinion, the next move should be removing Jamaal Tinsley from the roster, be it from trade or just cutting him. The Raptors trade brings in a younger and more efficient point guard in T.J. Ford and clears up immense cap room, so we are no longer handcuffed to Tinsley as the starting point guard.
D: Let's just recap what the new roster will look like: Jermaine O'neal and Ike Diogu are gone, Jamaal Tinsley and Shawne Williams are "on thin ice" in Larry Legend's words, we add Maceo Baston, Rasho Nesterovic, Roy Hibbert and Josh McRoberts up front, and throw T.J. Ford and Brandon Rush to a suddenly crowded back court.
P: I'd like to wish Tinsley a good luck as well: Good luck not getting arrested for you and your posse getting shot at in front of a hotel this season, wherever you may be playing. This turned into a Pacers intervention rather quickly, so I'm just going to put out there that I think the Trailblazer are going to be a team to watch next year, along with the Bulls. I mean, their coach is Vinny del Negro, for crying out loud. Awesome name. Even better head of hair. The NBA: Where white coaches named del Negro happens.
D: Yeah, I don't want to turn this into an NBA=Pacers talk as I would with the NFL and Colts, respectively. The Trail Blazers are making trades like they are going out of style. They now have a very physical and young front court with Greg Oden and Joey Dorsey and a young and talented back court with Brandon Roy and Jerryd Bayless. Miami helped their meal ticket D-Wade substantially with the selection of Michael Beasley. I was slightly put off when Knicks fans booed the selection of an Italian small forward, as if New York and Italy don't go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding...then I remembered that New Yorkers are the scum of the Earth and communicate only in boos. What a unique culture.
P: Yeah, it's an entirely different language of the fans up their in the Big Apple. I just hope for Riles' sake D-Wade comes back fully healthy and avoids injury this season. As for the team formerly known as the Jailblazers, I love Oden, but I don't agree with ESPN's guys assuming he's going to come in and dominate in his rookie season. He'll be good, but don't hand him that Rookie of the Year trophy just yet. The NBA: Where ludicrous expectations happens.
D: Well you have to keep in mind, sweet tasty buttery nougaty Pralines, that this is coming from the same broadcast team that proclaimed last night that Michael Beasley will be an All-Star and Hall of Famer. Yeah...that's logical. He's played 1 year of college basketball. Let's induct him into the H.O.F. Are you fucking kidding me? I know you have to make waves as a talking head, but give me a break. Hyperbole aside, why don't you just tell us the pros and cons of each player and check all this insane future credential nonsense at the door. Don't get me wrong, I think that Beasley is a phenomenal talent and will be a good player, but the Hall of Fame? I just cannot allow that.
P: I concur, Dr. Dickenstein. ESPN's playing the highlights now of the night and I can't get enough of Robin Lopez with a hat sitting on top of his afro. The NBA: Where "They look so damn much like the same person. If you ask one of them if they want ice cream, they both say yes" happens.
D: I have to admit that I have been a Stanford fan for a very long time, and when Brook Lopez slid to 10, I started pondering this vision of Stanford University-East, a.k.a.: the Indiana Pacers. We had the 11th and 17th picks, and we could have taken Brook at 11 and Robin at 17 because, naturally, he is not as good as his brother...
D: Ahh, the best laid plans of mice and couch potatoes.
P: I'm spent. This blog has the Pralines Moderately Sober Seal of Approval.
D: Yeah, I think we covered what we needed to.
P: This is Pralines saying slam that beer, pussy! Goodnight.
D: Have a good weekend, Pralines and our beloved readers. Dick, out.
Friday, June 20, 2008
I heat up the ice cubes...It's the best of both worlds!
Dick: Well Tiger Woods is still awesome, the Celtics proved once again that defense wins championships, and being fired in the middle of the night while 3000 miles from home is just plain brutal (right, Willie Randolph?). But we don't need to beat those topics into the ground. As we both love sports, and we both love movies, it seems only logical that we discuss the greatest sports movies of all time.
D: I think the easiest way to do it might be sport by sport, and since football is always on the top of my list, I will start there. Friday Night Lights wins because of quotability factor, realistic football action, and humanistic characters. Varsity Blues is a close second, falling short to FNL in all of those categories. The Replacements, while thoroughly enjoyable, is just not realistic at all; from beginning to end, it is just one big "WTF, mate?" moment after another. I like the movie, and I watch it every time it is on (thanks to TBS), but it wins my Golden Raspberry Award.
Pralines: I support those choices. I'm going to drop some seriousness on the world with Rudy. Revived Sean Astin's career, and was the birthplace of the team-up between Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn. Now to go completely off the charts, I'm going to say Necessary Roughness. Scott Bakula is underrated here as the aging cowboy quarterback who returns to play college ball, with hilarity from Jason Bateman and Rob Schneider as the play-by-play man.
D: When we come upon another sports news drought, I think we should devote an entire blogosphere to football movies. I mean, we didn't even mention Remember the Titans, Invincible, Any Given Sunday, We are Marshall, The Longest Yard (old or new), or even the Waterboy. Come on.
P: Too many subdivisions in the football genre to tap into all of them in one sitting.
D: Of course. Let's see, next in line alphabetically after football is yachting, I'm pretty sure. I don't know any yachting movies though, so I will laud Kingpin as the greatest bowling movie of all time. Honorable mention goes to the Big Lebowski because they do play substantial frames of bowling. Bowling movies must be the key to hilarity. One would be hard pressed to find a more impressive pair of sporting comedies than Kingpin and the Big Lebowski.
P: Oh absolutely. Kingpin I feel is the most overlooked film by the Farrellys. Bill Murray steals it for me as Ernie McCracken ("It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits, Roy"). The Big Lebowski is amazing on so many levels. Jeff Bridges plays my personal hero as the ultimate slacker/amateur bowler ever dedicated to celluloid.
D: In addition to our football movie roundabout, we should just fill up paragraphs with Kingpin and Big Lebowski quotes...perhaps a "to be continued" on the end of this entry. Who knows?
D: The most obvious golf flicks are Caddyshack and Happy Gilmore. Enough said.
P: Caddyshack is just amazing. Happy Gilmore, while enjoyable, isn't in the same league as Caddyshack. Bill Murray (see a pattern here?) as the insane groundskeeper, Chevy Chase as the club pro/resident ladies man Ty Webb and Rodney Dangerfield are just amazing together onscreen.
D: No arguments there. I will be the first to admit that I generally favor newer movies to old, but Caddyshack blows Happy Gilmore out of the water. Hands down.
D: Let's see...baseball brings us to Major League. Bull Durham deserves mention, but cmon. Major League. How good is Major League? I also can't help but notice that my movie choices started out quasi-serious and have since plummeted into "best sports comedies." That's just who I am. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
P: I enjoyed an Indianapolis Indians game last night and the whole time I wasn't sipping on Coors Light drafts, i was quoting both Major League and Bull Durham. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle is tremendous as the drunken announcer, but I think what makes it work is the ensemble cast. I mean clearly this is Charlie Sheen's best work besides Hot Shots, and it's Corbin Bernsen's best work, well, ever.
D: For some reason, and I honestly cannot explain why, my favorite line comes in the final game against the Yankees when the NYY first basemen asks Wesley Snipes/Willie Mays Hayes, "Going somewhere, meat?" To which WS/WMH replies, "About 90 feet." Like I said, I cannot explain why, but that is my favorite line out an entire movie of great lines. Weird, I know.
P: Harry Doyle: "The Duke is the league's triple crown winner, leading in saves, strikeouts per inning, and hit batsmen. This guy threw at his own kid in a father-son game."
D: "How would you like to manage the Indians this year?" "Gee, I don't know."
P: Since we're not technically throwing out all serious sports movies, I'd feel bad if I didn't namedrop the following titles: For Love Of The Game, Field Of Dreams, and The Natural. Oh, and Rookie Of The Year and Little Big League and Angels In The Outfield, but for entirely different reasons. Those three movies are links to my childhood and reminders of how my tastes in films have grown over the years.
D: Rookie of the Year is good. I give it 2 thumbs up for 2 main reasons. First is the quote "Funky butt-lovin'" and the second is Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern is like a poor man's Steve Buscemi. By that I mean he is always funny, even though his roles are usually minimal, save for Bushwacked and Home Alone. But those are fucking funny anyway.
P: Indeed. He makes City Slickers watchable. Hopefully our support here can get him more roles.
D: What the hell happened to him? I can't think of anything he's done in the last decade. That sucks.
P: Another subdivision to delve into would be Will Ferrell sports comedies. Talladega Night: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby led the way and is probably the most well-known, but I think people are too quick to dismiss the genius of both Blades Of Glory and Semi-Pro. People need to preface their viewings with the mindset that they are separate, stand-alone films and should be enjoyed as such, and not just Ricky Bobby on ice skates and on the
D: I have to admit that he plays the same character in a different uniform with a different voice, but the movies are still funny. Just because they are unoriginal doesn't mean they are ungood. They can, in fact, be unungood, and they are unungood. I'd also like to throw out a last minute salute to the Mighty Ducks as my favorite hockey movie.
D: And Kicking and Screaming...wow Will Ferrell makes a lot of sports movies.
P: EMILIO! Yes, he as former pro hopeful turned lawyer turned kids hockey coach Gordon Bombay (great name) is amazing. D2 isn't bad, but The Mighty Ducks 3 is super lame. Kicking and Screaming works mainly because of Robert Duvall and Mike Ditka as grizzled old neighbors that hate each others guts.
D: I'm not crazy about Kicking and Screaming, as it is inevitably one of Mr. Ferrell's ungoodest works, but it does grow on you. I hated it after the first viewing, but I'm up to about 4 viewings now, and I kinda like it.
P: Agreed. It takes a while for the funny to seep through, but overall it's a solid picture.
D: Will Ferrell calling Coach Ditka "juice box" makes it worthwhile, if for no other reason than a similar situation on the streets would result in a giant can of whoop ass being opened.*
P: Well, with this being the most scatterbrained blog we've done to date, at least we walked away with a plethora of future blog topics to dive into more detail. Shall we end this tea party?
D: I don't see much good coming out of a continuation. It's bad enough that I'm stone cold sober and blogging on a Friday night. I feel it best to limit myself to one sadsack behavior at a time. Have a good weekend, Pralines.
P: Until we blog again, Dick.
*Everyone wave goodbye to juice box! Literally wave. DO IT! Parents too! Everyone waves.
D: I think the easiest way to do it might be sport by sport, and since football is always on the top of my list, I will start there. Friday Night Lights wins because of quotability factor, realistic football action, and humanistic characters. Varsity Blues is a close second, falling short to FNL in all of those categories. The Replacements, while thoroughly enjoyable, is just not realistic at all; from beginning to end, it is just one big "WTF, mate?" moment after another. I like the movie, and I watch it every time it is on (thanks to TBS), but it wins my Golden Raspberry Award.
Pralines: I support those choices. I'm going to drop some seriousness on the world with Rudy. Revived Sean Astin's career, and was the birthplace of the team-up between Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn. Now to go completely off the charts, I'm going to say Necessary Roughness. Scott Bakula is underrated here as the aging cowboy quarterback who returns to play college ball, with hilarity from Jason Bateman and Rob Schneider as the play-by-play man.
D: When we come upon another sports news drought, I think we should devote an entire blogosphere to football movies. I mean, we didn't even mention Remember the Titans, Invincible, Any Given Sunday, We are Marshall, The Longest Yard (old or new), or even the Waterboy. Come on.
P: Too many subdivisions in the football genre to tap into all of them in one sitting.
D: Of course. Let's see, next in line alphabetically after football is yachting, I'm pretty sure. I don't know any yachting movies though, so I will laud Kingpin as the greatest bowling movie of all time. Honorable mention goes to the Big Lebowski because they do play substantial frames of bowling. Bowling movies must be the key to hilarity. One would be hard pressed to find a more impressive pair of sporting comedies than Kingpin and the Big Lebowski.
P: Oh absolutely. Kingpin I feel is the most overlooked film by the Farrellys. Bill Murray steals it for me as Ernie McCracken ("It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits, Roy"). The Big Lebowski is amazing on so many levels. Jeff Bridges plays my personal hero as the ultimate slacker/amateur bowler ever dedicated to celluloid.
D: In addition to our football movie roundabout, we should just fill up paragraphs with Kingpin and Big Lebowski quotes...perhaps a "to be continued" on the end of this entry. Who knows?
D: The most obvious golf flicks are Caddyshack and Happy Gilmore. Enough said.
P: Caddyshack is just amazing. Happy Gilmore, while enjoyable, isn't in the same league as Caddyshack. Bill Murray (see a pattern here?) as the insane groundskeeper, Chevy Chase as the club pro/resident ladies man Ty Webb and Rodney Dangerfield are just amazing together onscreen.
D: No arguments there. I will be the first to admit that I generally favor newer movies to old, but Caddyshack blows Happy Gilmore out of the water. Hands down.
D: Let's see...baseball brings us to Major League. Bull Durham deserves mention, but cmon. Major League. How good is Major League? I also can't help but notice that my movie choices started out quasi-serious and have since plummeted into "best sports comedies." That's just who I am. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
P: I enjoyed an Indianapolis Indians game last night and the whole time I wasn't sipping on Coors Light drafts, i was quoting both Major League and Bull Durham. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle is tremendous as the drunken announcer, but I think what makes it work is the ensemble cast. I mean clearly this is Charlie Sheen's best work besides Hot Shots, and it's Corbin Bernsen's best work, well, ever.
D: For some reason, and I honestly cannot explain why, my favorite line comes in the final game against the Yankees when the NYY first basemen asks Wesley Snipes/Willie Mays Hayes, "Going somewhere, meat?" To which WS/WMH replies, "About 90 feet." Like I said, I cannot explain why, but that is my favorite line out an entire movie of great lines. Weird, I know.
P: Harry Doyle: "The Duke is the league's triple crown winner, leading in saves, strikeouts per inning, and hit batsmen. This guy threw at his own kid in a father-son game."
D: "How would you like to manage the Indians this year?" "Gee, I don't know."
P: Since we're not technically throwing out all serious sports movies, I'd feel bad if I didn't namedrop the following titles: For Love Of The Game, Field Of Dreams, and The Natural. Oh, and Rookie Of The Year and Little Big League and Angels In The Outfield, but for entirely different reasons. Those three movies are links to my childhood and reminders of how my tastes in films have grown over the years.
D: Rookie of the Year is good. I give it 2 thumbs up for 2 main reasons. First is the quote "Funky butt-lovin'" and the second is Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern is like a poor man's Steve Buscemi. By that I mean he is always funny, even though his roles are usually minimal, save for Bushwacked and Home Alone. But those are fucking funny anyway.
P: Indeed. He makes City Slickers watchable. Hopefully our support here can get him more roles.
D: What the hell happened to him? I can't think of anything he's done in the last decade. That sucks.
P: Another subdivision to delve into would be Will Ferrell sports comedies. Talladega Night: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby led the way and is probably the most well-known, but I think people are too quick to dismiss the genius of both Blades Of Glory and Semi-Pro. People need to preface their viewings with the mindset that they are separate, stand-alone films and should be enjoyed as such, and not just Ricky Bobby on ice skates and on the
D: I have to admit that he plays the same character in a different uniform with a different voice, but the movies are still funny. Just because they are unoriginal doesn't mean they are ungood. They can, in fact, be unungood, and they are unungood. I'd also like to throw out a last minute salute to the Mighty Ducks as my favorite hockey movie.
D: And Kicking and Screaming...wow Will Ferrell makes a lot of sports movies.
P: EMILIO! Yes, he as former pro hopeful turned lawyer turned kids hockey coach Gordon Bombay (great name) is amazing. D2 isn't bad, but The Mighty Ducks 3 is super lame. Kicking and Screaming works mainly because of Robert Duvall and Mike Ditka as grizzled old neighbors that hate each others guts.
D: I'm not crazy about Kicking and Screaming, as it is inevitably one of Mr. Ferrell's ungoodest works, but it does grow on you. I hated it after the first viewing, but I'm up to about 4 viewings now, and I kinda like it.
P: Agreed. It takes a while for the funny to seep through, but overall it's a solid picture.
D: Will Ferrell calling Coach Ditka "juice box" makes it worthwhile, if for no other reason than a similar situation on the streets would result in a giant can of whoop ass being opened.*
P: Well, with this being the most scatterbrained blog we've done to date, at least we walked away with a plethora of future blog topics to dive into more detail. Shall we end this tea party?
D: I don't see much good coming out of a continuation. It's bad enough that I'm stone cold sober and blogging on a Friday night. I feel it best to limit myself to one sadsack behavior at a time. Have a good weekend, Pralines.
P: Until we blog again, Dick.
*Everyone wave goodbye to juice box! Literally wave. DO IT! Parents too! Everyone waves.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Welcome Back, Coxer
Dick: Well here we go, after an unnecessarily long layoff. Pralines, Tim Donaghy has been making a lot of waves as of late, and you can't have an NBA finals series without talk of rotten officiating, so lets dish. First thoughts?
Pralines: my first thoughts are that i miss being in tennessee in a cabin up the side of a mountain with satellite tv AND the nfl network AND a pool table which was glorious (uber digression). but honestly, i don't back stern's approach (and the approach of the majority of commissioners when faced with harsh allegations) of just dismissing it like officer barbrady. "ok people. nothin' to see here. move along folks."
D: Yeah, he's taking the defense attorney tactic and just destroying Donaghy's credibility. I firmly believe that if you have nothing to hide, you face problems head on. This makes me think that there may be a more deeply rooted problem than just Donaghy. I read today that the feds were asking a lot about Dick Bevetta, he of the race vs. Sir Charles Barkley fame. Bevetta is like 80. I certainly hope he's not the mastermind behind the corrupted officials. Oh well.
P: i hope not as well. bevetta is one of the more well respected officials ou there right now. it might be that stern's right about donaghy's allegations, but instead of just pushing the usual holier than thou perception stern gives off when answering any questions about his league, he needs to show the fans that he's willing to address an issue that has been on people's minds for some time now. even if stern's right about donaghy, perhaps he's not willing to allow an outside entity to examine the league because of other transgressions happening that he is more than well aware of.
D: Maybe Stern is the ring leader. It makes sense: he's a native New Yorker, he tries his damnedest to keep a squeaky clean image, he denies problems like it's his job, and he hires guys named Donaghy and Bevetta to run the games. I'm on to you, Stern. I'm on to you.
P: and it looks like he's set a bad example for wet behind the ears commish roger goodell. he's behaving in a very sternish manner so far in his career. destroying the spygate tapes? really, rog? come on. we all know there are issues in all major sports, but officials rigging games (possibly on orders from the league itself) is unbelievable to me. teams or players cheating the game is one thing, but the league sabotaging it's own playoff system is a whole 'nother level of retardation. we're talkin' timmy and lords of the underworld retarded.
D: Ribrawr-timmawr. And let's not forget everybody's favorite scape-goat: Bud Selig. Whenever something goes wrong with MLB, and there are plenty of instances, Bud is usually to blame. For instance, the tie in the All Star game a few years back? Come on now. Calling his own efforts to see Barry Bonds hit the record breaker "herculean." Seriously? Sitting in luxury suites watching the game you supposedly love as one of its most polarizing figures breaks the most prestigious record the game has...that's herculean? Methinks not. They can't all be Paul Tagliabue, but they shouldn’t all be Bud Selig either.
P: Tagliabue did work on a level that Mr. Big Black himself would be proud of. i think with the mlb, nfl and nba, they are all worried about outdoing one another in the business-end of the world, so it leads them to make decisions a drunken fratboy would call "questionable." but let's look at the nhl. like the smartest/loneliest guy in class, sitting alone, occasionally talking (to no one), but that kid, while demented and sad, knows it's place and is willing to accept it and is all the more happier for it.
D: NHL will never be prom king here in America, and NHL is ok with that. It stands to reason that I don't know the NHL Commish's name. I sit at the cool table. NHL eats its dessert alone like Steven fucking Glansberg. To go back to Bud for a second, I have to ask your thoughts on bringing replay into baseball. Yay or nay?
P: baseball is already slower than molasses in winter (i dunno, i guess it's some kind of saying or whatever), but using it to determine home runs or fair and foul balls isn't a bad idea. using it to determine balls and strikes or outs is the worst idea since breakin' 2: electric boogaloo.
D: That's my opinion. Leave the sacred "human element" in the game as far as balls and strikes go, but why not make sure it really is a home run and not fan interference or a ground rule double? That would only help the game, would it not?
P: i agree, since those aren't judgment calls, but facts. i think facts are important, right?
D: I'm not a doctor, but I've always found facts to be important. They seem to have some weight behind them.
Unrelated side-note: Boston just came back from the dead and stuck it to Jack Nicholson and the rest of Lakerland. I couldn't be happier.
P: thank goodness. it was looking pretty bleak. i love me some nicholson ("I must be crazy to be in a looney bin like this") , but the lakers aren't winning this finals.
D: Right, I have no problem with Jack. He's a good man. I just hate Kobe and the Lakers. I'm not crazy about Boston either, but they are the lesser of 2 evils. I want the Boston 3 Party to get a ring. They deserve it.
P: the luckiest guy on earth right now? scot pollard. sat on the bench for most, if not all of this season, and is going to get a ring.
D: I envy guys like that more than anything in the world. I would honestly love to be Jim Sorgi, as strange as it may sound. He has the greatest job in the world, and he has a Super Bowl ring. What a dick cheeseburger.
P: or whatever. well, like peter griffin when he saw "failure to launch" at the movies, i'm done. good blog, all around. neat-o gang.
D: I can't believe it's been like 3 weeks since we did this. Way too long for my liking. But that's an issue for another day. Later, amigo.
D: PS: thanks for picking up my Airheads quote. Well done.
P: peace, dick. "wrong dickhead. trick question. lemmy is god."
D: I’M GONNA STAB THEIR HEADS OFF! With what? WITH MY DICK!
*obligatory footnote
Pralines: my first thoughts are that i miss being in tennessee in a cabin up the side of a mountain with satellite tv AND the nfl network AND a pool table which was glorious (uber digression). but honestly, i don't back stern's approach (and the approach of the majority of commissioners when faced with harsh allegations) of just dismissing it like officer barbrady. "ok people. nothin' to see here. move along folks."
D: Yeah, he's taking the defense attorney tactic and just destroying Donaghy's credibility. I firmly believe that if you have nothing to hide, you face problems head on. This makes me think that there may be a more deeply rooted problem than just Donaghy. I read today that the feds were asking a lot about Dick Bevetta, he of the race vs. Sir Charles Barkley fame. Bevetta is like 80. I certainly hope he's not the mastermind behind the corrupted officials. Oh well.
P: i hope not as well. bevetta is one of the more well respected officials ou there right now. it might be that stern's right about donaghy's allegations, but instead of just pushing the usual holier than thou perception stern gives off when answering any questions about his league, he needs to show the fans that he's willing to address an issue that has been on people's minds for some time now. even if stern's right about donaghy, perhaps he's not willing to allow an outside entity to examine the league because of other transgressions happening that he is more than well aware of.
D: Maybe Stern is the ring leader. It makes sense: he's a native New Yorker, he tries his damnedest to keep a squeaky clean image, he denies problems like it's his job, and he hires guys named Donaghy and Bevetta to run the games. I'm on to you, Stern. I'm on to you.
P: and it looks like he's set a bad example for wet behind the ears commish roger goodell. he's behaving in a very sternish manner so far in his career. destroying the spygate tapes? really, rog? come on. we all know there are issues in all major sports, but officials rigging games (possibly on orders from the league itself) is unbelievable to me. teams or players cheating the game is one thing, but the league sabotaging it's own playoff system is a whole 'nother level of retardation. we're talkin' timmy and lords of the underworld retarded.
D: Ribrawr-timmawr. And let's not forget everybody's favorite scape-goat: Bud Selig. Whenever something goes wrong with MLB, and there are plenty of instances, Bud is usually to blame. For instance, the tie in the All Star game a few years back? Come on now. Calling his own efforts to see Barry Bonds hit the record breaker "herculean." Seriously? Sitting in luxury suites watching the game you supposedly love as one of its most polarizing figures breaks the most prestigious record the game has...that's herculean? Methinks not. They can't all be Paul Tagliabue, but they shouldn’t all be Bud Selig either.
P: Tagliabue did work on a level that Mr. Big Black himself would be proud of. i think with the mlb, nfl and nba, they are all worried about outdoing one another in the business-end of the world, so it leads them to make decisions a drunken fratboy would call "questionable." but let's look at the nhl. like the smartest/loneliest guy in class, sitting alone, occasionally talking (to no one), but that kid, while demented and sad, knows it's place and is willing to accept it and is all the more happier for it.
D: NHL will never be prom king here in America, and NHL is ok with that. It stands to reason that I don't know the NHL Commish's name. I sit at the cool table. NHL eats its dessert alone like Steven fucking Glansberg. To go back to Bud for a second, I have to ask your thoughts on bringing replay into baseball. Yay or nay?
P: baseball is already slower than molasses in winter (i dunno, i guess it's some kind of saying or whatever), but using it to determine home runs or fair and foul balls isn't a bad idea. using it to determine balls and strikes or outs is the worst idea since breakin' 2: electric boogaloo.
D: That's my opinion. Leave the sacred "human element" in the game as far as balls and strikes go, but why not make sure it really is a home run and not fan interference or a ground rule double? That would only help the game, would it not?
P: i agree, since those aren't judgment calls, but facts. i think facts are important, right?
D: I'm not a doctor, but I've always found facts to be important. They seem to have some weight behind them.
Unrelated side-note: Boston just came back from the dead and stuck it to Jack Nicholson and the rest of Lakerland. I couldn't be happier.
P: thank goodness. it was looking pretty bleak. i love me some nicholson ("I must be crazy to be in a looney bin like this") , but the lakers aren't winning this finals.
D: Right, I have no problem with Jack. He's a good man. I just hate Kobe and the Lakers. I'm not crazy about Boston either, but they are the lesser of 2 evils. I want the Boston 3 Party to get a ring. They deserve it.
P: the luckiest guy on earth right now? scot pollard. sat on the bench for most, if not all of this season, and is going to get a ring.
D: I envy guys like that more than anything in the world. I would honestly love to be Jim Sorgi, as strange as it may sound. He has the greatest job in the world, and he has a Super Bowl ring. What a dick cheeseburger.
P: or whatever. well, like peter griffin when he saw "failure to launch" at the movies, i'm done. good blog, all around. neat-o gang.
D: I can't believe it's been like 3 weeks since we did this. Way too long for my liking. But that's an issue for another day. Later, amigo.
D: PS: thanks for picking up my Airheads quote. Well done.
P: peace, dick. "wrong dickhead. trick question. lemmy is god."
D: I’M GONNA STAB THEIR HEADS OFF! With what? WITH MY DICK!
*obligatory footnote
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Super Hottie Cheerleader Extravaganza
Dick: Today we take Pralines and Dick blog in a different direction. We will branch out to reach a wider audience by talking about, you guessed it, women in sports. So, Pralines, start us off. Who has the hottest cheerleaders/dance team?
Pralines: On the national level, my vote goes for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. This primarily comes from their "exposure" through their reality TV show about that most important of life's questions: Just how does one become a professional cheerleader!? I thoroughly enjoy the skimpy workout attire but am brought back down to earth when I see the chicks doing the selection as they were once cheerleaders themselves, but now look like tanned and weathered pieces of leather.
D: I still haven't seen an episode of that Dallas Idol nonsense, or whatever the hell they call it. Personally, I think those nice southern ladies are overrated. "Dick, what position are you in to call these gorgeous professional cheerleaders overrated?" The answer is that I don't know, but I think it has something to do with my co-ownership of this blog. So suck on that, Dallas.
D: Anyway, because the Colts play them regularly, and the CBS cameramen know what I like, I've seen plenty of both the Chargers and Jaguars cheerleaders...and wow. Beautiful women + warm weather = skimpy outfits + sexual arousal. Woops. Still though. They get the job done.
P: I'm going to be a homer in a big way here and pull some hometown hotties from my bag of sexy. The dance troupe of the United States Hockey League Indiana Ice, the aptly-named Hardee's Chill Girls, are smokin' hot for a couple of very key points. 1) They all are between the ages of like 18-26. B) They don't wear traditional cheerleader uniforms, but instead usually go with the tight-ass jeans and a midriff-baring Ice top. III) They don't really care about coming up with intricate routines and decide to go straight for the man's crotch with the same gyrating and dippin' low manoeuvers seen in any number of rap videos. Potato) Since they are younger and probably at the bottom of the professional cheerleading echelon, they seem "gettable," a severely underrated attribute amongst other pro cheermongers.
D: I have to admit, I haven't been to an Ice game since they were the farm club for the Blackhawks way back in the day. I really like the gettability factor though. Great point. I wish I could say the cheerleaders here at my alma mater are in that same field, but I would be lying. (Not in the gettability sense, they are just dog ugly). We have a fat dance team, a weird Asian cheerleader who looks like the alien/octopus baby Will Smith delivers in Men In Black, and a bunch of loser dudes trying to get with all of them. Not what I like to see in my cheerleaders.*
P: I'm going to take this opportunity to combine your "dog ugly" and "loser dudes" comments to segue into a big Praliney Props (patent pending) to the all-male, all-overweight dance team for the Florida Marlins, the even more aptly-named Manatees. Being fat, drunk, at the ballpark and wanting to dance are things I can certainly relate to. I think this works well because of the sport (traditional cheerleaders and baseball don't mix, like supermodels and solid food), and the location. Nobody goes to see pro baseball in Florida, so the Manatees can totally get away with their sweet-ass moves in a nearly empty Dolphin Stadium (yes, the Marlins play in an NFL stadium. I know, I've heard).
D: There's just no way I can top that, so I will simply transition this bad boy into our next topic, which is one very close to my heart: hottest female sportscasters. I still maintain that I will marry Rachel Nichols some day, hopefully sooner than later. Erin Andrews has attained near-goddess status. Stacey Dales has kind of a weird voice, but is still hot. Colleen Dominguez might be the hottest middle-aged Latina woman on TV. Jill Arrington and Gillian Barberie deserve mention too. I just love it. I. Just. Love. It.
P: Rachel Nichols is a solid choice by combining looks with the apparent sports knowledge that some female sportscasters might be lacking. I love the clips of her in the ring with Kimbo Slice during an "E:60" piece. My first thoughts were, "Get that silverback gorilla away from my Rachel!" Erin Andrews is so hawt, but comes off as one of the sideline ladies that are there for eye candy and not for their knowledge of the game. But that's ok with me if it's ok with you. Can we petition to get Cheryl Miller and Shelley Smith off the air?
D: Cheryl Miller...yikes. It is a really bad sign if I'm more attracted to Reggie than his sister. Gross. I have this ongoing joke with my roommates that female ESPN employees serve as high class hookers for the athletes they interview. It would make sense though, right? If you are a professional athlete and Erin Andrews is coming to interview you, you're going to do all you can to bed her. Am I wrong? No. No I am not. Anyway, the joke is that these guys get all excited when they hear they are being interviewed by ESPN, then Shelley Smith or Holly Rowe shows up, and you can actually hear their penises crying. Ouch.
P: Also, I'd like to give some recognizzle (gangster for recognition) to ladies of the First Take crew on ESPN. Sage Steele gets an obligatory head nod mainly based on her name. I mean come on. She looks good, don't get me wrong. But Sage fucking Steele? Sounds like Iron Man's live-in girlfriend. And for some reason I've always had a soft spot for Dana Jacobson. She has some glaring personality flaws, like being absolutely enamored with both Michigan and Matt Leinart. Yikes.
D: Dana Jacobsen has a filthy whorish mouth off camera, which is pretty badass and definitely a turn on. However, I refuse to watch First Take because Skip Bayless makes me hate my own ability to see and hear and think. Am I missing much else?
D: Sage Steele. Oh yes. Sage Steele is a softcore porn name, if nothing else. My only familiarity with her is when she pops in on the Sportscenter "Right Now" spots. But what I see, I like.
P: On a sidenote: What's the over/under on Michele Tafoya actually being a man? 1 Y chromosome?
D: Michele has a deep voice and weird sideburns, but she isn't the worst. I have been dreading this moment all night, but the time has come. These two words are so nightmarish that they cause grown men to cry, adolescent men to swear to celibacy, and female sports fans to stare in disbelief. The two words: Pam Ward. If Michele Tafoya has 1 y-chromosome, Pam Ward has 122. The sheer thought of Pam Ward made my penis go inside me like a turtle in its shell. She reduces my sex drive to that of a used q-tip. Simply stunning. In a bad way.
P: Well, as they say in the porn industry, my wad's shot. Shall we call it a blog then?
D: Yep. I'm good with it. 100%.**
D: Until next time, Pralines.
P: Have a restful and peaceful evening, Dick.
*This is a good place for a “You know what I do like in my cheerleaders? Me. Hayoh!” line. So there it is.
**Watch the Friday Night Lights movie, and hear this line.
Pralines: On the national level, my vote goes for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. This primarily comes from their "exposure" through their reality TV show about that most important of life's questions: Just how does one become a professional cheerleader!? I thoroughly enjoy the skimpy workout attire but am brought back down to earth when I see the chicks doing the selection as they were once cheerleaders themselves, but now look like tanned and weathered pieces of leather.
D: I still haven't seen an episode of that Dallas Idol nonsense, or whatever the hell they call it. Personally, I think those nice southern ladies are overrated. "Dick, what position are you in to call these gorgeous professional cheerleaders overrated?" The answer is that I don't know, but I think it has something to do with my co-ownership of this blog. So suck on that, Dallas.
D: Anyway, because the Colts play them regularly, and the CBS cameramen know what I like, I've seen plenty of both the Chargers and Jaguars cheerleaders...and wow. Beautiful women + warm weather = skimpy outfits + sexual arousal. Woops. Still though. They get the job done.
P: I'm going to be a homer in a big way here and pull some hometown hotties from my bag of sexy. The dance troupe of the United States Hockey League Indiana Ice, the aptly-named Hardee's Chill Girls, are smokin' hot for a couple of very key points. 1) They all are between the ages of like 18-26. B) They don't wear traditional cheerleader uniforms, but instead usually go with the tight-ass jeans and a midriff-baring Ice top. III) They don't really care about coming up with intricate routines and decide to go straight for the man's crotch with the same gyrating and dippin' low manoeuvers seen in any number of rap videos. Potato) Since they are younger and probably at the bottom of the professional cheerleading echelon, they seem "gettable," a severely underrated attribute amongst other pro cheermongers.
D: I have to admit, I haven't been to an Ice game since they were the farm club for the Blackhawks way back in the day. I really like the gettability factor though. Great point. I wish I could say the cheerleaders here at my alma mater are in that same field, but I would be lying. (Not in the gettability sense, they are just dog ugly). We have a fat dance team, a weird Asian cheerleader who looks like the alien/octopus baby Will Smith delivers in Men In Black, and a bunch of loser dudes trying to get with all of them. Not what I like to see in my cheerleaders.*
P: I'm going to take this opportunity to combine your "dog ugly" and "loser dudes" comments to segue into a big Praliney Props (patent pending) to the all-male, all-overweight dance team for the Florida Marlins, the even more aptly-named Manatees. Being fat, drunk, at the ballpark and wanting to dance are things I can certainly relate to. I think this works well because of the sport (traditional cheerleaders and baseball don't mix, like supermodels and solid food), and the location. Nobody goes to see pro baseball in Florida, so the Manatees can totally get away with their sweet-ass moves in a nearly empty Dolphin Stadium (yes, the Marlins play in an NFL stadium. I know, I've heard).
D: There's just no way I can top that, so I will simply transition this bad boy into our next topic, which is one very close to my heart: hottest female sportscasters. I still maintain that I will marry Rachel Nichols some day, hopefully sooner than later. Erin Andrews has attained near-goddess status. Stacey Dales has kind of a weird voice, but is still hot. Colleen Dominguez might be the hottest middle-aged Latina woman on TV. Jill Arrington and Gillian Barberie deserve mention too. I just love it. I. Just. Love. It.
P: Rachel Nichols is a solid choice by combining looks with the apparent sports knowledge that some female sportscasters might be lacking. I love the clips of her in the ring with Kimbo Slice during an "E:60" piece. My first thoughts were, "Get that silverback gorilla away from my Rachel!" Erin Andrews is so hawt, but comes off as one of the sideline ladies that are there for eye candy and not for their knowledge of the game. But that's ok with me if it's ok with you. Can we petition to get Cheryl Miller and Shelley Smith off the air?
D: Cheryl Miller...yikes. It is a really bad sign if I'm more attracted to Reggie than his sister. Gross. I have this ongoing joke with my roommates that female ESPN employees serve as high class hookers for the athletes they interview. It would make sense though, right? If you are a professional athlete and Erin Andrews is coming to interview you, you're going to do all you can to bed her. Am I wrong? No. No I am not. Anyway, the joke is that these guys get all excited when they hear they are being interviewed by ESPN, then Shelley Smith or Holly Rowe shows up, and you can actually hear their penises crying. Ouch.
P: Also, I'd like to give some recognizzle (gangster for recognition) to ladies of the First Take crew on ESPN. Sage Steele gets an obligatory head nod mainly based on her name. I mean come on. She looks good, don't get me wrong. But Sage fucking Steele? Sounds like Iron Man's live-in girlfriend. And for some reason I've always had a soft spot for Dana Jacobson. She has some glaring personality flaws, like being absolutely enamored with both Michigan and Matt Leinart. Yikes.
D: Dana Jacobsen has a filthy whorish mouth off camera, which is pretty badass and definitely a turn on. However, I refuse to watch First Take because Skip Bayless makes me hate my own ability to see and hear and think. Am I missing much else?
D: Sage Steele. Oh yes. Sage Steele is a softcore porn name, if nothing else. My only familiarity with her is when she pops in on the Sportscenter "Right Now" spots. But what I see, I like.
P: On a sidenote: What's the over/under on Michele Tafoya actually being a man? 1 Y chromosome?
D: Michele has a deep voice and weird sideburns, but she isn't the worst. I have been dreading this moment all night, but the time has come. These two words are so nightmarish that they cause grown men to cry, adolescent men to swear to celibacy, and female sports fans to stare in disbelief. The two words: Pam Ward. If Michele Tafoya has 1 y-chromosome, Pam Ward has 122. The sheer thought of Pam Ward made my penis go inside me like a turtle in its shell. She reduces my sex drive to that of a used q-tip. Simply stunning. In a bad way.
P: Well, as they say in the porn industry, my wad's shot. Shall we call it a blog then?
D: Yep. I'm good with it. 100%.**
D: Until next time, Pralines.
P: Have a restful and peaceful evening, Dick.
*This is a good place for a “You know what I do like in my cheerleaders? Me. Hayoh!” line. So there it is.
**Watch the Friday Night Lights movie, and hear this line.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Back By Nobody's Demand
Dick: So here we go again. The topic at hand tonight is best coach in any sport. Of course I will stay in true Dick form and mostly talk about football coaches. Don't like it? Stop reading. I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that. Please don't stop reading.
D: Anyway, my vote for best coach has to go to Bill Parcells first of all. The man does not mince words, he does not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, and he wins games in large volumes. The proof is in the pudding, and it is hard to argue with the pudding.
D: Big Tuna Pudding, now available at WalMart!
Pralines: Big tuna pudding sounds disgusting but it is true that Parcells rules the roost in active coaches/team presidents in the NFL. Historically there's
Lombardi but right now it's all about Billy Tuna.
D: Honestly, in a historical context, my vote is for the late Bill Walsh, hands down. He completely reinvented the modern game, and his fingerprints are on practically every team's offense across the league. It is only referred to now as the "West Coast Offense," but that's malarkey. It is the Bill Walsh offense. The man was a genius, and he was also the greatest coach in the history of football. So there that is.
D: Now I'm going to venture into the great unknown and talk about other sports. I will take a stand and not cast my votes for Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich. They are good coaches, sure, but a rollerskating cockatoo could lead teams with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman, or Tim Duncan, David Robinson, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili to at least one title.
D: I think Larry Brown has proven his mettle for rebuilding lots of downtrodden teams into contenders, and he has done it with less stellar rosters. However, I will give you a deadpan Dick dark horse pick (patent pending), and say Jerry Sloan. He has never won a title, and he did work with Karl Malone and Jon Stockton, but come on. He makes the playoffs every year, he never gets any credit, and now he has turned Deron Williams into a star. Take that, readers' expectations.
P: Indeed. I like Jackson most in that group. Mostly because his nickname is the Zen Master and the way he deals with players (through the media) is genius and always works even if it sounds stupid at the time. Pat "Riles" Riley is also a nice choice, along with Larry Brown, who won both in the college ranks and in the pros if I'm not mistaken. No easy feat.
D: In baseball, Joe Torre gets the nod. Baseball usually puts me to sleep, but I know Joe Torre is a good manager...Moving on, since I know about as much about hockey as a 7 year old kid knows about mechanical engineering, I will go with Barry Melrose. He has a mullet, he's from Canada, and he's on ESPN. Those credentials need no sugarcoating.
P: Torre is a good choice. All those years in N.Y. dealing with fucking Stein-blamer and still ALWAYS making the post-season is amazing. And he did it the best way, with his quiet leadership and demanding the respect of his overpaid little biatches. Bobby Cox should also get thrown in there not only because I'm a Braves fan (Hot'lanta) but because he wins no matter the personnel. He makes all of his rosters work well even with young unknown players (see: Yunel Escobar).
D: I would have given some cred to Pat Riley, but he lost all respect from me when he bailed on this season. He completely gave up after D-Wade got hurt, not that you can necessarily blame him. Nonetheless, he was the head coach, not the director of college scouting. He needed to be on the bench, not in the stands at Pauley Pavilion or somewhere of the type.
D: And Bobby Cox is a great manager. That run of dominance they had over the NL East...wow. That probably won't happen again. Plus he gets kicked out all the time. Gotta love a guy that consistently gets off work early but still gets great production from his underlings.
P: I'm just waiting for the trade for Greg Maddux to happen and get the old band back together. Plus, Leo Mazzone (pitching coach) should come back because it looks so nice to see him rocking away in the dugout next to old ass Cox.
D: Collegiately, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski, if for no other reason than turning "Krzyzewski" into "Shachefski." Duke is also a pretty good program I guess. Pat Summit has this coaching thing down Pat. She has reached the Summit of the coaching profession, even after starting off as a Volunteer.
D: As far as college football coaches go, I could talk all night. Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll…The definition of "consistency" appears in the dictionary accompanied by pictures of those 4 men.
P: No one can touch Petey (Pablo) Carroll right now as far as I'm concerned. I like Ohio State and Tressel and the sweater vest and the respect it garners. Also, I'm excited for the introduction of Rich Rodriguez into The Big House. Maybe if he's successful all the Big 10 haters can now be easily be brushed off.
D: Rodriguez is widely acknowledged as one of the fathers of the spread/zone read option offense. Since I much prefer the run to the pass (understatement of the year...), I am always more excited to see the spread option than the spread passing attack, a la Mike Leach and Texas Tech. I think Rodriguez will get Michigan going with the spread option and be very successful, but it won't be easy at first. I wouldn't be surprised (or upset. O-H!) if the Wolverines only won 4 games this year. Seriously.
D: Now more about Mike Leach. As far as personalities go, he is probably the coolest guy to hear/read about after JoePa. Leach loves pirates, I love pirates. Leach is smart, I tell everyone I meet that I am smart. Leach didn't get into coaching until after he graduated college, I didn't get into coaching until my junior year of college. My only knock against him is that he is too pass happy. As a former lineman, I just want to see teams grind it out on the ground and run the ball. The Red Raiders aren't exactly known for that. He did take that program to unprecedented heights, though, and you have to laud him for that.
P: I must admit I am not that familiar with Mr. Leach, but Joe Pa is a personal hero of mine after that incident last year with the guy he yelled at in a fit of old man road rage. I believe he was talking senior citizen smack to a female driver and the male passenger said, "That's my wife," to which Papa Paterno replied, "That's your problem." Freakin' hilarious.
D: That one incident pretty much sums up JoePa. It just doesn't get any better than that. The man is a living legend. He is an icon. Probably most important is that he is fully committed to keeping the "student" in "student-athlete." He has had some disciplinary problems the last few years, but Christ, he's 80 years old. Grandpa can't be expected to be Daddy too. That's just not gonna happen.
P: And didn't he make his team last season clean up their home stadium after some sort of egregiuos incident? I mean that old school punishment is what I'm all about. After working as a bailiff for a year, I'm convinced the justice system is broken and completely bogged down by useless paperwork (which I have to fill out). Kenton Keith's case is in my courtroom and after reading the police report I am convinced that all cops (at least the ones in Marion County in Indiana) will try anything to arrest anybody anytime. He was originally charged with 5 different counts, 4 of which ended up being "not filed" and all he ended up being charged with is public intoxication, a B misdemeanor. And from what I could glean from the probable cause is that he wasn't causing a scene, which usually leads to public intox arrests.
D: In the words of Anthony Tony Joseph Peter Kornheiser Reali, "Now that's some inside information!" Well played, Pralines. Well played.
P: If public intox just meant being drunk in public, my ass would be a dead man walking a la Sean Penn at this point.
D: Haha, yeah. And jail crowding is bad enough as it is. I have to admit though, that when I heard of Keith's arrest, I wanted him gone. The Colts have no room for criminals and douche bags. Um…MARVIN IS INNOCENT.
D: And speaking of douche bags, Bill Belichick is a total douche. Put it this way: if the Grand Canyon were a vagina, Belicheat would be the right size douche to clean that baby out. I do have to admit that I am dead tired of hearing about spygate though. He got punished already, Matt Walsh didn't have anything new to report, and Congress has better things to do than screw around with the Patriots.
P: I agree that Congress has better things to deal with than the Patriots’ taping habits. They cheated, they got punished (pretty severely) and end game. Plus I think losing the Super Bowl to Eli and the Giant-ettes is punishment enough. Go for that patent on 18-1, assholes. On a sidenote, Archie Manning's sperm is of a super nature. Bottle that shit up and put it on ice, baby. All praise Archie's super sperm!
D: Tom Coughlin is mostly a douche bag in his own right, but he was far outweighed by the collective doucheness of the entire New England franchise. That Super Bowl might have been one of the most liberating experiences of my life...just behind losing my virginity and just ahead of getting my first car.
P: My first car was an '84 Dodge Rampage, which if you're not familiar is a cheap 80's ripoff of an El Camino. I paid straight cash for that thing and it didn't have power anything (windows, locks, steering, etc.) but it did have a non-necessary hood scoop and a fatty exhaust pipe. I miss that vehicular, but now I've got the White Shadow, which isn't too big of a downgrade.
D: Oh I remember the Ramblin' Rampage. My first car was an '89 Dodge Omni. It looked like a red turtle with wheels, and was aptly named "the turtle." It squeaked like a turkey and shook when I drove faster than 45, but I loved that machine. My '95 Grand Am now isn't horrible, but it pales in comparison to my first. The Turtle > The Red Bomb. No doubt.
P: One time, my friends PICKED UP the Rampage and moved it to another parking spot during high school. Also, it had a bed so during the winter it would fill up with snow and you could totally throw 6-packs of beer...soda in there.
D: Anything you'd like to keep cold...
P: Richard: I need your John Hancock on this.
D: Tommy Boy: John Hancock...It's HERBIE Hancock.
D: What do you think, P to the ralines, shall we put our Herbie Hancock on this installment? It is Friday night, after all.
P: Yeah, I think we've gotten far enough off topic to call it a day's work. Plus I wanna take this time to apoligize after I crashed out on what I think was Tuesday night when I suggested we do this blog in the first place.
D: Dude, apologies are for the weak.* I got into a Dynasty on NCAA Football ‘08 with my roommates this past week anyway, so I haven't had much time for anything else. Besides, we still met our quota for this week. I'm satisfied.
P: Very true. Last minute is still in time in Pralines' book.
D: I don't hear any fat ladies singing...mostly because we don't allow fat ladies in our home. But even if we did, she wouldn't be singing. She knows her place. I bid you adieu, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Mmkay, my fair Dick. Will you take the responsibility again of transferring our ramblings into a blog post form?
D: I've been copying into a word document all along. I learned from last time. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on...?
P: That's why we're such successful grads of B.G.H.S. Pride of the Hive, baby.
D: One last thing: Harvey is gone after this year...what will happen to the Hornet's nest without the queen bee roaming the halls, saying "Gentlemen" without actually making eye contact with anyone, yammering on about Renaissance this and honor roll that. It just won't be the same.
P: I agree. Although he certainly lost points after he shaved his facial hair. I mean come on. He was a shop teacher after all.
P: He totally ought to look like Grizzly Adams.
D: That thing was fierce. He looked like the Governor of Montana.
…
Readers at large: “What the hell? Is that how they ended this thing? The Governor of Montana? They suck. And what the fuck kind of name is pralines and dick? That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. How thoroughly disappointing.”
*See: women and children
D: Anyway, my vote for best coach has to go to Bill Parcells first of all. The man does not mince words, he does not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, and he wins games in large volumes. The proof is in the pudding, and it is hard to argue with the pudding.
D: Big Tuna Pudding, now available at WalMart!
Pralines: Big tuna pudding sounds disgusting but it is true that Parcells rules the roost in active coaches/team presidents in the NFL. Historically there's
Lombardi but right now it's all about Billy Tuna.
D: Honestly, in a historical context, my vote is for the late Bill Walsh, hands down. He completely reinvented the modern game, and his fingerprints are on practically every team's offense across the league. It is only referred to now as the "West Coast Offense," but that's malarkey. It is the Bill Walsh offense. The man was a genius, and he was also the greatest coach in the history of football. So there that is.
D: Now I'm going to venture into the great unknown and talk about other sports. I will take a stand and not cast my votes for Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich. They are good coaches, sure, but a rollerskating cockatoo could lead teams with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman, or Tim Duncan, David Robinson, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili to at least one title.
D: I think Larry Brown has proven his mettle for rebuilding lots of downtrodden teams into contenders, and he has done it with less stellar rosters. However, I will give you a deadpan Dick dark horse pick (patent pending), and say Jerry Sloan. He has never won a title, and he did work with Karl Malone and Jon Stockton, but come on. He makes the playoffs every year, he never gets any credit, and now he has turned Deron Williams into a star. Take that, readers' expectations.
P: Indeed. I like Jackson most in that group. Mostly because his nickname is the Zen Master and the way he deals with players (through the media) is genius and always works even if it sounds stupid at the time. Pat "Riles" Riley is also a nice choice, along with Larry Brown, who won both in the college ranks and in the pros if I'm not mistaken. No easy feat.
D: In baseball, Joe Torre gets the nod. Baseball usually puts me to sleep, but I know Joe Torre is a good manager...Moving on, since I know about as much about hockey as a 7 year old kid knows about mechanical engineering, I will go with Barry Melrose. He has a mullet, he's from Canada, and he's on ESPN. Those credentials need no sugarcoating.
P: Torre is a good choice. All those years in N.Y. dealing with fucking Stein-blamer and still ALWAYS making the post-season is amazing. And he did it the best way, with his quiet leadership and demanding the respect of his overpaid little biatches. Bobby Cox should also get thrown in there not only because I'm a Braves fan (Hot'lanta) but because he wins no matter the personnel. He makes all of his rosters work well even with young unknown players (see: Yunel Escobar).
D: I would have given some cred to Pat Riley, but he lost all respect from me when he bailed on this season. He completely gave up after D-Wade got hurt, not that you can necessarily blame him. Nonetheless, he was the head coach, not the director of college scouting. He needed to be on the bench, not in the stands at Pauley Pavilion or somewhere of the type.
D: And Bobby Cox is a great manager. That run of dominance they had over the NL East...wow. That probably won't happen again. Plus he gets kicked out all the time. Gotta love a guy that consistently gets off work early but still gets great production from his underlings.
P: I'm just waiting for the trade for Greg Maddux to happen and get the old band back together. Plus, Leo Mazzone (pitching coach) should come back because it looks so nice to see him rocking away in the dugout next to old ass Cox.
D: Collegiately, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski, if for no other reason than turning "Krzyzewski" into "Shachefski." Duke is also a pretty good program I guess. Pat Summit has this coaching thing down Pat. She has reached the Summit of the coaching profession, even after starting off as a Volunteer.
D: As far as college football coaches go, I could talk all night. Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll…The definition of "consistency" appears in the dictionary accompanied by pictures of those 4 men.
P: No one can touch Petey (Pablo) Carroll right now as far as I'm concerned. I like Ohio State and Tressel and the sweater vest and the respect it garners. Also, I'm excited for the introduction of Rich Rodriguez into The Big House. Maybe if he's successful all the Big 10 haters can now be easily be brushed off.
D: Rodriguez is widely acknowledged as one of the fathers of the spread/zone read option offense. Since I much prefer the run to the pass (understatement of the year...), I am always more excited to see the spread option than the spread passing attack, a la Mike Leach and Texas Tech. I think Rodriguez will get Michigan going with the spread option and be very successful, but it won't be easy at first. I wouldn't be surprised (or upset. O-H!) if the Wolverines only won 4 games this year. Seriously.
D: Now more about Mike Leach. As far as personalities go, he is probably the coolest guy to hear/read about after JoePa. Leach loves pirates, I love pirates. Leach is smart, I tell everyone I meet that I am smart. Leach didn't get into coaching until after he graduated college, I didn't get into coaching until my junior year of college. My only knock against him is that he is too pass happy. As a former lineman, I just want to see teams grind it out on the ground and run the ball. The Red Raiders aren't exactly known for that. He did take that program to unprecedented heights, though, and you have to laud him for that.
P: I must admit I am not that familiar with Mr. Leach, but Joe Pa is a personal hero of mine after that incident last year with the guy he yelled at in a fit of old man road rage. I believe he was talking senior citizen smack to a female driver and the male passenger said, "That's my wife," to which Papa Paterno replied, "That's your problem." Freakin' hilarious.
D: That one incident pretty much sums up JoePa. It just doesn't get any better than that. The man is a living legend. He is an icon. Probably most important is that he is fully committed to keeping the "student" in "student-athlete." He has had some disciplinary problems the last few years, but Christ, he's 80 years old. Grandpa can't be expected to be Daddy too. That's just not gonna happen.
P: And didn't he make his team last season clean up their home stadium after some sort of egregiuos incident? I mean that old school punishment is what I'm all about. After working as a bailiff for a year, I'm convinced the justice system is broken and completely bogged down by useless paperwork (which I have to fill out). Kenton Keith's case is in my courtroom and after reading the police report I am convinced that all cops (at least the ones in Marion County in Indiana) will try anything to arrest anybody anytime. He was originally charged with 5 different counts, 4 of which ended up being "not filed" and all he ended up being charged with is public intoxication, a B misdemeanor. And from what I could glean from the probable cause is that he wasn't causing a scene, which usually leads to public intox arrests.
D: In the words of Anthony Tony Joseph Peter Kornheiser Reali, "Now that's some inside information!" Well played, Pralines. Well played.
P: If public intox just meant being drunk in public, my ass would be a dead man walking a la Sean Penn at this point.
D: Haha, yeah. And jail crowding is bad enough as it is. I have to admit though, that when I heard of Keith's arrest, I wanted him gone. The Colts have no room for criminals and douche bags. Um…MARVIN IS INNOCENT.
D: And speaking of douche bags, Bill Belichick is a total douche. Put it this way: if the Grand Canyon were a vagina, Belicheat would be the right size douche to clean that baby out. I do have to admit that I am dead tired of hearing about spygate though. He got punished already, Matt Walsh didn't have anything new to report, and Congress has better things to do than screw around with the Patriots.
P: I agree that Congress has better things to deal with than the Patriots’ taping habits. They cheated, they got punished (pretty severely) and end game. Plus I think losing the Super Bowl to Eli and the Giant-ettes is punishment enough. Go for that patent on 18-1, assholes. On a sidenote, Archie Manning's sperm is of a super nature. Bottle that shit up and put it on ice, baby. All praise Archie's super sperm!
D: Tom Coughlin is mostly a douche bag in his own right, but he was far outweighed by the collective doucheness of the entire New England franchise. That Super Bowl might have been one of the most liberating experiences of my life...just behind losing my virginity and just ahead of getting my first car.
P: My first car was an '84 Dodge Rampage, which if you're not familiar is a cheap 80's ripoff of an El Camino. I paid straight cash for that thing and it didn't have power anything (windows, locks, steering, etc.) but it did have a non-necessary hood scoop and a fatty exhaust pipe. I miss that vehicular, but now I've got the White Shadow, which isn't too big of a downgrade.
D: Oh I remember the Ramblin' Rampage. My first car was an '89 Dodge Omni. It looked like a red turtle with wheels, and was aptly named "the turtle." It squeaked like a turkey and shook when I drove faster than 45, but I loved that machine. My '95 Grand Am now isn't horrible, but it pales in comparison to my first. The Turtle > The Red Bomb. No doubt.
P: One time, my friends PICKED UP the Rampage and moved it to another parking spot during high school. Also, it had a bed so during the winter it would fill up with snow and you could totally throw 6-packs of beer...soda in there.
D: Anything you'd like to keep cold...
P: Richard: I need your John Hancock on this.
D: Tommy Boy: John Hancock...It's HERBIE Hancock.
D: What do you think, P to the ralines, shall we put our Herbie Hancock on this installment? It is Friday night, after all.
P: Yeah, I think we've gotten far enough off topic to call it a day's work. Plus I wanna take this time to apoligize after I crashed out on what I think was Tuesday night when I suggested we do this blog in the first place.
D: Dude, apologies are for the weak.* I got into a Dynasty on NCAA Football ‘08 with my roommates this past week anyway, so I haven't had much time for anything else. Besides, we still met our quota for this week. I'm satisfied.
P: Very true. Last minute is still in time in Pralines' book.
D: I don't hear any fat ladies singing...mostly because we don't allow fat ladies in our home. But even if we did, she wouldn't be singing. She knows her place. I bid you adieu, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Mmkay, my fair Dick. Will you take the responsibility again of transferring our ramblings into a blog post form?
D: I've been copying into a word document all along. I learned from last time. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on...?
P: That's why we're such successful grads of B.G.H.S. Pride of the Hive, baby.
D: One last thing: Harvey is gone after this year...what will happen to the Hornet's nest without the queen bee roaming the halls, saying "Gentlemen" without actually making eye contact with anyone, yammering on about Renaissance this and honor roll that. It just won't be the same.
P: I agree. Although he certainly lost points after he shaved his facial hair. I mean come on. He was a shop teacher after all.
P: He totally ought to look like Grizzly Adams.
D: That thing was fierce. He looked like the Governor of Montana.
…
Readers at large: “What the hell? Is that how they ended this thing? The Governor of Montana? They suck. And what the fuck kind of name is pralines and dick? That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. How thoroughly disappointing.”
*See: women and children
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