I Think It Was An Asian Gang Or Something*

Dick: Well it's that time when everybody is patriotic. No, not the 4th of July. Olympics time. Michael Phelps has rewritten the record books, which probably makes the pages all soggy and stuff, depending on how long he waits after he leaves the pool. According to Sportscenter commercials, he doesn't seem to wait long before he hops right into other business. And why would Sportscenter commercials lie or exaggerate?
Pralines: Yeah he must be super busy and all, having to re-adapt to dry land everytime he's out of the water. It's amazing that he was blessed with what appears to be both lungs and gills. I'm not sure if this is natural selection a la the X-men or a genetics experiment gone terribly right a la, well....Michael Phelps. He's a scaly man-fish. Behold, Fish Boy!
D: Yeah before his last race Saturday night, they talked about his body shape and dimensions. In case you weren't aware, Pralines...or readers, good ole Dick doesn't believe in a higher power or fate or destiny or anything like that, but it is like Phelps was "designed" to swim. He has shortish, powerful legs and long, wiry arms. His feet are huge and his metabolism is almost unearthly. The dude is unstoppable. And speaking of unstoppable dudes, Team USA basketball is finally looking like Team USA basketball again. Hope you enjoyed your run at the top, Lithuania, Argentina, and Whereverelsea. We're back. Thanks for keeping our seats warm.
P: Team USA has been killing. Now comes the agrument as to whether the difference the past few years has been coaching or the lack of a Mr. Kobe Bryant on the floor. I'm inclined to lean towards coaching on this one. Not only from Coach K, but also from assistant Mike "The 'Stache" D'antoni. His knowledge of the international game, pasta and gelato has clearly helped this team whoop up on all comers. I love Coach K and feel like it's his leadership that has helped this team gel as opposed to just being a team of superstars with not a clue how to play and win together. Plus, it doesn't hurt when you've got guys like Dwayne Wade and LeBron James really giving their all on defense. King James has been an absolute beast with the blocked shots.
D: When the roster was announced, I was a little apprehensive about the lack of pure big guys. After Dwight "I'm Just Plain Better Than You" Howard, the next best thing to a post player was Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer. Those two can post up from time to time, but they aren't real centers. Clearly, my fears were unfounded. Who needs a bunch of bangers inside when our unparalleled athletes like Dwayne Wade are shooting 90% from the field and dropping 18 PPG...from the bench. Hoowah.
P: Let's keep the U.S. and A lovefest rolling with a little women's beach volleyball. Gods of Mt. Olympus be praised! The unstoppable duo of Misti May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh have been dominating the #1 watched sport in these and any Olympics by straight men everywhere. (Ranking provided by Pralines' common sense). Is there any sense in the men's beach volleyball though? It's like a couple frat bros. in backwards hats/visors being coached up by their fat, drunk rush chairman Darrell.
D: Oh yeah. Those ladies are a shining example of taking care of business and looking fantastic in the process. I was actually watching traditional volleyball (in which the US team is doing very well also) last week when I decided that my new life goal is to get a female olympian pregnant. I played sports for the majority of my life, but I have a complete and utter lack of any athletic ability. Wanting to spare my kids of that shame and embarrassment, I decided the only feasible solution is to knock up one of the best athletes in the world. I don't care what sport, because our female olympic team is loaded across the board. Volleyball, beach volleyball, gymnastics, swimming and diving, softball, track and field. The list goes on and on. The major snag I foresee is that I will probably have to get her a little drunk before she agrees to my indecent proposal, and if she is in training there is no way she will be drinking. Catch 22, I suppose.
P: Plus I'm going to have to call you on the women's gymnastics team. You'll probably have to wait at least a few years before trying to give one of them a roofie colada. Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor and Furnishing Alcohol to a Minor are Class B and C Misdemeanors respectively. I wouldn't count out women's water polo just yet either my friend, as they are a shining example of the ever-widening most important trait in females from my standpoint: gettability.
D: You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that in our great state of Indiana (I suddenly feel so dirty), the age of consent is 16 years and 9 months. That puts me in the clear on our gymnasts. I am so sad that I know that...
P: True, and I was only speaking to the boozing up of the athletes that would commence pre-copulation. And of course the traditional post-coital cigarette. Also, might I recommend a smack on the ass and a "good game" just to make them feel more comfortable.
D: Oh, well I might not have to make the younger ones drink anyway. I could just send them a nice MySpace message or something. Alright, that's enough of my disgusting pedophile scheme for tonight. Any more of this, and I might have to hire a lawyer. Gymnastics is one of those events that bothers me though. I refuse to call it a sport because it is not determined by sheer competition. Any time a judge awards the winner based on completion of a routine, my competitive spirit burns inside of me and turns me into a ranting d-bag. More so than usual, anyway.
P: Speaking of borderline pedophilia, what do you make of the Chinese team allegedly using 14 year olds to compete? Whether it's true or not, it's just another shot the Chinese government has taken during the course of these games.
D: One would think that if a certain country were to have every media outlet in the world visiting said country for a fortnight, said country would do all within its power to brush things under the rug, hide skeletons in the closet, and make up better lies than what China has done thus far. One would think, but I guess Wan doesn't think. Ahh, racist jokes.
P: I'm honestly more miffed about the opening ceremony switcheroo they pulled than about pre-pubescent gymnasts. The little girl, a 9 year old, who sang during the opening ceremonies was lip-syncing to a 7 year olds performance of the song. The 7 year old was deemed not cute enough by Chinese officials so the plan was hatched. I've seen pictures side by side of the two girls, and while the one that went all Milli Vanilli on the world's biggest stage is certainly more camera friendly, the girl with the actual discernible talent isn't a freak of nature, but instead a regular looking kid. Apparently regular doesn't cut it for Beijing. The girl who really sang but was snubbed the credit said she didn't mind, but I believe that just as much as I believe that the Chinese government was standing by ready to saw off her, or anyone's, arms that badmouthed their host country's handling of these games.
D: It irked me that they foretold of all the media censoring they would enforce before the games even began. I hate censorship, but wouldn't you know it's like crack to them. What's the worst thing that could happen if the media were given free reign? Oh, they would probably expose all the injustices and cover-ups being performed by the Chinese officials during these games. Smart thinking, "People's Republic."
P: And it's not like the rest of the world isn't aware of the bullshit that going on over there. China just doesn't want to air out its dirty laundry on worldwide TV. While I understand this, I also firmly believe that there is more to laundry than just clean and dirty. There are many subtle levels. Like the shorts I'm wearing now, they've been worn before today without being washed, but they're certainly not dirty. Just set these outside on the patio perhaps for 20 minutes, and they're perfectly fine.
D: I got a new cable and internet package for my house through AT&T, as we had previously used Comcast, and our HD movie channel aired Ghostbusters 2 this past weekend. I knew right then that we had made the right decision.
P: From Venkman hosting the shitty public access paranormal show to the bumpin' late '80's rap soundtrack, Ghostbusters 2 rules in every sense of the word.
D: It blows the original totally out of the water, and just to clarify: I think the original is awesome. The sequel is just as good as movies get.
P: Very true. "Didn't you ever have a Slinky?" "I had part of a Slinky, but I straightened it."
D: Louis boarding the bus, driven by Slimer: "OK, but I didn't know you had your license."
P: "I don't know why you guys hired me to take on your case. I got my law degree at night school." "Well that's great, Louis, we were arrested at night."
D: "My guys are still under a judicial estrangement order--that blue thing I got from her. They could be exposing themselves." "And you don't want us exposing ourselves!"
P: "Do you live alone?" "I used to have a roommate, but my mother moved to Florida."
D: It's late, we really should put this blog down.**
P: Yeah, before we quote the entire movie. Good times as always, Dick.
D: Let's try the Scooby Doo ending.
P: Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out. But now, let's just see who you really are.
D: Old man Whithers from the haunted amusement park!
P: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you snooping kids.
D: Rood one, Shaggy.
P: Alright. Excellent Scooby Doo ending, everyone.
D: All in all, I'd say that's probably the best ice-cream-flavored sports blog coverage of the 2008 Olympic games you're ever gonna see.
P: Yes. And I absolutely love how yet another of our blogs has devolved from a comical, yet serious discussion of sports into quoting whatever we feel like until we are satisfied.
D: Best. Job. Ever.
P: Now we just need to parlay this into some kid of paying gig and we're set for life.
D: How will we know when this blog is over? Will they just turn the lights out on us or what?
P: …
D: I can't believe they did that.





*"Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something...There was this guy, he looked Asian...and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was...Asian."***
**"You’re short, your belly button sticks out too far, and you’re a terrible burden on your poor mother."
***The Games are being held in Asia, so...

The Year of the (Charlie) Horse

Dick: As they say, "There's no time like the present." And I know you Pralines and Dick fans; if you don't get a new blog post every week, you get all antsy in your pantsy. I think I remember hearing something about a quarterback from Green Bay maybe...something like that. Oh well, my memory seems vague. I do recall, though, that I hit poor Adam Tafralis with the deadpan Dick dark horse pick, but instead it was the dreaded Dick lips kiss of death. Not even a week after I proclaimed him as the man to push Jim Sorgi for the backup job, he was waived and replaced by Quinn Gray and the Hefty Lefty, the Round Mound of Touchdown, the Battleship, #13-in-your-programs -#1-in-your-hearts, Jared Lorenzen. Uhh...woops.
Pralines: At least Quinn Gray had a nice outing in the Hall of Fame Game against Washington. I wasn't quite sure I understood Dungy's method of only leaving Sorrowful Sorgi out there for like 1 series. I'm sure it can't be because he feels comfortable with him running the offense. His stats were ok, but he failed to stick it in while they were deep in enemy territory (insert sex joke here). I am convinced though that Mr. Anthony "The Dome" Gonzalez will have a breakout season. What do I have to base that assertion upon? The power vested in me by the United States of Pralines and Dick, that's what.
D: I think Dungy was just trying to avoid having Sorgi (who looks surprisingly like Michael Cera) get hurt and being left with only the nubile ones to run the show. I agree that Gray looked good. I was really impressed and am now hopeful that HE supplants Superbad Evan. Sorry if I just cursed you too, my friend. Any love for Gonzo is good by my count, but I have to say that I was most pleased with 3 of our rookies in particular. Mike Hart, Pierre Garcon, and Marcus Howard looked good. I mean really good. Most people dislike preseason games because they are meaningless and boring, but I relish them because it gives me a chance to watch all my old dog-eared players from college. And if you're a football nerd like me, that's just plain gravy.
P: I was also happy to see Mike "Bob New" Hart perform well Sunday night. I must admit now I was out at a bar watching the game and by the time Hart was getting alot of his minutes, I was busy with $4 pitchers of Coors Light and don't remember anything specific about Mike's work. I think he'll be most valuable to Peyton's Place (anyone else liking the old school sitcom references?) split out as a receiver and running screens and short passing routes.
D: I don't have his receiving numbers and total stats available, but I do know that he went for 53 yards on 4 carries. Some would say that that's pretty good. He ran the stretch to perfection, just like he used to do at that school to the North. He set up his blocks and showed magnanimous patience and vision. Oh, he ran a 4.72 40 at the combine? Yeah who gives a flying hairy fuck. The kid can play. As much as I like him, and I do, I just wish he went to college somewhere else.
P: Well, the world's a twisted place. Moving on to some of the more familiar faces in Naptown, I'm a little bit concernicus about our injuries going into this year. I mean Peyton, Marvin Harrison, Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders all sat out Sunday night. I know Dungy's said Marvin's on schedule and Peyton is likely to get some snaps in the 4th preseason game, but I'm worried Freeney might come back a tad slower than he previously was. And I'm constantly on the lookout for Bob to seriously injure someone on every play, whether it be another player or himself. The man's a tatted-up heat-seeking missile with dreadlocks.
D: But goddamn can he play. He's a beast. And I refuse to listen to anything Dungy says. Trying to interpret one of his milquetoast speeches is like reading into the future through tea leaves. My patience is growing quite thin with him. I'm not so sure that if we had had another coach here during Dungy's tenure, maybe a Parcells or Cowher type, we wouldn’t have won more than the 1 Super Bowl. I think he's a good man and a charismatic leader, but I just think he's too soft and...bland to be called a really great coach.
D: To answer your point though, I am also worried about our injury situation. When healthy, we are one of the top 2 (or 1) teams in the NFL. When we are injured, we drop to the middle of the pack pretty quickly. We have star players in key positions and role players everywhere else. When we try to put role players in those key positions, we tank like lead balloons. Here's to hoping that Indy has some damn fine doctors. Hey, anything's possible.
P: As much as I like Dungy just based on how much of a nice guy he is, I think I am ready to see a new coach put in place. Polian, Irsay and Dungy have all backed Jim Caldwell as Tony's replacement, but I'm not sold on that idea just because I think a team with veteran guys that know how to win need a coach with the same characteristics. I don't want to kill Caldwell's reign before it begins, and I trust our ownership and management more than myself on any given day, but honestly, it's like they're not even trying on this one.
D: I agree completely. You can see the cyclical pattern in NFL coaching circles, and after a team rids itself of a players' coach, a la Dungy, that team hires a disciplinarian. They don't hire a disciple of the previous coach. No change in philosophy is good for a while, but after too long, no change in philosophy leads only to complacency. And in the NFL, complacency kills.*
P: Quite right, my friend. We need someone who can shake things up a bit. It'll be good for everyone. I think we should make a serious move for Bill Cowher. He's got a great resumé, and his name's been out of the available coaches spotlight for a while now. It's just the thing we need to fuck shit up for everybody else.
D: And if we can't win, we might as well fuck shit up. Yeah we should fucking start a riot. A riot. Man, I love Tenacious D. Speaking of which, I think "rebuilding" the team in a defensive mindset would only do good things for the franchise. Maybe becoming a 3-4 team or at least a more aggressive 4-3 team... That's not to say that our current system is ineffective, as we finished #1 in scoring and #3 in yardage last year defensively, but I wonder how much of that was scheme, and how much of that was Bobby bullet Sanders.
P: Hiring The Chin will have the people in the streets tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin windows of small businesses. The Colts are good, but we need to be great again. We need the excitement that comes with being supreme badasses, not just a "finesse" team (whatever the hell that means).
D: And I don't think we are a finesse team, because our title run was fueled by a powerful running game and a stifling defense. I just think we need someone who can light a fire under the guys' asses. When was the last time Tony Dungy inspired someone by yelling and gyrating and slapping helmets? The answer is never. He tries to inspire his team by preaching consistency and "doing what we do." Granted, he's had some success with it, but I still feel like there's something missing. If someone tries to tell me that a fiery and emotional coach would not have had more success with this roster than Dungy has, I will call that someone a liar and a fool.
P: I mean, that's how I'm planning on coaching under your wing once you make it big. There will be no inspirational speeches about higher powers. It will be all screaming and cursing and talks of beatdowns and hitting people so hard their families feel it.
D: Since we’re on the topic, I have decided to make you quality control coach…mostly just to find out what a quality control coach does. I see it on every coaching roster, but it simply befuddles me because I still don’t know what it could entail. “Alright, I think it would be better for our team if you didn’t lose yardage on that play. Can ya just go ahead and gain yardage every time? Mmk. Thanks.” Quality. Controlled.
P: I agree. I'm not so much an X's and O's guy. I'm a motivator in the true sense of the word. "I want you to hustle on every play, guys. Not because you might get your dick sucked after the game, but so you can catch the defense off guard. Wait, what was that about blowjobs again? Yeah, 'cause I vote we keep them blowjobs."
P: "How's the quality, Coach Williams?"
P: "It's a shit fuckin' sandwich, Coach Pierson."
D: Ahh, blowjob motivation. That's probably the most effective kind of motivation. I'd do pretty much anything if I knew there was a wet sloppy BJ at the end of the line for me. Run for 300 yards? Sure, for a hummer. Make 10 tackles? For some road head, you got it. With that, my friend and counterpart, we have discovered the key to winning football games. Whores and blowjobs. Done and done.
P: It's the simplest of motivations that goes straight to the very core of modern athletics. And dudes everywhere.
D: There's no real way to top the blowjob speech. Shall we call it a blog then?
P: We shall. Enjoyable as always, my friend.
D: I love this job.
P: It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it. Unnecessary homage to Dirty Work: "I haven't seen this many dead hookers in all my life!" "Lord knows I have."
D: "And there's the Saigon whore that bit my nose off!"
P: Farewell, Dick.
D: Adios, Pralinoes.





*We just haven't had one of these in a while, so "What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?"