I Think It Was An Asian Gang Or Something*

Dick: Well it's that time when everybody is patriotic. No, not the 4th of July. Olympics time. Michael Phelps has rewritten the record books, which probably makes the pages all soggy and stuff, depending on how long he waits after he leaves the pool. According to Sportscenter commercials, he doesn't seem to wait long before he hops right into other business. And why would Sportscenter commercials lie or exaggerate?
Pralines: Yeah he must be super busy and all, having to re-adapt to dry land everytime he's out of the water. It's amazing that he was blessed with what appears to be both lungs and gills. I'm not sure if this is natural selection a la the X-men or a genetics experiment gone terribly right a la, well....Michael Phelps. He's a scaly man-fish. Behold, Fish Boy!
D: Yeah before his last race Saturday night, they talked about his body shape and dimensions. In case you weren't aware, Pralines...or readers, good ole Dick doesn't believe in a higher power or fate or destiny or anything like that, but it is like Phelps was "designed" to swim. He has shortish, powerful legs and long, wiry arms. His feet are huge and his metabolism is almost unearthly. The dude is unstoppable. And speaking of unstoppable dudes, Team USA basketball is finally looking like Team USA basketball again. Hope you enjoyed your run at the top, Lithuania, Argentina, and Whereverelsea. We're back. Thanks for keeping our seats warm.
P: Team USA has been killing. Now comes the agrument as to whether the difference the past few years has been coaching or the lack of a Mr. Kobe Bryant on the floor. I'm inclined to lean towards coaching on this one. Not only from Coach K, but also from assistant Mike "The 'Stache" D'antoni. His knowledge of the international game, pasta and gelato has clearly helped this team whoop up on all comers. I love Coach K and feel like it's his leadership that has helped this team gel as opposed to just being a team of superstars with not a clue how to play and win together. Plus, it doesn't hurt when you've got guys like Dwayne Wade and LeBron James really giving their all on defense. King James has been an absolute beast with the blocked shots.
D: When the roster was announced, I was a little apprehensive about the lack of pure big guys. After Dwight "I'm Just Plain Better Than You" Howard, the next best thing to a post player was Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer. Those two can post up from time to time, but they aren't real centers. Clearly, my fears were unfounded. Who needs a bunch of bangers inside when our unparalleled athletes like Dwayne Wade are shooting 90% from the field and dropping 18 PPG...from the bench. Hoowah.
P: Let's keep the U.S. and A lovefest rolling with a little women's beach volleyball. Gods of Mt. Olympus be praised! The unstoppable duo of Misti May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh have been dominating the #1 watched sport in these and any Olympics by straight men everywhere. (Ranking provided by Pralines' common sense). Is there any sense in the men's beach volleyball though? It's like a couple frat bros. in backwards hats/visors being coached up by their fat, drunk rush chairman Darrell.
D: Oh yeah. Those ladies are a shining example of taking care of business and looking fantastic in the process. I was actually watching traditional volleyball (in which the US team is doing very well also) last week when I decided that my new life goal is to get a female olympian pregnant. I played sports for the majority of my life, but I have a complete and utter lack of any athletic ability. Wanting to spare my kids of that shame and embarrassment, I decided the only feasible solution is to knock up one of the best athletes in the world. I don't care what sport, because our female olympic team is loaded across the board. Volleyball, beach volleyball, gymnastics, swimming and diving, softball, track and field. The list goes on and on. The major snag I foresee is that I will probably have to get her a little drunk before she agrees to my indecent proposal, and if she is in training there is no way she will be drinking. Catch 22, I suppose.
P: Plus I'm going to have to call you on the women's gymnastics team. You'll probably have to wait at least a few years before trying to give one of them a roofie colada. Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor and Furnishing Alcohol to a Minor are Class B and C Misdemeanors respectively. I wouldn't count out women's water polo just yet either my friend, as they are a shining example of the ever-widening most important trait in females from my standpoint: gettability.
D: You can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that in our great state of Indiana (I suddenly feel so dirty), the age of consent is 16 years and 9 months. That puts me in the clear on our gymnasts. I am so sad that I know that...
P: True, and I was only speaking to the boozing up of the athletes that would commence pre-copulation. And of course the traditional post-coital cigarette. Also, might I recommend a smack on the ass and a "good game" just to make them feel more comfortable.
D: Oh, well I might not have to make the younger ones drink anyway. I could just send them a nice MySpace message or something. Alright, that's enough of my disgusting pedophile scheme for tonight. Any more of this, and I might have to hire a lawyer. Gymnastics is one of those events that bothers me though. I refuse to call it a sport because it is not determined by sheer competition. Any time a judge awards the winner based on completion of a routine, my competitive spirit burns inside of me and turns me into a ranting d-bag. More so than usual, anyway.
P: Speaking of borderline pedophilia, what do you make of the Chinese team allegedly using 14 year olds to compete? Whether it's true or not, it's just another shot the Chinese government has taken during the course of these games.
D: One would think that if a certain country were to have every media outlet in the world visiting said country for a fortnight, said country would do all within its power to brush things under the rug, hide skeletons in the closet, and make up better lies than what China has done thus far. One would think, but I guess Wan doesn't think. Ahh, racist jokes.
P: I'm honestly more miffed about the opening ceremony switcheroo they pulled than about pre-pubescent gymnasts. The little girl, a 9 year old, who sang during the opening ceremonies was lip-syncing to a 7 year olds performance of the song. The 7 year old was deemed not cute enough by Chinese officials so the plan was hatched. I've seen pictures side by side of the two girls, and while the one that went all Milli Vanilli on the world's biggest stage is certainly more camera friendly, the girl with the actual discernible talent isn't a freak of nature, but instead a regular looking kid. Apparently regular doesn't cut it for Beijing. The girl who really sang but was snubbed the credit said she didn't mind, but I believe that just as much as I believe that the Chinese government was standing by ready to saw off her, or anyone's, arms that badmouthed their host country's handling of these games.
D: It irked me that they foretold of all the media censoring they would enforce before the games even began. I hate censorship, but wouldn't you know it's like crack to them. What's the worst thing that could happen if the media were given free reign? Oh, they would probably expose all the injustices and cover-ups being performed by the Chinese officials during these games. Smart thinking, "People's Republic."
P: And it's not like the rest of the world isn't aware of the bullshit that going on over there. China just doesn't want to air out its dirty laundry on worldwide TV. While I understand this, I also firmly believe that there is more to laundry than just clean and dirty. There are many subtle levels. Like the shorts I'm wearing now, they've been worn before today without being washed, but they're certainly not dirty. Just set these outside on the patio perhaps for 20 minutes, and they're perfectly fine.
D: I got a new cable and internet package for my house through AT&T, as we had previously used Comcast, and our HD movie channel aired Ghostbusters 2 this past weekend. I knew right then that we had made the right decision.
P: From Venkman hosting the shitty public access paranormal show to the bumpin' late '80's rap soundtrack, Ghostbusters 2 rules in every sense of the word.
D: It blows the original totally out of the water, and just to clarify: I think the original is awesome. The sequel is just as good as movies get.
P: Very true. "Didn't you ever have a Slinky?" "I had part of a Slinky, but I straightened it."
D: Louis boarding the bus, driven by Slimer: "OK, but I didn't know you had your license."
P: "I don't know why you guys hired me to take on your case. I got my law degree at night school." "Well that's great, Louis, we were arrested at night."
D: "My guys are still under a judicial estrangement order--that blue thing I got from her. They could be exposing themselves." "And you don't want us exposing ourselves!"
P: "Do you live alone?" "I used to have a roommate, but my mother moved to Florida."
D: It's late, we really should put this blog down.**
P: Yeah, before we quote the entire movie. Good times as always, Dick.
D: Let's try the Scooby Doo ending.
P: Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out. But now, let's just see who you really are.
D: Old man Whithers from the haunted amusement park!
P: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you snooping kids.
D: Rood one, Shaggy.
P: Alright. Excellent Scooby Doo ending, everyone.
D: All in all, I'd say that's probably the best ice-cream-flavored sports blog coverage of the 2008 Olympic games you're ever gonna see.
P: Yes. And I absolutely love how yet another of our blogs has devolved from a comical, yet serious discussion of sports into quoting whatever we feel like until we are satisfied.
D: Best. Job. Ever.
P: Now we just need to parlay this into some kid of paying gig and we're set for life.
D: How will we know when this blog is over? Will they just turn the lights out on us or what?
P: …
D: I can't believe they did that.





*"Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something...There was this guy, he looked Asian...and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was...Asian."***
**"You’re short, your belly button sticks out too far, and you’re a terrible burden on your poor mother."
***The Games are being held in Asia, so...