The Year of the (Charlie) Horse

Dick: As they say, "There's no time like the present." And I know you Pralines and Dick fans; if you don't get a new blog post every week, you get all antsy in your pantsy. I think I remember hearing something about a quarterback from Green Bay maybe...something like that. Oh well, my memory seems vague. I do recall, though, that I hit poor Adam Tafralis with the deadpan Dick dark horse pick, but instead it was the dreaded Dick lips kiss of death. Not even a week after I proclaimed him as the man to push Jim Sorgi for the backup job, he was waived and replaced by Quinn Gray and the Hefty Lefty, the Round Mound of Touchdown, the Battleship, #13-in-your-programs -#1-in-your-hearts, Jared Lorenzen. Uhh...woops.
Pralines: At least Quinn Gray had a nice outing in the Hall of Fame Game against Washington. I wasn't quite sure I understood Dungy's method of only leaving Sorrowful Sorgi out there for like 1 series. I'm sure it can't be because he feels comfortable with him running the offense. His stats were ok, but he failed to stick it in while they were deep in enemy territory (insert sex joke here). I am convinced though that Mr. Anthony "The Dome" Gonzalez will have a breakout season. What do I have to base that assertion upon? The power vested in me by the United States of Pralines and Dick, that's what.
D: I think Dungy was just trying to avoid having Sorgi (who looks surprisingly like Michael Cera) get hurt and being left with only the nubile ones to run the show. I agree that Gray looked good. I was really impressed and am now hopeful that HE supplants Superbad Evan. Sorry if I just cursed you too, my friend. Any love for Gonzo is good by my count, but I have to say that I was most pleased with 3 of our rookies in particular. Mike Hart, Pierre Garcon, and Marcus Howard looked good. I mean really good. Most people dislike preseason games because they are meaningless and boring, but I relish them because it gives me a chance to watch all my old dog-eared players from college. And if you're a football nerd like me, that's just plain gravy.
P: I was also happy to see Mike "Bob New" Hart perform well Sunday night. I must admit now I was out at a bar watching the game and by the time Hart was getting alot of his minutes, I was busy with $4 pitchers of Coors Light and don't remember anything specific about Mike's work. I think he'll be most valuable to Peyton's Place (anyone else liking the old school sitcom references?) split out as a receiver and running screens and short passing routes.
D: I don't have his receiving numbers and total stats available, but I do know that he went for 53 yards on 4 carries. Some would say that that's pretty good. He ran the stretch to perfection, just like he used to do at that school to the North. He set up his blocks and showed magnanimous patience and vision. Oh, he ran a 4.72 40 at the combine? Yeah who gives a flying hairy fuck. The kid can play. As much as I like him, and I do, I just wish he went to college somewhere else.
P: Well, the world's a twisted place. Moving on to some of the more familiar faces in Naptown, I'm a little bit concernicus about our injuries going into this year. I mean Peyton, Marvin Harrison, Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders all sat out Sunday night. I know Dungy's said Marvin's on schedule and Peyton is likely to get some snaps in the 4th preseason game, but I'm worried Freeney might come back a tad slower than he previously was. And I'm constantly on the lookout for Bob to seriously injure someone on every play, whether it be another player or himself. The man's a tatted-up heat-seeking missile with dreadlocks.
D: But goddamn can he play. He's a beast. And I refuse to listen to anything Dungy says. Trying to interpret one of his milquetoast speeches is like reading into the future through tea leaves. My patience is growing quite thin with him. I'm not so sure that if we had had another coach here during Dungy's tenure, maybe a Parcells or Cowher type, we wouldn’t have won more than the 1 Super Bowl. I think he's a good man and a charismatic leader, but I just think he's too soft and...bland to be called a really great coach.
D: To answer your point though, I am also worried about our injury situation. When healthy, we are one of the top 2 (or 1) teams in the NFL. When we are injured, we drop to the middle of the pack pretty quickly. We have star players in key positions and role players everywhere else. When we try to put role players in those key positions, we tank like lead balloons. Here's to hoping that Indy has some damn fine doctors. Hey, anything's possible.
P: As much as I like Dungy just based on how much of a nice guy he is, I think I am ready to see a new coach put in place. Polian, Irsay and Dungy have all backed Jim Caldwell as Tony's replacement, but I'm not sold on that idea just because I think a team with veteran guys that know how to win need a coach with the same characteristics. I don't want to kill Caldwell's reign before it begins, and I trust our ownership and management more than myself on any given day, but honestly, it's like they're not even trying on this one.
D: I agree completely. You can see the cyclical pattern in NFL coaching circles, and after a team rids itself of a players' coach, a la Dungy, that team hires a disciplinarian. They don't hire a disciple of the previous coach. No change in philosophy is good for a while, but after too long, no change in philosophy leads only to complacency. And in the NFL, complacency kills.*
P: Quite right, my friend. We need someone who can shake things up a bit. It'll be good for everyone. I think we should make a serious move for Bill Cowher. He's got a great resumé, and his name's been out of the available coaches spotlight for a while now. It's just the thing we need to fuck shit up for everybody else.
D: And if we can't win, we might as well fuck shit up. Yeah we should fucking start a riot. A riot. Man, I love Tenacious D. Speaking of which, I think "rebuilding" the team in a defensive mindset would only do good things for the franchise. Maybe becoming a 3-4 team or at least a more aggressive 4-3 team... That's not to say that our current system is ineffective, as we finished #1 in scoring and #3 in yardage last year defensively, but I wonder how much of that was scheme, and how much of that was Bobby bullet Sanders.
P: Hiring The Chin will have the people in the streets tippin' over shit and breakin' fuckin windows of small businesses. The Colts are good, but we need to be great again. We need the excitement that comes with being supreme badasses, not just a "finesse" team (whatever the hell that means).
D: And I don't think we are a finesse team, because our title run was fueled by a powerful running game and a stifling defense. I just think we need someone who can light a fire under the guys' asses. When was the last time Tony Dungy inspired someone by yelling and gyrating and slapping helmets? The answer is never. He tries to inspire his team by preaching consistency and "doing what we do." Granted, he's had some success with it, but I still feel like there's something missing. If someone tries to tell me that a fiery and emotional coach would not have had more success with this roster than Dungy has, I will call that someone a liar and a fool.
P: I mean, that's how I'm planning on coaching under your wing once you make it big. There will be no inspirational speeches about higher powers. It will be all screaming and cursing and talks of beatdowns and hitting people so hard their families feel it.
D: Since we’re on the topic, I have decided to make you quality control coach…mostly just to find out what a quality control coach does. I see it on every coaching roster, but it simply befuddles me because I still don’t know what it could entail. “Alright, I think it would be better for our team if you didn’t lose yardage on that play. Can ya just go ahead and gain yardage every time? Mmk. Thanks.” Quality. Controlled.
P: I agree. I'm not so much an X's and O's guy. I'm a motivator in the true sense of the word. "I want you to hustle on every play, guys. Not because you might get your dick sucked after the game, but so you can catch the defense off guard. Wait, what was that about blowjobs again? Yeah, 'cause I vote we keep them blowjobs."
P: "How's the quality, Coach Williams?"
P: "It's a shit fuckin' sandwich, Coach Pierson."
D: Ahh, blowjob motivation. That's probably the most effective kind of motivation. I'd do pretty much anything if I knew there was a wet sloppy BJ at the end of the line for me. Run for 300 yards? Sure, for a hummer. Make 10 tackles? For some road head, you got it. With that, my friend and counterpart, we have discovered the key to winning football games. Whores and blowjobs. Done and done.
P: It's the simplest of motivations that goes straight to the very core of modern athletics. And dudes everywhere.
D: There's no real way to top the blowjob speech. Shall we call it a blog then?
P: We shall. Enjoyable as always, my friend.
D: I love this job.
P: It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it. Unnecessary homage to Dirty Work: "I haven't seen this many dead hookers in all my life!" "Lord knows I have."
D: "And there's the Saigon whore that bit my nose off!"
P: Farewell, Dick.
D: Adios, Pralinoes.





*We just haven't had one of these in a while, so "What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?"