Charlie Weis is so fat, he sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out.

Dick: You know that scene in Ghostbusters 2 when Janine answers the phone and says, "Ghostbusters. Yes, we're back."? (I know you put the question mark inside the quotations, but I think this serves as an exception). Anyway, this is our "yes, we're back" moment.
Pralines: It's been a long layoff, but we're not dead like the XFL. We're back and better (sorta) than ever, like American Gladiators. Now I want to welcome our fans back with our discussion on college football coaches we love, hate and can readily poke fun at from a safe distance. I'll start the bidding with a Charlie Weis and raise you an overpaid, in-over-his-head walking planetarium who can't beat a worthwhile team to save his job. Now offer him a 76 oz. steak and he'll run up the score like it's his cholesterol.
D: Jabba the Coach was handed a 10-year extension after his first year on the job. You know, the one in which he won a good amount of games with players recruited by the scourge of the Fighting Irish, Tyrone Willingham? Yeah, Mr. Willingham was shown the door after three years on the job, with an eerily similar career record to the one Weis is sporting now. Well now that Irish fans are looking down their noses once more at Tyrone because of his recent dismissal from Washington, they also seem to be turning a blind eye to the big man upstairs running their program into the ground. And I'm not talking about Touchdown Jesus either. Of course, if Weis' office isn't upstairs, then this little joke of mine tanks like a lead balloon.
P: His office is going to be at the local Golden Corral, which is where you can find him drowning his sorrows in a buffet of red meat covered with soft serve. He did a nice job as you said with someone else's guys, and then fell off shortly after losing those talented upper classmen. Well, he's had time to recruit his people and so far, no good. If Notre Dame doesn't make a change, they're going to look terribly hypocritical in the eyes of the nation, and the Lord, God, Arthur Fonzarelli. Fonzie be praised!
D: Weis shouldn't be immune to the scrutiny that was poured onto his predecessors, Bob Davie and the aforementioned Willingham. They enjoyed early success, struggled a bit, and then updated their resumes after a few short years. Weis isn't the only coach on the hot seat though. Phillip Fulmer couldn't keep his critics down any longer. The Volunteers thought 17 years at the helm was long enough for the big, although smaller than Weis, guy. He won his last game against Kentucky and finished his last season at a measly 5-7. Why everyone hated him so much, I'll never know. I mean, last year he won 10 games and captured the SEC East. Last freakin year. Oh well. It's not my call.
P: Yeah, some schools just really don't know what they've got til it's gone. Now they've hired Lane Kiffin as the heir apparent to Fulmer's throne of used motor oil cans, or whatever the hell people from Tennessee make thrones out of. He might be a sexy hire, and I guess he technically has experience as an NFL head coach, albeit with the Oakland "Black Hole" Raiders, but the SEC is possibly tougher than the AFC West. Actually this season, I'm pretty much certain it is. Why not go after Mad Mike Leach?
D: What I've heard is that a bunch of Tennessee recruits were jumping ship after the news of Fulmer's resignation/firing, and they needed to act fast. Leach was in the middle of an awesomely heated Big XII South race, and he still has a bowl game to go. I think Leach would be a great fit at Tennessee, but I don't think Kiffin was a bad hire either. What he needs to do is begin damage control as quickly as possible, keep the recruits on board by selling his NFL ties, and turn Tennessee into USC East by utilizing the tricks he learned from Pete Carroll, the recruiting guru.
P: Yeah I certainly don't want to knock Kiffin before his career at Tennessee begins and I think he has a better than average chance of being a good coach there, but I love me some Mike Leach. Maybe because he looks and acts almost nothing like a football coach at a major program, except for the whole winning thing. Honestly, he closely resembles a bowling coach I once had in middle school. The jowls, the sullen eyes, the slightly feathered hair...did I mention my bowling coach was a chick? Yikes.
D: Haha. I love Leach and all that he has done. The pirate infatuation, the history buffness, the obvious intelligence, the quirky sense of humor, it's all good. I also love and appreciate that he didn't play college football. Neither did Paul Johnson, who looks like a damn genius after toppling the mighty Jaow-gia Bulldawgs, thereby ending their seven-game winning streak against the in-state rival. Two coaches, neither played college football, neither run conventional offenses, and both win games in large quantities. Boom.
P: To quote a master songwriter, of this or any generation: "Bitch, I'm the bomb like tick, tick." The Georgia Tech win over the Dawgs was very impressive for the reasons you mentioned above. Also it allows us to segue nicely from Lil Wayne to underdog teams. It wouldn't be a Pralines and Dick blog without some home state bias, so how 'bout them...Cardinals? They're still undefeated with the MAC championship game awaiting if my sources are correct, and they always are because my sources are in my head. Sir?
D: Gotta love those mighty fighting Cardinals. They are, after all, the fiercest robin-sized birds on the planet. This MAC championship game is a huge trap game for us. Buffalo has wily young coach who enjoyed a lot of playing success at Nebraska, so he knows how to win games. I'm not too concerned, but it is something to be aware of. As far as bowl games go, I don't think we should go BCS-ing just because Utah has a longer track record, as does Boise State. A bowl victory and a 14-0 record (at the end of the season, of course) is a wonderful feat, and should not be taken lightly. A few more years of continued success, and the BCS will come. I just hope Brady Hoke doesn't leave for greener pastures (but I'm pretty sure he will). So long, Nate Davis. So long, Brady Hoke. So long, undefeated seasons. You were fun while you lasted.
P: I fear you're right. The Ball State story was a nice one this season, but I don't see more of the same in the immediate future for your Cards. So my advice to you is party it up while you can with a really good football team at your school, which I'm sure you've been doing already, or my name isn't Pralines.
D: I sure have been. I was a split second away from getting shown on ESPN2. They showed my roommates, and I was the last guy on the line. Right when the camera got to me, it faded back out to the game. Apparently a grown man wearing a monkey suit with a red and white wig and a polka dot tie with a sign that says 'HAVEN'T BEATEN ANYBODY? WE'VE BEATEN EVERYBODY' "isn't marketable." And apparently that same grown man "scares small children" and "has a weight problem" and "gets deodorant cakes in his armpits." What a world we live in.
P: Don't forget "Wipe properly." I hazily remember atttending a Halloween party in which you wore said monkey suit. To say that party was a moderate success would be on par with saying The Dark Knight made a little money at the box office. Donkey Kong, I salute you.
D: It was that same suit, just with some BSU additions. And I appreciate the party props. We will probably have a letter jacket party sometime soon, which is exactly what it sounds like. You are, of course, invited...whenever it happens. Until then, let's blog on. Let's hold a PTI-style oddsmakers showdown. First up, what are the odds Charlie Weis keeps his job after this season?
P: I won't be shocked if he's out as head coach of the Fightin' Man Boobs before next season, but I think Notre Dame will give him at least the start of another shot, so I'm gonna go with a 40% chance he's out after the season.
D: 40% sounds good, but I think I'll go with a 51%. It seems like a push, but you just can't push around here. I think he should receive the same treatment as the last two in his position. For some reason, though, those Golden Domers love that fat bastard. Maybe it's the Super Bowl rings. Maybe they're afraid he will eat South Bend like Godzilla. Who knows? Next up, what are the odds that Lane Kiffin goes .500 or better next year, his first on the job?
P: I'm going to base this number not on what I think Kiffin can accomplish as coach, but on just who Tennessee has on the field, of which I really know nothing. Kiffin will do a good job in his first year, but I'm not seeing anything remarkable like a Nick Saban and his Tampon Warriors, er, Crimson Tide, have done this season. Still I'm going to go pretty high here and say 80% the Vols are at least .500 under Monte's boy.
D: You know what? I'll go higher. I have been a Tennessee fan for years, but I don't think my bias is weighing in here. On second thought, my bias is absolutely weighing in here. Anyway, I say there's a 100% chance that the Vols break .500 next year. It may only be 7-5, but that works for the purposes of our game. My optimism is based not on the ability to score under Kiffin's new offensive scheme, but most assuredly based on the defensive talent they return. Eric Berry is one of the best players in the country, regardless of age or position. Bringing in Lane's poppa Monte as defensive coordinator, as is the rumor, will exploit his talents and set the rest of the SEC on fire.
…some time goes by…*
D: You still around?
P: Sorry. I got distracted by something shiny.
D: Oh its cool, man. Do we have any more material or are we flaccid?
P: I think we leave 'em wanting more. We really went full circle, focused, devolving into nothingness and back to focus, with measurable numbers even.
D: So there it is. Expert opinions from the most amateur experts money can buy. Maybe we should look into getting paid for this. I mean, it takes work...but we can get into that on another day. That's all for now, you beautiful babies. Thanks for welcoming us back into your retinas. We love ya.
P: I'd like to dedicate this blog to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today. Cameron Frye, this one's for you.





*It could have been a drug-induced coma, a drunken blackout, or maybe a few minutes. The world can never know.