Dick: In case you've forgotten, we are in the business of sports blogs, and business has been slow of late. Hey, it's a lagging economy. What are you gonna do? But we have ample topics to cover tonight, and we need not waste anymore time getting this show on the road, as they say. Pralines, welcome back to the show, and what do you have for us on the subject of Brett Favre tormenting the life of Aaron Rodgers?
Pralines: Why the snow covered, sausage horking, ice fishing, cheese mongering citizens of Green Bay, Wisconsin haven't elected Brett Favre as their Mayor is beyond me. He's a green and yellow clad god up there in the frozen tundra. So if Brett wants to stay and QB another season or two longer for the Cheeseheads, that's fine by me. Aaron Rodgers seems like a nice enough guy and has been seen sporting a wicked awesome mustache in the past, but come on, it's Brett freakin' Favre. Grab a clipboard and fix yourself a bowl of Chunky's Soup. This career might take a while.
D: Alas, it didn't take long for our first official disagreement. Now I'm not going to try to debate the credentials of Aaron Rodgers vs. those of Brett Favre. It would be as futile as convincing you to drink ram's piss instead of beer. Not gonna happen. I will say, though, that it was Favre's decision to call it a career, regardless of any pressure he may have been feeling from the Packers organization. They probably did nudge him out the door, as their current actions would indicate, but he still had the final call. He had 2 years left on his contract, and they would have...I hate to say "begrudgingly," but begrudgingly let him play out his contract. He made the call, and they adapted and reacted. It is still a business, after all.
P: The Packers have every right to kick Brett Favre out on his Wrangler-clad keister and I understand why they might want to, but now since they've found themselves in this set of circumstances, they should probably live with Favre for another season. Plus anyone remotely involved can't wipe their ass without Chris Mortensen (Boo! You suck!) breaking into SportsCenter with a "new development in the Brett Favre saga." I'm sorry ESPN, but things like Star Wars and The Godfather are sagas. Brett Favre having a midlife crisis chock full of menstrual cycle-like indecision while a podunk town layered in ice and shame hangs in the balance isn't.
D: Well I just had a quarter-of-the-way-through-life crisis, as my Facebook inverted to some weird cryptic formation. Because I also know how to read links and tabs, that crisis has been averted. If only the Packers were able to quell crises so quickly and calmly, the people of Green Bay could get back to their cows in peace. Now as for the real victim in all of this, I can't help but empathize for Aaron Rodgers. He is probably the only professional athlete for whom I actually feel sorry. Think back to the 2005 Draft. All the talk was that Alex Smith and he were 1 and 1a in the QB/overall player pool. It was said that if he wasn't drafted first overall, he wouldn't squeak out of the top 10. No way. Woops. He sat there in the greenroom for hours and hours until the Pack scooped him up at 25. He watched his first contract diminish in value by the millions. He saw his chance for early playing time slipping away because there was no way legendary #4 would get benched in favor of the young gun.
D: Shortly after the draft, he was asked about Favre skipping mini-camp to be with his wife, Deanna, as she battled breast cancer. Rodgers jokingly called the gunslinger "lazy," and the media circus took off. He was dragged through the mud for making a harmless joke. If the national media even heard half the things I say, I would be a bigger pariah than Don Imus and Barack Obama's former reverend, combined. And now the stars align, Rodgers thinks he is inheriting the reins to a 13-3 team loaded with young talent and a pesky defense. Then what happens? His predecessor decides he's not ready to go yet, like a drunk staggering back into the bar. So GM Ted Thompson and coach Mike McCarthy have to play bouncer and insist that drunken Favre would be better off going home and sleeping it off. Tough breaks, young man. Tough breaks indeed.
P: I raise my Keystone Light (I smell a sponsorship) to you, Aaron Rodgers.
P: I wish stars can bow out gracefully at their peak or while they're still near the top and quietly continue their lives outside of sports (see: Barry Sanders).
D: I would love to see Brett Favre play another year or two like the one he just had, but not for another franchise. Never for another franchise. Jon Unitas, Dan Fouts, and Joe Montana all finished their careers at locations other than the ones where they earned their stripes. Dan Marino had it right, and he's doing ok for himself. Why not let the man who just passed #13 in all the record books follow in his footsteps one last time? Before he is elected czar of Wisconsin, that is.
P: Speaking of veteran superstars bowing out in Miami, Jason Taylor was traded to the Redskins for 2 future picks, a 2nd rounder and a 6th rounder. Should he have stayed in Miami? Maybe not. But should he have gone to Washington? Eh...I'm not so sure. I don't blame Washington (for once) for this personnel move as they had some injuries to their defensive ends in camp and made the best move they could.
D: This was kind of a no-win situation for both Taylor and the Fins. He was their best player by far (my pseudo-apologies to Ronnie Brown), but Bill Parcells really didn't want him there. It is hard to question Parcells' methods, just as it is hard to question the productivity and leadership Taylor provides. Miami is rebuilding in the mold of the current Dallas Cowboys, and Taylor was a relic from the old regime. Basically, he didn't want to be there, and they didn't want him there. Washington finally stopped making ridiculous free agent moves for overrated players and made a pretty reasonable sacrifice for a guy who can add a solid pass rush for the next few years, or however long he wants to keep playing.
D: Another reasonable trade with a lot of upside is Jeremy Shockey to the Saints for a 2nd and a 5th rounder. The Super Bowl champs get to remove a negative presence from their locker room, and the Shocker is reunited with his old offensive coordinator, who did some impressive things with the big guy earlier in his career. New Orleans is a pretty easy team to read. In order to click offensively, they need a balanced running attack (that includes both Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush), explosive receivers, and a solid tight end. Now they have that.
P: I just hope Shockey keeps his psycho caveman persona I've come to know and love that he perfected with the G-Men. The Saints will most likely rebound from last season and I imagine the Giants will keep on clicking with the Big Boss Man getting the starts at TE.
D: Say what you will about Shockey's personality, but the dude can flat out ball. Payton is a creative offensive mind, and he will find plenty of ways to get the ball into the hands of his new toy. Look for the Saints to regain their 2006 form. I know I will.
D: Now as for the team I really want to see regain their 2006 form (postseason-wise, anyway), it is the Colts. Recent events have forced our star, our hero, our leader, our quarterback, Peyton Manning to have minor surgery on his knee. Word is that he will return to action in 4-6 weeks, meaning he will miss most of the preseason and be back for the regular season. What are the implications from your point of view, mi amigo?
P: I'm not concernicus about this surgery. Peyton doesn't play much in the preseason anyway so that won't be an issue. The surgery is to remove an inflamed bursa sac (bursitis) causing him pain in his knee. This isn't a big deal according to the doctorate I just earned by navigating over to WebMD.com. I'd rather him have the surgery now and be ready to go for the start of the regular season than avoid surgery and be worn down and possibly cause more damage as the season grinds on.
P: I like to avoid surgery when at all possible, but it's on a knee that he's not that reliant upon and not on his laser, rocket arm.
D: That's the main issue--as long as he heals up now and it doesn't affect his regular season play any, slice that knee all you want. Not to say that I am glad this happened. Far from it. But I am a little eager to see how Adam Tafralis does with his extra duty now. I know what you're asking: "Who the hell is Adam Trafalgar?!" Well he is currently our 3rd string QB behind 2nd year pro Josh Betts and everybody's favorite professional athlete, Jim Sorgi. Tafralis went undrafted after a fairly noteworthy career as the signal caller at San Jose State. He had a very good junior year but was injured for much of his senior year, leading him to us as a rookie free agent. I honestly think he might have the tools to push Betts out the door and even give Sorgi a run for his money as the primary backup. That, folks, was the frequently spoken of, rarely seen deadpan Dick dark horse pick. Lock it up.
P: You heard it hear first, folks. Keep your eye on that Tripoley character.
D: Speaking of Timberlakes, did you catch the ESPYs last night?
P: Missed it. No real reason. I don't think I've watched one ESPY Awards. I don't know what's wrong with me.
D: Nothing at all. I actually caught my first one last night. Awards shows don't appeal to me in the least, but I was pleasantly surprised. For a former boy band beebopper, Justin Timberlake earned a miniscule amount of my respect last night. He still has a high girlish voice, but he cracked wise a few times last night, so it was ok. Will Ferrell continues his stranglehold on the world of entertainment, and Greg Oden reminded everyone just how hip Father Time can be.
P: Mr. Timberlake's had my respect ever since "Dick In A Box."
D: That was hilarious. I just have a hard time adjusting my first impressions. He was in NSYNC then, and sometimes I still think he's in NSYNC now.
P: Yeah. It's certainly egregious to be a member of a boyband, but JT's done a fine job of picking up the pieces of his career and moving forward. Many can't get past the massive, yet hollow fame that comes with boy band superstardom. Some try desperately to keep the seed alive well past their expiration date. New Kids On The Block, anyone?
D: One other note about the ESPYs: apparently after the show, ESPN Page 2 writer Sam Alipour was hit by a car, and who was the good samaritan who helped him off the street and stayed with him until help arrived? One Terrell Owens. TO himself, ladies and gentlemen...who am I kidding, just gentlemen. Pretty cool for a guy who is constantly associated with a negative persona.
P: Maybe Papa Wade and Tony have helped T.O. turn over a new leaf as an arrogant wideout with more money than God AND a heart of gold.
D: I have to say, I don't know how we ever made it this long without blogging again. Honestly, let's never be away from each other for more than a week, agreed?
P: I feel ya, Dick (yikes). "Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?"
D: Before we go, I want to assure any of our readers that if they hear a guttural scream of pure ecstasy, don't be alarmed. It's just me celebrating the return of College Football Live to ESPN. Weekdays at 3:30. Spooge.
P: To our faithful readers, for every blog you do not read, a giant kitten will kill a retard. Thank you.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Cal, those are 2 things that don't really go together.
Pralines: We're going to cover the NBA Draft '08 tonight and I want to start this blog off by saying I think Jeff Van Gundy is an absolutely horrible analyst. I hear him talk and I feel like I become a stupider personification. The only reason I like seeing him every now and then is because he looks just like Ted from "Scrubs," and that fun fact warms my heart. Anywho, Not too many surprises so far in the draft, maybe the taking of the Super Lopez Twins taken in the top 15 being a bit of a stretch, but honestly I'm kind of phoning this draft in, with my fourth Keystone Light (who's coincidentally an ESPN sponsor of their draft coverage) open in front of me. The NBA: Where "meh" happens.
Dick: The NBA draft is an entirely different creature than the NFL draft, which gives me reason to keep breathing in the late winter/early spring. The NBA draft is something to watch on a boring summer night, but with so many foreign-born players and freshmen from across the country, it is harder for me to stay into it. I really have a tepid interest in the NBA, and that causes another set of problems entirely. Because NFL games are on 17 weeks out of the year, I can watch a lot of teams and monitor their rosters and needs come draft time. I maybe catch 0.125 of 82 regular season NBA games, and that makes it a lot harder to predict these things.
D: Coming in to the draft, I was holding out hope that the Pacers would pick up D.J. Augustin and either: Robin Lopez, Kosta Koufos, or Roy Hibbert. As little as I know, I did know that they would need a big man and a point guard. So what do they do? They take Jerry Bayless and (indirectly) Roy Hibbert. Good. I like it, but oh wait...they trade Bayless for Jarrett Jack and prodigal son Josh McRoberts. Uhh...what?
P: I'm extremely close to giving up hope on the Birdman and his Pacers. I support them because I'm a homer in a big way (just as I supported the Colts pre-nonsuckiness) but they're not giving me much to hope for here. Larry Bird looks like he's always pissed off, but he's made his bed and he's going to have to lie in it, and right now his bed is full of crap players and a head coach with skunk-hair. Oh and they took some forward from Australia with their second round pick, named Nathan Jawai. He, of course being one of several players selected in the second round with ridiculous names. Jawai joins Nikola Pekovic, Omer Asik, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Sonny Weems, Ante Tomic and Goran Dragic. The NBA: Where funny-sounding names happen.
D: They took another foreigner last year, and the consensus from ESPN and Co. was that he would stay overseas for another 3 years or so before coming to the States. Maybe I'm just being naive, and maybe I don't know much about "the modern NBA," but that is boring as all hell. Are any diehard Pacers fans taking down the names of these guys and crossing their fingers waiting for those 3 years to pass until the fruits of drafts past are realized? Really? It just seems like to me that a team like the Pacers who is losing and needs immediate help should draft for right now and not for the next regime, which is what usually happens with these bad teams. Although this Aussie will be shipped up north to Canada, eh, as a part of the J.O. trade.
P: I'm glad we're beginning to totally rebuild with the movement of O' Neal, but I have to agree that the Pacers need immediate help. Besides, these foreign guys flop like it's going out of style, and I hate that. Anderson Varejao and Manu Ginobli are two of the most egregious floppers in the league. Varejao is better known for his hair than his play, but Ginobli is actually a good player and I can't deny his talents (even though I'd love to because I can't stand the Spurs). When he flops, it just undermines his game. The NBA: Where grown men being crybabies happens.
D: I like J.O. both as a player and as a person. He has done very good things for this organization and city, but it was time for all parties to part ways. Good luck in Toronto, big guy. In my opinion, the next move should be removing Jamaal Tinsley from the roster, be it from trade or just cutting him. The Raptors trade brings in a younger and more efficient point guard in T.J. Ford and clears up immense cap room, so we are no longer handcuffed to Tinsley as the starting point guard.
D: Let's just recap what the new roster will look like: Jermaine O'neal and Ike Diogu are gone, Jamaal Tinsley and Shawne Williams are "on thin ice" in Larry Legend's words, we add Maceo Baston, Rasho Nesterovic, Roy Hibbert and Josh McRoberts up front, and throw T.J. Ford and Brandon Rush to a suddenly crowded back court.
P: I'd like to wish Tinsley a good luck as well: Good luck not getting arrested for you and your posse getting shot at in front of a hotel this season, wherever you may be playing. This turned into a Pacers intervention rather quickly, so I'm just going to put out there that I think the Trailblazer are going to be a team to watch next year, along with the Bulls. I mean, their coach is Vinny del Negro, for crying out loud. Awesome name. Even better head of hair. The NBA: Where white coaches named del Negro happens.
D: Yeah, I don't want to turn this into an NBA=Pacers talk as I would with the NFL and Colts, respectively. The Trail Blazers are making trades like they are going out of style. They now have a very physical and young front court with Greg Oden and Joey Dorsey and a young and talented back court with Brandon Roy and Jerryd Bayless. Miami helped their meal ticket D-Wade substantially with the selection of Michael Beasley. I was slightly put off when Knicks fans booed the selection of an Italian small forward, as if New York and Italy don't go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding...then I remembered that New Yorkers are the scum of the Earth and communicate only in boos. What a unique culture.
P: Yeah, it's an entirely different language of the fans up their in the Big Apple. I just hope for Riles' sake D-Wade comes back fully healthy and avoids injury this season. As for the team formerly known as the Jailblazers, I love Oden, but I don't agree with ESPN's guys assuming he's going to come in and dominate in his rookie season. He'll be good, but don't hand him that Rookie of the Year trophy just yet. The NBA: Where ludicrous expectations happens.
D: Well you have to keep in mind, sweet tasty buttery nougaty Pralines, that this is coming from the same broadcast team that proclaimed last night that Michael Beasley will be an All-Star and Hall of Famer. Yeah...that's logical. He's played 1 year of college basketball. Let's induct him into the H.O.F. Are you fucking kidding me? I know you have to make waves as a talking head, but give me a break. Hyperbole aside, why don't you just tell us the pros and cons of each player and check all this insane future credential nonsense at the door. Don't get me wrong, I think that Beasley is a phenomenal talent and will be a good player, but the Hall of Fame? I just cannot allow that.
P: I concur, Dr. Dickenstein. ESPN's playing the highlights now of the night and I can't get enough of Robin Lopez with a hat sitting on top of his afro. The NBA: Where "They look so damn much like the same person. If you ask one of them if they want ice cream, they both say yes" happens.
D: I have to admit that I have been a Stanford fan for a very long time, and when Brook Lopez slid to 10, I started pondering this vision of Stanford University-East, a.k.a.: the Indiana Pacers. We had the 11th and 17th picks, and we could have taken Brook at 11 and Robin at 17 because, naturally, he is not as good as his brother...
D: Ahh, the best laid plans of mice and couch potatoes.
P: I'm spent. This blog has the Pralines Moderately Sober Seal of Approval.
D: Yeah, I think we covered what we needed to.
P: This is Pralines saying slam that beer, pussy! Goodnight.
D: Have a good weekend, Pralines and our beloved readers. Dick, out.
Dick: The NBA draft is an entirely different creature than the NFL draft, which gives me reason to keep breathing in the late winter/early spring. The NBA draft is something to watch on a boring summer night, but with so many foreign-born players and freshmen from across the country, it is harder for me to stay into it. I really have a tepid interest in the NBA, and that causes another set of problems entirely. Because NFL games are on 17 weeks out of the year, I can watch a lot of teams and monitor their rosters and needs come draft time. I maybe catch 0.125 of 82 regular season NBA games, and that makes it a lot harder to predict these things.
D: Coming in to the draft, I was holding out hope that the Pacers would pick up D.J. Augustin and either: Robin Lopez, Kosta Koufos, or Roy Hibbert. As little as I know, I did know that they would need a big man and a point guard. So what do they do? They take Jerry Bayless and (indirectly) Roy Hibbert. Good. I like it, but oh wait...they trade Bayless for Jarrett Jack and prodigal son Josh McRoberts. Uhh...what?
P: I'm extremely close to giving up hope on the Birdman and his Pacers. I support them because I'm a homer in a big way (just as I supported the Colts pre-nonsuckiness) but they're not giving me much to hope for here. Larry Bird looks like he's always pissed off, but he's made his bed and he's going to have to lie in it, and right now his bed is full of crap players and a head coach with skunk-hair. Oh and they took some forward from Australia with their second round pick, named Nathan Jawai. He, of course being one of several players selected in the second round with ridiculous names. Jawai joins Nikola Pekovic, Omer Asik, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Sonny Weems, Ante Tomic and Goran Dragic. The NBA: Where funny-sounding names happen.
D: They took another foreigner last year, and the consensus from ESPN and Co. was that he would stay overseas for another 3 years or so before coming to the States. Maybe I'm just being naive, and maybe I don't know much about "the modern NBA," but that is boring as all hell. Are any diehard Pacers fans taking down the names of these guys and crossing their fingers waiting for those 3 years to pass until the fruits of drafts past are realized? Really? It just seems like to me that a team like the Pacers who is losing and needs immediate help should draft for right now and not for the next regime, which is what usually happens with these bad teams. Although this Aussie will be shipped up north to Canada, eh, as a part of the J.O. trade.
P: I'm glad we're beginning to totally rebuild with the movement of O' Neal, but I have to agree that the Pacers need immediate help. Besides, these foreign guys flop like it's going out of style, and I hate that. Anderson Varejao and Manu Ginobli are two of the most egregious floppers in the league. Varejao is better known for his hair than his play, but Ginobli is actually a good player and I can't deny his talents (even though I'd love to because I can't stand the Spurs). When he flops, it just undermines his game. The NBA: Where grown men being crybabies happens.
D: I like J.O. both as a player and as a person. He has done very good things for this organization and city, but it was time for all parties to part ways. Good luck in Toronto, big guy. In my opinion, the next move should be removing Jamaal Tinsley from the roster, be it from trade or just cutting him. The Raptors trade brings in a younger and more efficient point guard in T.J. Ford and clears up immense cap room, so we are no longer handcuffed to Tinsley as the starting point guard.
D: Let's just recap what the new roster will look like: Jermaine O'neal and Ike Diogu are gone, Jamaal Tinsley and Shawne Williams are "on thin ice" in Larry Legend's words, we add Maceo Baston, Rasho Nesterovic, Roy Hibbert and Josh McRoberts up front, and throw T.J. Ford and Brandon Rush to a suddenly crowded back court.
P: I'd like to wish Tinsley a good luck as well: Good luck not getting arrested for you and your posse getting shot at in front of a hotel this season, wherever you may be playing. This turned into a Pacers intervention rather quickly, so I'm just going to put out there that I think the Trailblazer are going to be a team to watch next year, along with the Bulls. I mean, their coach is Vinny del Negro, for crying out loud. Awesome name. Even better head of hair. The NBA: Where white coaches named del Negro happens.
D: Yeah, I don't want to turn this into an NBA=Pacers talk as I would with the NFL and Colts, respectively. The Trail Blazers are making trades like they are going out of style. They now have a very physical and young front court with Greg Oden and Joey Dorsey and a young and talented back court with Brandon Roy and Jerryd Bayless. Miami helped their meal ticket D-Wade substantially with the selection of Michael Beasley. I was slightly put off when Knicks fans booed the selection of an Italian small forward, as if New York and Italy don't go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding...then I remembered that New Yorkers are the scum of the Earth and communicate only in boos. What a unique culture.
P: Yeah, it's an entirely different language of the fans up their in the Big Apple. I just hope for Riles' sake D-Wade comes back fully healthy and avoids injury this season. As for the team formerly known as the Jailblazers, I love Oden, but I don't agree with ESPN's guys assuming he's going to come in and dominate in his rookie season. He'll be good, but don't hand him that Rookie of the Year trophy just yet. The NBA: Where ludicrous expectations happens.
D: Well you have to keep in mind, sweet tasty buttery nougaty Pralines, that this is coming from the same broadcast team that proclaimed last night that Michael Beasley will be an All-Star and Hall of Famer. Yeah...that's logical. He's played 1 year of college basketball. Let's induct him into the H.O.F. Are you fucking kidding me? I know you have to make waves as a talking head, but give me a break. Hyperbole aside, why don't you just tell us the pros and cons of each player and check all this insane future credential nonsense at the door. Don't get me wrong, I think that Beasley is a phenomenal talent and will be a good player, but the Hall of Fame? I just cannot allow that.
P: I concur, Dr. Dickenstein. ESPN's playing the highlights now of the night and I can't get enough of Robin Lopez with a hat sitting on top of his afro. The NBA: Where "They look so damn much like the same person. If you ask one of them if they want ice cream, they both say yes" happens.
D: I have to admit that I have been a Stanford fan for a very long time, and when Brook Lopez slid to 10, I started pondering this vision of Stanford University-East, a.k.a.: the Indiana Pacers. We had the 11th and 17th picks, and we could have taken Brook at 11 and Robin at 17 because, naturally, he is not as good as his brother...
D: Ahh, the best laid plans of mice and couch potatoes.
P: I'm spent. This blog has the Pralines Moderately Sober Seal of Approval.
D: Yeah, I think we covered what we needed to.
P: This is Pralines saying slam that beer, pussy! Goodnight.
D: Have a good weekend, Pralines and our beloved readers. Dick, out.
Friday, June 20, 2008
I heat up the ice cubes...It's the best of both worlds!
Dick: Well Tiger Woods is still awesome, the Celtics proved once again that defense wins championships, and being fired in the middle of the night while 3000 miles from home is just plain brutal (right, Willie Randolph?). But we don't need to beat those topics into the ground. As we both love sports, and we both love movies, it seems only logical that we discuss the greatest sports movies of all time.
D: I think the easiest way to do it might be sport by sport, and since football is always on the top of my list, I will start there. Friday Night Lights wins because of quotability factor, realistic football action, and humanistic characters. Varsity Blues is a close second, falling short to FNL in all of those categories. The Replacements, while thoroughly enjoyable, is just not realistic at all; from beginning to end, it is just one big "WTF, mate?" moment after another. I like the movie, and I watch it every time it is on (thanks to TBS), but it wins my Golden Raspberry Award.
Pralines: I support those choices. I'm going to drop some seriousness on the world with Rudy. Revived Sean Astin's career, and was the birthplace of the team-up between Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn. Now to go completely off the charts, I'm going to say Necessary Roughness. Scott Bakula is underrated here as the aging cowboy quarterback who returns to play college ball, with hilarity from Jason Bateman and Rob Schneider as the play-by-play man.
D: When we come upon another sports news drought, I think we should devote an entire blogosphere to football movies. I mean, we didn't even mention Remember the Titans, Invincible, Any Given Sunday, We are Marshall, The Longest Yard (old or new), or even the Waterboy. Come on.
P: Too many subdivisions in the football genre to tap into all of them in one sitting.
D: Of course. Let's see, next in line alphabetically after football is yachting, I'm pretty sure. I don't know any yachting movies though, so I will laud Kingpin as the greatest bowling movie of all time. Honorable mention goes to the Big Lebowski because they do play substantial frames of bowling. Bowling movies must be the key to hilarity. One would be hard pressed to find a more impressive pair of sporting comedies than Kingpin and the Big Lebowski.
P: Oh absolutely. Kingpin I feel is the most overlooked film by the Farrellys. Bill Murray steals it for me as Ernie McCracken ("It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits, Roy"). The Big Lebowski is amazing on so many levels. Jeff Bridges plays my personal hero as the ultimate slacker/amateur bowler ever dedicated to celluloid.
D: In addition to our football movie roundabout, we should just fill up paragraphs with Kingpin and Big Lebowski quotes...perhaps a "to be continued" on the end of this entry. Who knows?
D: The most obvious golf flicks are Caddyshack and Happy Gilmore. Enough said.
P: Caddyshack is just amazing. Happy Gilmore, while enjoyable, isn't in the same league as Caddyshack. Bill Murray (see a pattern here?) as the insane groundskeeper, Chevy Chase as the club pro/resident ladies man Ty Webb and Rodney Dangerfield are just amazing together onscreen.
D: No arguments there. I will be the first to admit that I generally favor newer movies to old, but Caddyshack blows Happy Gilmore out of the water. Hands down.
D: Let's see...baseball brings us to Major League. Bull Durham deserves mention, but cmon. Major League. How good is Major League? I also can't help but notice that my movie choices started out quasi-serious and have since plummeted into "best sports comedies." That's just who I am. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
P: I enjoyed an Indianapolis Indians game last night and the whole time I wasn't sipping on Coors Light drafts, i was quoting both Major League and Bull Durham. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle is tremendous as the drunken announcer, but I think what makes it work is the ensemble cast. I mean clearly this is Charlie Sheen's best work besides Hot Shots, and it's Corbin Bernsen's best work, well, ever.
D: For some reason, and I honestly cannot explain why, my favorite line comes in the final game against the Yankees when the NYY first basemen asks Wesley Snipes/Willie Mays Hayes, "Going somewhere, meat?" To which WS/WMH replies, "About 90 feet." Like I said, I cannot explain why, but that is my favorite line out an entire movie of great lines. Weird, I know.
P: Harry Doyle: "The Duke is the league's triple crown winner, leading in saves, strikeouts per inning, and hit batsmen. This guy threw at his own kid in a father-son game."
D: "How would you like to manage the Indians this year?" "Gee, I don't know."
P: Since we're not technically throwing out all serious sports movies, I'd feel bad if I didn't namedrop the following titles: For Love Of The Game, Field Of Dreams, and The Natural. Oh, and Rookie Of The Year and Little Big League and Angels In The Outfield, but for entirely different reasons. Those three movies are links to my childhood and reminders of how my tastes in films have grown over the years.
D: Rookie of the Year is good. I give it 2 thumbs up for 2 main reasons. First is the quote "Funky butt-lovin'" and the second is Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern is like a poor man's Steve Buscemi. By that I mean he is always funny, even though his roles are usually minimal, save for Bushwacked and Home Alone. But those are fucking funny anyway.
P: Indeed. He makes City Slickers watchable. Hopefully our support here can get him more roles.
D: What the hell happened to him? I can't think of anything he's done in the last decade. That sucks.
P: Another subdivision to delve into would be Will Ferrell sports comedies. Talladega Night: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby led the way and is probably the most well-known, but I think people are too quick to dismiss the genius of both Blades Of Glory and Semi-Pro. People need to preface their viewings with the mindset that they are separate, stand-alone films and should be enjoyed as such, and not just Ricky Bobby on ice skates and on the
D: I have to admit that he plays the same character in a different uniform with a different voice, but the movies are still funny. Just because they are unoriginal doesn't mean they are ungood. They can, in fact, be unungood, and they are unungood. I'd also like to throw out a last minute salute to the Mighty Ducks as my favorite hockey movie.
D: And Kicking and Screaming...wow Will Ferrell makes a lot of sports movies.
P: EMILIO! Yes, he as former pro hopeful turned lawyer turned kids hockey coach Gordon Bombay (great name) is amazing. D2 isn't bad, but The Mighty Ducks 3 is super lame. Kicking and Screaming works mainly because of Robert Duvall and Mike Ditka as grizzled old neighbors that hate each others guts.
D: I'm not crazy about Kicking and Screaming, as it is inevitably one of Mr. Ferrell's ungoodest works, but it does grow on you. I hated it after the first viewing, but I'm up to about 4 viewings now, and I kinda like it.
P: Agreed. It takes a while for the funny to seep through, but overall it's a solid picture.
D: Will Ferrell calling Coach Ditka "juice box" makes it worthwhile, if for no other reason than a similar situation on the streets would result in a giant can of whoop ass being opened.*
P: Well, with this being the most scatterbrained blog we've done to date, at least we walked away with a plethora of future blog topics to dive into more detail. Shall we end this tea party?
D: I don't see much good coming out of a continuation. It's bad enough that I'm stone cold sober and blogging on a Friday night. I feel it best to limit myself to one sadsack behavior at a time. Have a good weekend, Pralines.
P: Until we blog again, Dick.
*Everyone wave goodbye to juice box! Literally wave. DO IT! Parents too! Everyone waves.
D: I think the easiest way to do it might be sport by sport, and since football is always on the top of my list, I will start there. Friday Night Lights wins because of quotability factor, realistic football action, and humanistic characters. Varsity Blues is a close second, falling short to FNL in all of those categories. The Replacements, while thoroughly enjoyable, is just not realistic at all; from beginning to end, it is just one big "WTF, mate?" moment after another. I like the movie, and I watch it every time it is on (thanks to TBS), but it wins my Golden Raspberry Award.
Pralines: I support those choices. I'm going to drop some seriousness on the world with Rudy. Revived Sean Astin's career, and was the birthplace of the team-up between Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn. Now to go completely off the charts, I'm going to say Necessary Roughness. Scott Bakula is underrated here as the aging cowboy quarterback who returns to play college ball, with hilarity from Jason Bateman and Rob Schneider as the play-by-play man.
D: When we come upon another sports news drought, I think we should devote an entire blogosphere to football movies. I mean, we didn't even mention Remember the Titans, Invincible, Any Given Sunday, We are Marshall, The Longest Yard (old or new), or even the Waterboy. Come on.
P: Too many subdivisions in the football genre to tap into all of them in one sitting.
D: Of course. Let's see, next in line alphabetically after football is yachting, I'm pretty sure. I don't know any yachting movies though, so I will laud Kingpin as the greatest bowling movie of all time. Honorable mention goes to the Big Lebowski because they do play substantial frames of bowling. Bowling movies must be the key to hilarity. One would be hard pressed to find a more impressive pair of sporting comedies than Kingpin and the Big Lebowski.
P: Oh absolutely. Kingpin I feel is the most overlooked film by the Farrellys. Bill Murray steals it for me as Ernie McCracken ("It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits, Roy"). The Big Lebowski is amazing on so many levels. Jeff Bridges plays my personal hero as the ultimate slacker/amateur bowler ever dedicated to celluloid.
D: In addition to our football movie roundabout, we should just fill up paragraphs with Kingpin and Big Lebowski quotes...perhaps a "to be continued" on the end of this entry. Who knows?
D: The most obvious golf flicks are Caddyshack and Happy Gilmore. Enough said.
P: Caddyshack is just amazing. Happy Gilmore, while enjoyable, isn't in the same league as Caddyshack. Bill Murray (see a pattern here?) as the insane groundskeeper, Chevy Chase as the club pro/resident ladies man Ty Webb and Rodney Dangerfield are just amazing together onscreen.
D: No arguments there. I will be the first to admit that I generally favor newer movies to old, but Caddyshack blows Happy Gilmore out of the water. Hands down.
D: Let's see...baseball brings us to Major League. Bull Durham deserves mention, but cmon. Major League. How good is Major League? I also can't help but notice that my movie choices started out quasi-serious and have since plummeted into "best sports comedies." That's just who I am. I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
P: I enjoyed an Indianapolis Indians game last night and the whole time I wasn't sipping on Coors Light drafts, i was quoting both Major League and Bull Durham. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle is tremendous as the drunken announcer, but I think what makes it work is the ensemble cast. I mean clearly this is Charlie Sheen's best work besides Hot Shots, and it's Corbin Bernsen's best work, well, ever.
D: For some reason, and I honestly cannot explain why, my favorite line comes in the final game against the Yankees when the NYY first basemen asks Wesley Snipes/Willie Mays Hayes, "Going somewhere, meat?" To which WS/WMH replies, "About 90 feet." Like I said, I cannot explain why, but that is my favorite line out an entire movie of great lines. Weird, I know.
P: Harry Doyle: "The Duke is the league's triple crown winner, leading in saves, strikeouts per inning, and hit batsmen. This guy threw at his own kid in a father-son game."
D: "How would you like to manage the Indians this year?" "Gee, I don't know."
P: Since we're not technically throwing out all serious sports movies, I'd feel bad if I didn't namedrop the following titles: For Love Of The Game, Field Of Dreams, and The Natural. Oh, and Rookie Of The Year and Little Big League and Angels In The Outfield, but for entirely different reasons. Those three movies are links to my childhood and reminders of how my tastes in films have grown over the years.
D: Rookie of the Year is good. I give it 2 thumbs up for 2 main reasons. First is the quote "Funky butt-lovin'" and the second is Daniel Stern. Daniel Stern is like a poor man's Steve Buscemi. By that I mean he is always funny, even though his roles are usually minimal, save for Bushwacked and Home Alone. But those are fucking funny anyway.
P: Indeed. He makes City Slickers watchable. Hopefully our support here can get him more roles.
D: What the hell happened to him? I can't think of anything he's done in the last decade. That sucks.
P: Another subdivision to delve into would be Will Ferrell sports comedies. Talladega Night: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby led the way and is probably the most well-known, but I think people are too quick to dismiss the genius of both Blades Of Glory and Semi-Pro. People need to preface their viewings with the mindset that they are separate, stand-alone films and should be enjoyed as such, and not just Ricky Bobby on ice skates and on the
D: I have to admit that he plays the same character in a different uniform with a different voice, but the movies are still funny. Just because they are unoriginal doesn't mean they are ungood. They can, in fact, be unungood, and they are unungood. I'd also like to throw out a last minute salute to the Mighty Ducks as my favorite hockey movie.
D: And Kicking and Screaming...wow Will Ferrell makes a lot of sports movies.
P: EMILIO! Yes, he as former pro hopeful turned lawyer turned kids hockey coach Gordon Bombay (great name) is amazing. D2 isn't bad, but The Mighty Ducks 3 is super lame. Kicking and Screaming works mainly because of Robert Duvall and Mike Ditka as grizzled old neighbors that hate each others guts.
D: I'm not crazy about Kicking and Screaming, as it is inevitably one of Mr. Ferrell's ungoodest works, but it does grow on you. I hated it after the first viewing, but I'm up to about 4 viewings now, and I kinda like it.
P: Agreed. It takes a while for the funny to seep through, but overall it's a solid picture.
D: Will Ferrell calling Coach Ditka "juice box" makes it worthwhile, if for no other reason than a similar situation on the streets would result in a giant can of whoop ass being opened.*
P: Well, with this being the most scatterbrained blog we've done to date, at least we walked away with a plethora of future blog topics to dive into more detail. Shall we end this tea party?
D: I don't see much good coming out of a continuation. It's bad enough that I'm stone cold sober and blogging on a Friday night. I feel it best to limit myself to one sadsack behavior at a time. Have a good weekend, Pralines.
P: Until we blog again, Dick.
*Everyone wave goodbye to juice box! Literally wave. DO IT! Parents too! Everyone waves.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Welcome Back, Coxer
Dick: Well here we go, after an unnecessarily long layoff. Pralines, Tim Donaghy has been making a lot of waves as of late, and you can't have an NBA finals series without talk of rotten officiating, so lets dish. First thoughts?
Pralines: my first thoughts are that i miss being in tennessee in a cabin up the side of a mountain with satellite tv AND the nfl network AND a pool table which was glorious (uber digression). but honestly, i don't back stern's approach (and the approach of the majority of commissioners when faced with harsh allegations) of just dismissing it like officer barbrady. "ok people. nothin' to see here. move along folks."
D: Yeah, he's taking the defense attorney tactic and just destroying Donaghy's credibility. I firmly believe that if you have nothing to hide, you face problems head on. This makes me think that there may be a more deeply rooted problem than just Donaghy. I read today that the feds were asking a lot about Dick Bevetta, he of the race vs. Sir Charles Barkley fame. Bevetta is like 80. I certainly hope he's not the mastermind behind the corrupted officials. Oh well.
P: i hope not as well. bevetta is one of the more well respected officials ou there right now. it might be that stern's right about donaghy's allegations, but instead of just pushing the usual holier than thou perception stern gives off when answering any questions about his league, he needs to show the fans that he's willing to address an issue that has been on people's minds for some time now. even if stern's right about donaghy, perhaps he's not willing to allow an outside entity to examine the league because of other transgressions happening that he is more than well aware of.
D: Maybe Stern is the ring leader. It makes sense: he's a native New Yorker, he tries his damnedest to keep a squeaky clean image, he denies problems like it's his job, and he hires guys named Donaghy and Bevetta to run the games. I'm on to you, Stern. I'm on to you.
P: and it looks like he's set a bad example for wet behind the ears commish roger goodell. he's behaving in a very sternish manner so far in his career. destroying the spygate tapes? really, rog? come on. we all know there are issues in all major sports, but officials rigging games (possibly on orders from the league itself) is unbelievable to me. teams or players cheating the game is one thing, but the league sabotaging it's own playoff system is a whole 'nother level of retardation. we're talkin' timmy and lords of the underworld retarded.
D: Ribrawr-timmawr. And let's not forget everybody's favorite scape-goat: Bud Selig. Whenever something goes wrong with MLB, and there are plenty of instances, Bud is usually to blame. For instance, the tie in the All Star game a few years back? Come on now. Calling his own efforts to see Barry Bonds hit the record breaker "herculean." Seriously? Sitting in luxury suites watching the game you supposedly love as one of its most polarizing figures breaks the most prestigious record the game has...that's herculean? Methinks not. They can't all be Paul Tagliabue, but they shouldn’t all be Bud Selig either.
P: Tagliabue did work on a level that Mr. Big Black himself would be proud of. i think with the mlb, nfl and nba, they are all worried about outdoing one another in the business-end of the world, so it leads them to make decisions a drunken fratboy would call "questionable." but let's look at the nhl. like the smartest/loneliest guy in class, sitting alone, occasionally talking (to no one), but that kid, while demented and sad, knows it's place and is willing to accept it and is all the more happier for it.
D: NHL will never be prom king here in America, and NHL is ok with that. It stands to reason that I don't know the NHL Commish's name. I sit at the cool table. NHL eats its dessert alone like Steven fucking Glansberg. To go back to Bud for a second, I have to ask your thoughts on bringing replay into baseball. Yay or nay?
P: baseball is already slower than molasses in winter (i dunno, i guess it's some kind of saying or whatever), but using it to determine home runs or fair and foul balls isn't a bad idea. using it to determine balls and strikes or outs is the worst idea since breakin' 2: electric boogaloo.
D: That's my opinion. Leave the sacred "human element" in the game as far as balls and strikes go, but why not make sure it really is a home run and not fan interference or a ground rule double? That would only help the game, would it not?
P: i agree, since those aren't judgment calls, but facts. i think facts are important, right?
D: I'm not a doctor, but I've always found facts to be important. They seem to have some weight behind them.
Unrelated side-note: Boston just came back from the dead and stuck it to Jack Nicholson and the rest of Lakerland. I couldn't be happier.
P: thank goodness. it was looking pretty bleak. i love me some nicholson ("I must be crazy to be in a looney bin like this") , but the lakers aren't winning this finals.
D: Right, I have no problem with Jack. He's a good man. I just hate Kobe and the Lakers. I'm not crazy about Boston either, but they are the lesser of 2 evils. I want the Boston 3 Party to get a ring. They deserve it.
P: the luckiest guy on earth right now? scot pollard. sat on the bench for most, if not all of this season, and is going to get a ring.
D: I envy guys like that more than anything in the world. I would honestly love to be Jim Sorgi, as strange as it may sound. He has the greatest job in the world, and he has a Super Bowl ring. What a dick cheeseburger.
P: or whatever. well, like peter griffin when he saw "failure to launch" at the movies, i'm done. good blog, all around. neat-o gang.
D: I can't believe it's been like 3 weeks since we did this. Way too long for my liking. But that's an issue for another day. Later, amigo.
D: PS: thanks for picking up my Airheads quote. Well done.
P: peace, dick. "wrong dickhead. trick question. lemmy is god."
D: I’M GONNA STAB THEIR HEADS OFF! With what? WITH MY DICK!
*obligatory footnote
Pralines: my first thoughts are that i miss being in tennessee in a cabin up the side of a mountain with satellite tv AND the nfl network AND a pool table which was glorious (uber digression). but honestly, i don't back stern's approach (and the approach of the majority of commissioners when faced with harsh allegations) of just dismissing it like officer barbrady. "ok people. nothin' to see here. move along folks."
D: Yeah, he's taking the defense attorney tactic and just destroying Donaghy's credibility. I firmly believe that if you have nothing to hide, you face problems head on. This makes me think that there may be a more deeply rooted problem than just Donaghy. I read today that the feds were asking a lot about Dick Bevetta, he of the race vs. Sir Charles Barkley fame. Bevetta is like 80. I certainly hope he's not the mastermind behind the corrupted officials. Oh well.
P: i hope not as well. bevetta is one of the more well respected officials ou there right now. it might be that stern's right about donaghy's allegations, but instead of just pushing the usual holier than thou perception stern gives off when answering any questions about his league, he needs to show the fans that he's willing to address an issue that has been on people's minds for some time now. even if stern's right about donaghy, perhaps he's not willing to allow an outside entity to examine the league because of other transgressions happening that he is more than well aware of.
D: Maybe Stern is the ring leader. It makes sense: he's a native New Yorker, he tries his damnedest to keep a squeaky clean image, he denies problems like it's his job, and he hires guys named Donaghy and Bevetta to run the games. I'm on to you, Stern. I'm on to you.
P: and it looks like he's set a bad example for wet behind the ears commish roger goodell. he's behaving in a very sternish manner so far in his career. destroying the spygate tapes? really, rog? come on. we all know there are issues in all major sports, but officials rigging games (possibly on orders from the league itself) is unbelievable to me. teams or players cheating the game is one thing, but the league sabotaging it's own playoff system is a whole 'nother level of retardation. we're talkin' timmy and lords of the underworld retarded.
D: Ribrawr-timmawr. And let's not forget everybody's favorite scape-goat: Bud Selig. Whenever something goes wrong with MLB, and there are plenty of instances, Bud is usually to blame. For instance, the tie in the All Star game a few years back? Come on now. Calling his own efforts to see Barry Bonds hit the record breaker "herculean." Seriously? Sitting in luxury suites watching the game you supposedly love as one of its most polarizing figures breaks the most prestigious record the game has...that's herculean? Methinks not. They can't all be Paul Tagliabue, but they shouldn’t all be Bud Selig either.
P: Tagliabue did work on a level that Mr. Big Black himself would be proud of. i think with the mlb, nfl and nba, they are all worried about outdoing one another in the business-end of the world, so it leads them to make decisions a drunken fratboy would call "questionable." but let's look at the nhl. like the smartest/loneliest guy in class, sitting alone, occasionally talking (to no one), but that kid, while demented and sad, knows it's place and is willing to accept it and is all the more happier for it.
D: NHL will never be prom king here in America, and NHL is ok with that. It stands to reason that I don't know the NHL Commish's name. I sit at the cool table. NHL eats its dessert alone like Steven fucking Glansberg. To go back to Bud for a second, I have to ask your thoughts on bringing replay into baseball. Yay or nay?
P: baseball is already slower than molasses in winter (i dunno, i guess it's some kind of saying or whatever), but using it to determine home runs or fair and foul balls isn't a bad idea. using it to determine balls and strikes or outs is the worst idea since breakin' 2: electric boogaloo.
D: That's my opinion. Leave the sacred "human element" in the game as far as balls and strikes go, but why not make sure it really is a home run and not fan interference or a ground rule double? That would only help the game, would it not?
P: i agree, since those aren't judgment calls, but facts. i think facts are important, right?
D: I'm not a doctor, but I've always found facts to be important. They seem to have some weight behind them.
Unrelated side-note: Boston just came back from the dead and stuck it to Jack Nicholson and the rest of Lakerland. I couldn't be happier.
P: thank goodness. it was looking pretty bleak. i love me some nicholson ("I must be crazy to be in a looney bin like this") , but the lakers aren't winning this finals.
D: Right, I have no problem with Jack. He's a good man. I just hate Kobe and the Lakers. I'm not crazy about Boston either, but they are the lesser of 2 evils. I want the Boston 3 Party to get a ring. They deserve it.
P: the luckiest guy on earth right now? scot pollard. sat on the bench for most, if not all of this season, and is going to get a ring.
D: I envy guys like that more than anything in the world. I would honestly love to be Jim Sorgi, as strange as it may sound. He has the greatest job in the world, and he has a Super Bowl ring. What a dick cheeseburger.
P: or whatever. well, like peter griffin when he saw "failure to launch" at the movies, i'm done. good blog, all around. neat-o gang.
D: I can't believe it's been like 3 weeks since we did this. Way too long for my liking. But that's an issue for another day. Later, amigo.
D: PS: thanks for picking up my Airheads quote. Well done.
P: peace, dick. "wrong dickhead. trick question. lemmy is god."
D: I’M GONNA STAB THEIR HEADS OFF! With what? WITH MY DICK!
*obligatory footnote
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Super Hottie Cheerleader Extravaganza
Dick: Today we take Pralines and Dick blog in a different direction. We will branch out to reach a wider audience by talking about, you guessed it, women in sports. So, Pralines, start us off. Who has the hottest cheerleaders/dance team?
Pralines: On the national level, my vote goes for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. This primarily comes from their "exposure" through their reality TV show about that most important of life's questions: Just how does one become a professional cheerleader!? I thoroughly enjoy the skimpy workout attire but am brought back down to earth when I see the chicks doing the selection as they were once cheerleaders themselves, but now look like tanned and weathered pieces of leather.
D: I still haven't seen an episode of that Dallas Idol nonsense, or whatever the hell they call it. Personally, I think those nice southern ladies are overrated. "Dick, what position are you in to call these gorgeous professional cheerleaders overrated?" The answer is that I don't know, but I think it has something to do with my co-ownership of this blog. So suck on that, Dallas.
D: Anyway, because the Colts play them regularly, and the CBS cameramen know what I like, I've seen plenty of both the Chargers and Jaguars cheerleaders...and wow. Beautiful women + warm weather = skimpy outfits + sexual arousal. Woops. Still though. They get the job done.
P: I'm going to be a homer in a big way here and pull some hometown hotties from my bag of sexy. The dance troupe of the United States Hockey League Indiana Ice, the aptly-named Hardee's Chill Girls, are smokin' hot for a couple of very key points. 1) They all are between the ages of like 18-26. B) They don't wear traditional cheerleader uniforms, but instead usually go with the tight-ass jeans and a midriff-baring Ice top. III) They don't really care about coming up with intricate routines and decide to go straight for the man's crotch with the same gyrating and dippin' low manoeuvers seen in any number of rap videos. Potato) Since they are younger and probably at the bottom of the professional cheerleading echelon, they seem "gettable," a severely underrated attribute amongst other pro cheermongers.
D: I have to admit, I haven't been to an Ice game since they were the farm club for the Blackhawks way back in the day. I really like the gettability factor though. Great point. I wish I could say the cheerleaders here at my alma mater are in that same field, but I would be lying. (Not in the gettability sense, they are just dog ugly). We have a fat dance team, a weird Asian cheerleader who looks like the alien/octopus baby Will Smith delivers in Men In Black, and a bunch of loser dudes trying to get with all of them. Not what I like to see in my cheerleaders.*
P: I'm going to take this opportunity to combine your "dog ugly" and "loser dudes" comments to segue into a big Praliney Props (patent pending) to the all-male, all-overweight dance team for the Florida Marlins, the even more aptly-named Manatees. Being fat, drunk, at the ballpark and wanting to dance are things I can certainly relate to. I think this works well because of the sport (traditional cheerleaders and baseball don't mix, like supermodels and solid food), and the location. Nobody goes to see pro baseball in Florida, so the Manatees can totally get away with their sweet-ass moves in a nearly empty Dolphin Stadium (yes, the Marlins play in an NFL stadium. I know, I've heard).
D: There's just no way I can top that, so I will simply transition this bad boy into our next topic, which is one very close to my heart: hottest female sportscasters. I still maintain that I will marry Rachel Nichols some day, hopefully sooner than later. Erin Andrews has attained near-goddess status. Stacey Dales has kind of a weird voice, but is still hot. Colleen Dominguez might be the hottest middle-aged Latina woman on TV. Jill Arrington and Gillian Barberie deserve mention too. I just love it. I. Just. Love. It.
P: Rachel Nichols is a solid choice by combining looks with the apparent sports knowledge that some female sportscasters might be lacking. I love the clips of her in the ring with Kimbo Slice during an "E:60" piece. My first thoughts were, "Get that silverback gorilla away from my Rachel!" Erin Andrews is so hawt, but comes off as one of the sideline ladies that are there for eye candy and not for their knowledge of the game. But that's ok with me if it's ok with you. Can we petition to get Cheryl Miller and Shelley Smith off the air?
D: Cheryl Miller...yikes. It is a really bad sign if I'm more attracted to Reggie than his sister. Gross. I have this ongoing joke with my roommates that female ESPN employees serve as high class hookers for the athletes they interview. It would make sense though, right? If you are a professional athlete and Erin Andrews is coming to interview you, you're going to do all you can to bed her. Am I wrong? No. No I am not. Anyway, the joke is that these guys get all excited when they hear they are being interviewed by ESPN, then Shelley Smith or Holly Rowe shows up, and you can actually hear their penises crying. Ouch.
P: Also, I'd like to give some recognizzle (gangster for recognition) to ladies of the First Take crew on ESPN. Sage Steele gets an obligatory head nod mainly based on her name. I mean come on. She looks good, don't get me wrong. But Sage fucking Steele? Sounds like Iron Man's live-in girlfriend. And for some reason I've always had a soft spot for Dana Jacobson. She has some glaring personality flaws, like being absolutely enamored with both Michigan and Matt Leinart. Yikes.
D: Dana Jacobsen has a filthy whorish mouth off camera, which is pretty badass and definitely a turn on. However, I refuse to watch First Take because Skip Bayless makes me hate my own ability to see and hear and think. Am I missing much else?
D: Sage Steele. Oh yes. Sage Steele is a softcore porn name, if nothing else. My only familiarity with her is when she pops in on the Sportscenter "Right Now" spots. But what I see, I like.
P: On a sidenote: What's the over/under on Michele Tafoya actually being a man? 1 Y chromosome?
D: Michele has a deep voice and weird sideburns, but she isn't the worst. I have been dreading this moment all night, but the time has come. These two words are so nightmarish that they cause grown men to cry, adolescent men to swear to celibacy, and female sports fans to stare in disbelief. The two words: Pam Ward. If Michele Tafoya has 1 y-chromosome, Pam Ward has 122. The sheer thought of Pam Ward made my penis go inside me like a turtle in its shell. She reduces my sex drive to that of a used q-tip. Simply stunning. In a bad way.
P: Well, as they say in the porn industry, my wad's shot. Shall we call it a blog then?
D: Yep. I'm good with it. 100%.**
D: Until next time, Pralines.
P: Have a restful and peaceful evening, Dick.
*This is a good place for a “You know what I do like in my cheerleaders? Me. Hayoh!” line. So there it is.
**Watch the Friday Night Lights movie, and hear this line.
Pralines: On the national level, my vote goes for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. This primarily comes from their "exposure" through their reality TV show about that most important of life's questions: Just how does one become a professional cheerleader!? I thoroughly enjoy the skimpy workout attire but am brought back down to earth when I see the chicks doing the selection as they were once cheerleaders themselves, but now look like tanned and weathered pieces of leather.
D: I still haven't seen an episode of that Dallas Idol nonsense, or whatever the hell they call it. Personally, I think those nice southern ladies are overrated. "Dick, what position are you in to call these gorgeous professional cheerleaders overrated?" The answer is that I don't know, but I think it has something to do with my co-ownership of this blog. So suck on that, Dallas.
D: Anyway, because the Colts play them regularly, and the CBS cameramen know what I like, I've seen plenty of both the Chargers and Jaguars cheerleaders...and wow. Beautiful women + warm weather = skimpy outfits + sexual arousal. Woops. Still though. They get the job done.
P: I'm going to be a homer in a big way here and pull some hometown hotties from my bag of sexy. The dance troupe of the United States Hockey League Indiana Ice, the aptly-named Hardee's Chill Girls, are smokin' hot for a couple of very key points. 1) They all are between the ages of like 18-26. B) They don't wear traditional cheerleader uniforms, but instead usually go with the tight-ass jeans and a midriff-baring Ice top. III) They don't really care about coming up with intricate routines and decide to go straight for the man's crotch with the same gyrating and dippin' low manoeuvers seen in any number of rap videos. Potato) Since they are younger and probably at the bottom of the professional cheerleading echelon, they seem "gettable," a severely underrated attribute amongst other pro cheermongers.
D: I have to admit, I haven't been to an Ice game since they were the farm club for the Blackhawks way back in the day. I really like the gettability factor though. Great point. I wish I could say the cheerleaders here at my alma mater are in that same field, but I would be lying. (Not in the gettability sense, they are just dog ugly). We have a fat dance team, a weird Asian cheerleader who looks like the alien/octopus baby Will Smith delivers in Men In Black, and a bunch of loser dudes trying to get with all of them. Not what I like to see in my cheerleaders.*
P: I'm going to take this opportunity to combine your "dog ugly" and "loser dudes" comments to segue into a big Praliney Props (patent pending) to the all-male, all-overweight dance team for the Florida Marlins, the even more aptly-named Manatees. Being fat, drunk, at the ballpark and wanting to dance are things I can certainly relate to. I think this works well because of the sport (traditional cheerleaders and baseball don't mix, like supermodels and solid food), and the location. Nobody goes to see pro baseball in Florida, so the Manatees can totally get away with their sweet-ass moves in a nearly empty Dolphin Stadium (yes, the Marlins play in an NFL stadium. I know, I've heard).
D: There's just no way I can top that, so I will simply transition this bad boy into our next topic, which is one very close to my heart: hottest female sportscasters. I still maintain that I will marry Rachel Nichols some day, hopefully sooner than later. Erin Andrews has attained near-goddess status. Stacey Dales has kind of a weird voice, but is still hot. Colleen Dominguez might be the hottest middle-aged Latina woman on TV. Jill Arrington and Gillian Barberie deserve mention too. I just love it. I. Just. Love. It.
P: Rachel Nichols is a solid choice by combining looks with the apparent sports knowledge that some female sportscasters might be lacking. I love the clips of her in the ring with Kimbo Slice during an "E:60" piece. My first thoughts were, "Get that silverback gorilla away from my Rachel!" Erin Andrews is so hawt, but comes off as one of the sideline ladies that are there for eye candy and not for their knowledge of the game. But that's ok with me if it's ok with you. Can we petition to get Cheryl Miller and Shelley Smith off the air?
D: Cheryl Miller...yikes. It is a really bad sign if I'm more attracted to Reggie than his sister. Gross. I have this ongoing joke with my roommates that female ESPN employees serve as high class hookers for the athletes they interview. It would make sense though, right? If you are a professional athlete and Erin Andrews is coming to interview you, you're going to do all you can to bed her. Am I wrong? No. No I am not. Anyway, the joke is that these guys get all excited when they hear they are being interviewed by ESPN, then Shelley Smith or Holly Rowe shows up, and you can actually hear their penises crying. Ouch.
P: Also, I'd like to give some recognizzle (gangster for recognition) to ladies of the First Take crew on ESPN. Sage Steele gets an obligatory head nod mainly based on her name. I mean come on. She looks good, don't get me wrong. But Sage fucking Steele? Sounds like Iron Man's live-in girlfriend. And for some reason I've always had a soft spot for Dana Jacobson. She has some glaring personality flaws, like being absolutely enamored with both Michigan and Matt Leinart. Yikes.
D: Dana Jacobsen has a filthy whorish mouth off camera, which is pretty badass and definitely a turn on. However, I refuse to watch First Take because Skip Bayless makes me hate my own ability to see and hear and think. Am I missing much else?
D: Sage Steele. Oh yes. Sage Steele is a softcore porn name, if nothing else. My only familiarity with her is when she pops in on the Sportscenter "Right Now" spots. But what I see, I like.
P: On a sidenote: What's the over/under on Michele Tafoya actually being a man? 1 Y chromosome?
D: Michele has a deep voice and weird sideburns, but she isn't the worst. I have been dreading this moment all night, but the time has come. These two words are so nightmarish that they cause grown men to cry, adolescent men to swear to celibacy, and female sports fans to stare in disbelief. The two words: Pam Ward. If Michele Tafoya has 1 y-chromosome, Pam Ward has 122. The sheer thought of Pam Ward made my penis go inside me like a turtle in its shell. She reduces my sex drive to that of a used q-tip. Simply stunning. In a bad way.
P: Well, as they say in the porn industry, my wad's shot. Shall we call it a blog then?
D: Yep. I'm good with it. 100%.**
D: Until next time, Pralines.
P: Have a restful and peaceful evening, Dick.
*This is a good place for a “You know what I do like in my cheerleaders? Me. Hayoh!” line. So there it is.
**Watch the Friday Night Lights movie, and hear this line.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Back By Nobody's Demand
Dick: So here we go again. The topic at hand tonight is best coach in any sport. Of course I will stay in true Dick form and mostly talk about football coaches. Don't like it? Stop reading. I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that. Please don't stop reading.
D: Anyway, my vote for best coach has to go to Bill Parcells first of all. The man does not mince words, he does not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, and he wins games in large volumes. The proof is in the pudding, and it is hard to argue with the pudding.
D: Big Tuna Pudding, now available at WalMart!
Pralines: Big tuna pudding sounds disgusting but it is true that Parcells rules the roost in active coaches/team presidents in the NFL. Historically there's
Lombardi but right now it's all about Billy Tuna.
D: Honestly, in a historical context, my vote is for the late Bill Walsh, hands down. He completely reinvented the modern game, and his fingerprints are on practically every team's offense across the league. It is only referred to now as the "West Coast Offense," but that's malarkey. It is the Bill Walsh offense. The man was a genius, and he was also the greatest coach in the history of football. So there that is.
D: Now I'm going to venture into the great unknown and talk about other sports. I will take a stand and not cast my votes for Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich. They are good coaches, sure, but a rollerskating cockatoo could lead teams with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman, or Tim Duncan, David Robinson, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili to at least one title.
D: I think Larry Brown has proven his mettle for rebuilding lots of downtrodden teams into contenders, and he has done it with less stellar rosters. However, I will give you a deadpan Dick dark horse pick (patent pending), and say Jerry Sloan. He has never won a title, and he did work with Karl Malone and Jon Stockton, but come on. He makes the playoffs every year, he never gets any credit, and now he has turned Deron Williams into a star. Take that, readers' expectations.
P: Indeed. I like Jackson most in that group. Mostly because his nickname is the Zen Master and the way he deals with players (through the media) is genius and always works even if it sounds stupid at the time. Pat "Riles" Riley is also a nice choice, along with Larry Brown, who won both in the college ranks and in the pros if I'm not mistaken. No easy feat.
D: In baseball, Joe Torre gets the nod. Baseball usually puts me to sleep, but I know Joe Torre is a good manager...Moving on, since I know about as much about hockey as a 7 year old kid knows about mechanical engineering, I will go with Barry Melrose. He has a mullet, he's from Canada, and he's on ESPN. Those credentials need no sugarcoating.
P: Torre is a good choice. All those years in N.Y. dealing with fucking Stein-blamer and still ALWAYS making the post-season is amazing. And he did it the best way, with his quiet leadership and demanding the respect of his overpaid little biatches. Bobby Cox should also get thrown in there not only because I'm a Braves fan (Hot'lanta) but because he wins no matter the personnel. He makes all of his rosters work well even with young unknown players (see: Yunel Escobar).
D: I would have given some cred to Pat Riley, but he lost all respect from me when he bailed on this season. He completely gave up after D-Wade got hurt, not that you can necessarily blame him. Nonetheless, he was the head coach, not the director of college scouting. He needed to be on the bench, not in the stands at Pauley Pavilion or somewhere of the type.
D: And Bobby Cox is a great manager. That run of dominance they had over the NL East...wow. That probably won't happen again. Plus he gets kicked out all the time. Gotta love a guy that consistently gets off work early but still gets great production from his underlings.
P: I'm just waiting for the trade for Greg Maddux to happen and get the old band back together. Plus, Leo Mazzone (pitching coach) should come back because it looks so nice to see him rocking away in the dugout next to old ass Cox.
D: Collegiately, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski, if for no other reason than turning "Krzyzewski" into "Shachefski." Duke is also a pretty good program I guess. Pat Summit has this coaching thing down Pat. She has reached the Summit of the coaching profession, even after starting off as a Volunteer.
D: As far as college football coaches go, I could talk all night. Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll…The definition of "consistency" appears in the dictionary accompanied by pictures of those 4 men.
P: No one can touch Petey (Pablo) Carroll right now as far as I'm concerned. I like Ohio State and Tressel and the sweater vest and the respect it garners. Also, I'm excited for the introduction of Rich Rodriguez into The Big House. Maybe if he's successful all the Big 10 haters can now be easily be brushed off.
D: Rodriguez is widely acknowledged as one of the fathers of the spread/zone read option offense. Since I much prefer the run to the pass (understatement of the year...), I am always more excited to see the spread option than the spread passing attack, a la Mike Leach and Texas Tech. I think Rodriguez will get Michigan going with the spread option and be very successful, but it won't be easy at first. I wouldn't be surprised (or upset. O-H!) if the Wolverines only won 4 games this year. Seriously.
D: Now more about Mike Leach. As far as personalities go, he is probably the coolest guy to hear/read about after JoePa. Leach loves pirates, I love pirates. Leach is smart, I tell everyone I meet that I am smart. Leach didn't get into coaching until after he graduated college, I didn't get into coaching until my junior year of college. My only knock against him is that he is too pass happy. As a former lineman, I just want to see teams grind it out on the ground and run the ball. The Red Raiders aren't exactly known for that. He did take that program to unprecedented heights, though, and you have to laud him for that.
P: I must admit I am not that familiar with Mr. Leach, but Joe Pa is a personal hero of mine after that incident last year with the guy he yelled at in a fit of old man road rage. I believe he was talking senior citizen smack to a female driver and the male passenger said, "That's my wife," to which Papa Paterno replied, "That's your problem." Freakin' hilarious.
D: That one incident pretty much sums up JoePa. It just doesn't get any better than that. The man is a living legend. He is an icon. Probably most important is that he is fully committed to keeping the "student" in "student-athlete." He has had some disciplinary problems the last few years, but Christ, he's 80 years old. Grandpa can't be expected to be Daddy too. That's just not gonna happen.
P: And didn't he make his team last season clean up their home stadium after some sort of egregiuos incident? I mean that old school punishment is what I'm all about. After working as a bailiff for a year, I'm convinced the justice system is broken and completely bogged down by useless paperwork (which I have to fill out). Kenton Keith's case is in my courtroom and after reading the police report I am convinced that all cops (at least the ones in Marion County in Indiana) will try anything to arrest anybody anytime. He was originally charged with 5 different counts, 4 of which ended up being "not filed" and all he ended up being charged with is public intoxication, a B misdemeanor. And from what I could glean from the probable cause is that he wasn't causing a scene, which usually leads to public intox arrests.
D: In the words of Anthony Tony Joseph Peter Kornheiser Reali, "Now that's some inside information!" Well played, Pralines. Well played.
P: If public intox just meant being drunk in public, my ass would be a dead man walking a la Sean Penn at this point.
D: Haha, yeah. And jail crowding is bad enough as it is. I have to admit though, that when I heard of Keith's arrest, I wanted him gone. The Colts have no room for criminals and douche bags. Um…MARVIN IS INNOCENT.
D: And speaking of douche bags, Bill Belichick is a total douche. Put it this way: if the Grand Canyon were a vagina, Belicheat would be the right size douche to clean that baby out. I do have to admit that I am dead tired of hearing about spygate though. He got punished already, Matt Walsh didn't have anything new to report, and Congress has better things to do than screw around with the Patriots.
P: I agree that Congress has better things to deal with than the Patriots’ taping habits. They cheated, they got punished (pretty severely) and end game. Plus I think losing the Super Bowl to Eli and the Giant-ettes is punishment enough. Go for that patent on 18-1, assholes. On a sidenote, Archie Manning's sperm is of a super nature. Bottle that shit up and put it on ice, baby. All praise Archie's super sperm!
D: Tom Coughlin is mostly a douche bag in his own right, but he was far outweighed by the collective doucheness of the entire New England franchise. That Super Bowl might have been one of the most liberating experiences of my life...just behind losing my virginity and just ahead of getting my first car.
P: My first car was an '84 Dodge Rampage, which if you're not familiar is a cheap 80's ripoff of an El Camino. I paid straight cash for that thing and it didn't have power anything (windows, locks, steering, etc.) but it did have a non-necessary hood scoop and a fatty exhaust pipe. I miss that vehicular, but now I've got the White Shadow, which isn't too big of a downgrade.
D: Oh I remember the Ramblin' Rampage. My first car was an '89 Dodge Omni. It looked like a red turtle with wheels, and was aptly named "the turtle." It squeaked like a turkey and shook when I drove faster than 45, but I loved that machine. My '95 Grand Am now isn't horrible, but it pales in comparison to my first. The Turtle > The Red Bomb. No doubt.
P: One time, my friends PICKED UP the Rampage and moved it to another parking spot during high school. Also, it had a bed so during the winter it would fill up with snow and you could totally throw 6-packs of beer...soda in there.
D: Anything you'd like to keep cold...
P: Richard: I need your John Hancock on this.
D: Tommy Boy: John Hancock...It's HERBIE Hancock.
D: What do you think, P to the ralines, shall we put our Herbie Hancock on this installment? It is Friday night, after all.
P: Yeah, I think we've gotten far enough off topic to call it a day's work. Plus I wanna take this time to apoligize after I crashed out on what I think was Tuesday night when I suggested we do this blog in the first place.
D: Dude, apologies are for the weak.* I got into a Dynasty on NCAA Football ‘08 with my roommates this past week anyway, so I haven't had much time for anything else. Besides, we still met our quota for this week. I'm satisfied.
P: Very true. Last minute is still in time in Pralines' book.
D: I don't hear any fat ladies singing...mostly because we don't allow fat ladies in our home. But even if we did, she wouldn't be singing. She knows her place. I bid you adieu, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Mmkay, my fair Dick. Will you take the responsibility again of transferring our ramblings into a blog post form?
D: I've been copying into a word document all along. I learned from last time. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on...?
P: That's why we're such successful grads of B.G.H.S. Pride of the Hive, baby.
D: One last thing: Harvey is gone after this year...what will happen to the Hornet's nest without the queen bee roaming the halls, saying "Gentlemen" without actually making eye contact with anyone, yammering on about Renaissance this and honor roll that. It just won't be the same.
P: I agree. Although he certainly lost points after he shaved his facial hair. I mean come on. He was a shop teacher after all.
P: He totally ought to look like Grizzly Adams.
D: That thing was fierce. He looked like the Governor of Montana.
…
Readers at large: “What the hell? Is that how they ended this thing? The Governor of Montana? They suck. And what the fuck kind of name is pralines and dick? That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. How thoroughly disappointing.”
*See: women and children
D: Anyway, my vote for best coach has to go to Bill Parcells first of all. The man does not mince words, he does not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, and he wins games in large volumes. The proof is in the pudding, and it is hard to argue with the pudding.
D: Big Tuna Pudding, now available at WalMart!
Pralines: Big tuna pudding sounds disgusting but it is true that Parcells rules the roost in active coaches/team presidents in the NFL. Historically there's
Lombardi but right now it's all about Billy Tuna.
D: Honestly, in a historical context, my vote is for the late Bill Walsh, hands down. He completely reinvented the modern game, and his fingerprints are on practically every team's offense across the league. It is only referred to now as the "West Coast Offense," but that's malarkey. It is the Bill Walsh offense. The man was a genius, and he was also the greatest coach in the history of football. So there that is.
D: Now I'm going to venture into the great unknown and talk about other sports. I will take a stand and not cast my votes for Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich. They are good coaches, sure, but a rollerskating cockatoo could lead teams with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman, or Tim Duncan, David Robinson, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili to at least one title.
D: I think Larry Brown has proven his mettle for rebuilding lots of downtrodden teams into contenders, and he has done it with less stellar rosters. However, I will give you a deadpan Dick dark horse pick (patent pending), and say Jerry Sloan. He has never won a title, and he did work with Karl Malone and Jon Stockton, but come on. He makes the playoffs every year, he never gets any credit, and now he has turned Deron Williams into a star. Take that, readers' expectations.
P: Indeed. I like Jackson most in that group. Mostly because his nickname is the Zen Master and the way he deals with players (through the media) is genius and always works even if it sounds stupid at the time. Pat "Riles" Riley is also a nice choice, along with Larry Brown, who won both in the college ranks and in the pros if I'm not mistaken. No easy feat.
D: In baseball, Joe Torre gets the nod. Baseball usually puts me to sleep, but I know Joe Torre is a good manager...Moving on, since I know about as much about hockey as a 7 year old kid knows about mechanical engineering, I will go with Barry Melrose. He has a mullet, he's from Canada, and he's on ESPN. Those credentials need no sugarcoating.
P: Torre is a good choice. All those years in N.Y. dealing with fucking Stein-blamer and still ALWAYS making the post-season is amazing. And he did it the best way, with his quiet leadership and demanding the respect of his overpaid little biatches. Bobby Cox should also get thrown in there not only because I'm a Braves fan (Hot'lanta) but because he wins no matter the personnel. He makes all of his rosters work well even with young unknown players (see: Yunel Escobar).
D: I would have given some cred to Pat Riley, but he lost all respect from me when he bailed on this season. He completely gave up after D-Wade got hurt, not that you can necessarily blame him. Nonetheless, he was the head coach, not the director of college scouting. He needed to be on the bench, not in the stands at Pauley Pavilion or somewhere of the type.
D: And Bobby Cox is a great manager. That run of dominance they had over the NL East...wow. That probably won't happen again. Plus he gets kicked out all the time. Gotta love a guy that consistently gets off work early but still gets great production from his underlings.
P: I'm just waiting for the trade for Greg Maddux to happen and get the old band back together. Plus, Leo Mazzone (pitching coach) should come back because it looks so nice to see him rocking away in the dugout next to old ass Cox.
D: Collegiately, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski, if for no other reason than turning "Krzyzewski" into "Shachefski." Duke is also a pretty good program I guess. Pat Summit has this coaching thing down Pat. She has reached the Summit of the coaching profession, even after starting off as a Volunteer.
D: As far as college football coaches go, I could talk all night. Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll…The definition of "consistency" appears in the dictionary accompanied by pictures of those 4 men.
P: No one can touch Petey (Pablo) Carroll right now as far as I'm concerned. I like Ohio State and Tressel and the sweater vest and the respect it garners. Also, I'm excited for the introduction of Rich Rodriguez into The Big House. Maybe if he's successful all the Big 10 haters can now be easily be brushed off.
D: Rodriguez is widely acknowledged as one of the fathers of the spread/zone read option offense. Since I much prefer the run to the pass (understatement of the year...), I am always more excited to see the spread option than the spread passing attack, a la Mike Leach and Texas Tech. I think Rodriguez will get Michigan going with the spread option and be very successful, but it won't be easy at first. I wouldn't be surprised (or upset. O-H!) if the Wolverines only won 4 games this year. Seriously.
D: Now more about Mike Leach. As far as personalities go, he is probably the coolest guy to hear/read about after JoePa. Leach loves pirates, I love pirates. Leach is smart, I tell everyone I meet that I am smart. Leach didn't get into coaching until after he graduated college, I didn't get into coaching until my junior year of college. My only knock against him is that he is too pass happy. As a former lineman, I just want to see teams grind it out on the ground and run the ball. The Red Raiders aren't exactly known for that. He did take that program to unprecedented heights, though, and you have to laud him for that.
P: I must admit I am not that familiar with Mr. Leach, but Joe Pa is a personal hero of mine after that incident last year with the guy he yelled at in a fit of old man road rage. I believe he was talking senior citizen smack to a female driver and the male passenger said, "That's my wife," to which Papa Paterno replied, "That's your problem." Freakin' hilarious.
D: That one incident pretty much sums up JoePa. It just doesn't get any better than that. The man is a living legend. He is an icon. Probably most important is that he is fully committed to keeping the "student" in "student-athlete." He has had some disciplinary problems the last few years, but Christ, he's 80 years old. Grandpa can't be expected to be Daddy too. That's just not gonna happen.
P: And didn't he make his team last season clean up their home stadium after some sort of egregiuos incident? I mean that old school punishment is what I'm all about. After working as a bailiff for a year, I'm convinced the justice system is broken and completely bogged down by useless paperwork (which I have to fill out). Kenton Keith's case is in my courtroom and after reading the police report I am convinced that all cops (at least the ones in Marion County in Indiana) will try anything to arrest anybody anytime. He was originally charged with 5 different counts, 4 of which ended up being "not filed" and all he ended up being charged with is public intoxication, a B misdemeanor. And from what I could glean from the probable cause is that he wasn't causing a scene, which usually leads to public intox arrests.
D: In the words of Anthony Tony Joseph Peter Kornheiser Reali, "Now that's some inside information!" Well played, Pralines. Well played.
P: If public intox just meant being drunk in public, my ass would be a dead man walking a la Sean Penn at this point.
D: Haha, yeah. And jail crowding is bad enough as it is. I have to admit though, that when I heard of Keith's arrest, I wanted him gone. The Colts have no room for criminals and douche bags. Um…MARVIN IS INNOCENT.
D: And speaking of douche bags, Bill Belichick is a total douche. Put it this way: if the Grand Canyon were a vagina, Belicheat would be the right size douche to clean that baby out. I do have to admit that I am dead tired of hearing about spygate though. He got punished already, Matt Walsh didn't have anything new to report, and Congress has better things to do than screw around with the Patriots.
P: I agree that Congress has better things to deal with than the Patriots’ taping habits. They cheated, they got punished (pretty severely) and end game. Plus I think losing the Super Bowl to Eli and the Giant-ettes is punishment enough. Go for that patent on 18-1, assholes. On a sidenote, Archie Manning's sperm is of a super nature. Bottle that shit up and put it on ice, baby. All praise Archie's super sperm!
D: Tom Coughlin is mostly a douche bag in his own right, but he was far outweighed by the collective doucheness of the entire New England franchise. That Super Bowl might have been one of the most liberating experiences of my life...just behind losing my virginity and just ahead of getting my first car.
P: My first car was an '84 Dodge Rampage, which if you're not familiar is a cheap 80's ripoff of an El Camino. I paid straight cash for that thing and it didn't have power anything (windows, locks, steering, etc.) but it did have a non-necessary hood scoop and a fatty exhaust pipe. I miss that vehicular, but now I've got the White Shadow, which isn't too big of a downgrade.
D: Oh I remember the Ramblin' Rampage. My first car was an '89 Dodge Omni. It looked like a red turtle with wheels, and was aptly named "the turtle." It squeaked like a turkey and shook when I drove faster than 45, but I loved that machine. My '95 Grand Am now isn't horrible, but it pales in comparison to my first. The Turtle > The Red Bomb. No doubt.
P: One time, my friends PICKED UP the Rampage and moved it to another parking spot during high school. Also, it had a bed so during the winter it would fill up with snow and you could totally throw 6-packs of beer...soda in there.
D: Anything you'd like to keep cold...
P: Richard: I need your John Hancock on this.
D: Tommy Boy: John Hancock...It's HERBIE Hancock.
D: What do you think, P to the ralines, shall we put our Herbie Hancock on this installment? It is Friday night, after all.
P: Yeah, I think we've gotten far enough off topic to call it a day's work. Plus I wanna take this time to apoligize after I crashed out on what I think was Tuesday night when I suggested we do this blog in the first place.
D: Dude, apologies are for the weak.* I got into a Dynasty on NCAA Football ‘08 with my roommates this past week anyway, so I haven't had much time for anything else. Besides, we still met our quota for this week. I'm satisfied.
P: Very true. Last minute is still in time in Pralines' book.
D: I don't hear any fat ladies singing...mostly because we don't allow fat ladies in our home. But even if we did, she wouldn't be singing. She knows her place. I bid you adieu, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Mmkay, my fair Dick. Will you take the responsibility again of transferring our ramblings into a blog post form?
D: I've been copying into a word document all along. I learned from last time. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on...?
P: That's why we're such successful grads of B.G.H.S. Pride of the Hive, baby.
D: One last thing: Harvey is gone after this year...what will happen to the Hornet's nest without the queen bee roaming the halls, saying "Gentlemen" without actually making eye contact with anyone, yammering on about Renaissance this and honor roll that. It just won't be the same.
P: I agree. Although he certainly lost points after he shaved his facial hair. I mean come on. He was a shop teacher after all.
P: He totally ought to look like Grizzly Adams.
D: That thing was fierce. He looked like the Governor of Montana.
…
Readers at large: “What the hell? Is that how they ended this thing? The Governor of Montana? They suck. And what the fuck kind of name is pralines and dick? That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. How thoroughly disappointing.”
*See: women and children
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Excuse This Obtrusion
Dick: Since we are right in the middle of 2 of the major 4 sports' playoff seasons, I have to ask: is the 7 game format really that much better than a single-game elimination process?
The NFL is the only major league to support this type of system, and the last time I checked it, the NFL was the most popular sport in the country...
The biggest argument for a best-of-7 series is that it truly allows the cream to rise to the top, but I'm not buying that.
Pralines: I'm not going to knock the NFL because I love it, but at the same time I feel after watching both NBA and NHL playoffs that a series is better because it undoubtedly gives you the better team overall, not just the better team that night/half/quarter.
What the NFL really has going for it compared to the other sports is the length of the season. It's so much shorter compared to, oh, let's just say Major League Baseball, whose regular season is 162 games.
D: And that's the main argument, but it's hard to say that's the case. For instance, if a game 7 goes to overtime, and the game/series is divided by 1 point or so, did the best team really win? Some series are just clearly mismatched, hence the 4 game sweeps. I just think that more people would be interested in the playoffs if they were all one shot, one kill setups.
MLB plays 162 games, NBA plays 82, NHL plays 82 also, and the NFL drags up the rear at 16. One could also say that NCAA football and basketball are major sports in America, and they both feature one-game playoff systems, although each is vastly different.
P: I agree with that point because all one game elimination games are at least exciting for a bit. But a four game sweep of the Lakers over the Nuggets in the 1st round is just unnecessary and boring.
D: Right, there will always be an overmatched and overwhelmed team being completely embarrassed by a superior opponent, but why not spice things up? Why not give the George Masons of the world at all levels a chance to live the dream?
P: I think the system that best utilizes the one game elimination playoffs is the NCAA basketball tournament. They've got that shit worked out to a science and it always does well because it's exciting for people who follow absolutely none of the regular season.
D: It stands to reason that American companies lose 9 billion dollars in profit during the opening weekend of March Madness. If that system were to be transferred over to the big leagues, I think it might pay off in the form of both excitement and revenue.
The 2005 Steelers and 2007 Giants (and it pains me to say it, but probably the 2006 Colts too) have Super Bowl rings because they got hot at the right time, and they beat superior opponents on the way to the summit.
If the NBA had a one game playoff, the 76ers would have advanced to the second round after their upset of Detroit in the first game. Now that would make a lot of people happy, wouldn't it?
P: Oh absolutely. The big drawback to these long series is the waiting. Waiting for a good matchup. Waiting for a team to be playing for its season. Now we're sort of being nitpicky here with established systems of playoffs. But I think the real issue is with the BCS. I'm venturing into your wheelhouse here so forgive me, but the main argument schools and conferences have against getting rid of the BCS and switching to some kind of legitimate championship round of playoffs is money. Sponsors want bowls to stick their names on, but, and maybe I'm just being naive, but I think a tournament of some kind would make way more money than bowls ever would. I'd be way more pumped up (and feel like far less of a douche) if I tell people I'm watching the semi-finals of the NCAA championship than the PapaJohns.com Bowl.
D: I've been waiting for this topic to present itself. The BCS is the worst thing to ever happen to college football. Worse than a senile Lou Holtz picking Notre Dame to win every week, even when they play a loaded USC team with Evan Sharpley at the helm...but I digress. There are 32 bowl games, with talk of more being added very soon. That means any team that manages to win 6 of 12 games can play a bowl. Why? So Myles Brand and the NCAA fat cats can line their pockets a little more. Fret not, though, as I have developed a way to fix NCAA football.
P: Guide me, oh seer of seers. I'll beer myself while you're typing.
D: Instead of 12 games, go back to 11. This way teams will either have a winning record, or they won't. No more .500 teams being eligible for post-season play. Divide every conference up into divisions, and make every conference play a championship game. The conference chairmen have too much control over the NCAA, and the quality of the game is suffering because of it. Case in point: Illinois was invited to the Rose Bowl last year to be embarrassed by the Men of Troy because the Big (11) Ten and Pac-10 refused to break tradition and invite a more worthy Missouri or Virginia Tech team to play against USC.
Furthermore, since the NCAA will never turn their back on the tons of sponsors they've accrued over the years through bowl payouts, I propose a compromise. Since every conference is now playing a title game and only 2 teams from each conference will be playing 12 games while the rest play 11, take a week off after conference games, and then begin the playoff system. The playoff games will be held in former bowl venues. So instead of watching the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, you're watching (1) Ohio State versus (8) Nevada in the first round game, being held in Honolulu. Sheraton still gets the sponsorship deal, but it becomes a playoff system instead of a meaningless bowl.
P: It just warms my heart to know that those numbers next to a college football's team name might actually mean something.
D: This will go on all the way up to the current BCS bowls, which will become the football counterpart of the Final Four. The only glaring problem with this idea is that some teams (like the Buckeyes, of course) would end up playing 16 games or so before the end of the season. Granted, the NFL plays 20+ including pre and post seasons, but football is an NFL player's only job. He doesn't also have to worry about taking a Spanish final while breaking down tape of his next opponent’s blitz-heavy defense.
Keep in mind, my Praliney chum, that those are seeds divided by region. 4 regions, 8 seeds, no computers. Let the teams decide who wins. It's only fair.
P: I mean, that does make sense, doesn't it? A team goes as far as its play allows it to? Not as far as a computer says it can.
And I understand that for now anyway people will be scared it doesn't make financial sense, but does capitalism have to be so rampant as to have the major sports in our country in a chokehold?
But I digress.
D: I just think there is a way for old-fashioned college football fans to be happy, corporate sponsors to be happy, and NCAA wise men to be happy.
Sports are supposed to make people happy, aren't they?
P: Last time I checked the dictionary, my name's Pralines, and I'm all about having fun. Or being a cookie-sized candy made of brown sugar and butter and pecans. I always get those confused.
D: Tomato, tomahto.
On a related playoffs note: was it at all wise for Washington's players and fans to antagonize LeBron James? Methinks no.
P: Well, it was a good call if they wanted to get out of the playoffs in the first round and have to go through another offseason of doubt as Agent Zero sat out the final game of the series with a knee injury. You know, the same one that made him sit out most of the year? Yeah, but I wouldn't worry about drama coming from Gilbert Arenas in the offseason if I were the Wizards. I mean, he's a pretty level-headed, quiet, even-tempered, non-confrontist type of person. Oh wait...nevermind.
D: It would be easy for me to sit here on my couch and call LeBron a cry baby and say he's over-rated. It would be stupid, but it would be easy. However, if I were Brendan Haywood or DeShawn Stevenson, you know--guys that actually have to try to stop LeBron, I would keep my mouth shut. He is one of the most gifted athletes the world has ever seen, and he has a history of quieting his nay-sayers. It's like that old saying, "Don't poke the bear." LeBron is very clearly a bear, and now the Wizards are mauled carcasses in the deep woods somewhere. Smart thinking, guys.
P: The NBA needs to do something about getting rid of these also-ran teams in the playoffs. All I hear is how the Western Conference is loaded and the Eastern Conference gargles the West's balls, but last time I checked, the Nuggets got swept out and the Mavericks got booted as well, both perennial playoff teams in the west. Meanwhile, the Atlanta Freakin' Hawks went 7 games against the BEST team in the league in Bahston.
D: JAGER BAHMBS!*
P: Go Sawx! Nomaaaaaah!
D: I have to admit that the West looks better on paper, simply because all 8 teams won at least 50 games. The East...well, Atlanta got in with 35 wins. This has been the case for a few years, so it's understandable why the East is starting to look like the red-headed stepchild of the NBA. While the East isn't lacking in star power, it always seems to take a back seat to the West. Is this another case ESPN-led East Coast bias? Oh, wait...
P: Well Dick, we've had a few laughs and even managed to offer a sound suggestion to fix the playoff debacle that is the BCS. I'll like to congratulate you on your offer of logical advice, and myself for having 3 (count em'...un, deux trois!) beers while writing this, only our second blog.
D: Congratulations, Pralines. Were they imported Mexican beers in late honor of Cinco de Mayo?
P: Alas, my dear Dick, they were but Michelob. However, I did celebrate early on Sunday with cheap margaritas.
D: Good call. I made a late run to Marsh last night to pick up some Bud Light Lime, a bag of limes, and a bottle of $4 champagne, because after all, nothing is more Mexican than champagne.
P: I enjoyed my margaritas at El Mezquite, THE Mexican restaurant in North Manchester, IN. No, really. It's the only one there.
D: Is Manchester in northern or southern Indiana?
P: Northern. Near Fort Wayne.
D: Good to know. So shall we wrap this up?
(That's what she said)
P: Hey-O! Yeah I think we've said as much as we can on the subject without becoming redundant. Or something like that. I can't read or write. (Pralines is a proud graduate of Beech Grove High School).
D: And you know what the worst part of all is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!**
P: Is that true?***
D: Yes. Everything but the reading part.****
*Not now, Chief. I’m in the fuckin zone.
**Oscar Clip
***Oscar the Grouch
****My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.
The NFL is the only major league to support this type of system, and the last time I checked it, the NFL was the most popular sport in the country...
The biggest argument for a best-of-7 series is that it truly allows the cream to rise to the top, but I'm not buying that.
Pralines: I'm not going to knock the NFL because I love it, but at the same time I feel after watching both NBA and NHL playoffs that a series is better because it undoubtedly gives you the better team overall, not just the better team that night/half/quarter.
What the NFL really has going for it compared to the other sports is the length of the season. It's so much shorter compared to, oh, let's just say Major League Baseball, whose regular season is 162 games.
D: And that's the main argument, but it's hard to say that's the case. For instance, if a game 7 goes to overtime, and the game/series is divided by 1 point or so, did the best team really win? Some series are just clearly mismatched, hence the 4 game sweeps. I just think that more people would be interested in the playoffs if they were all one shot, one kill setups.
MLB plays 162 games, NBA plays 82, NHL plays 82 also, and the NFL drags up the rear at 16. One could also say that NCAA football and basketball are major sports in America, and they both feature one-game playoff systems, although each is vastly different.
P: I agree with that point because all one game elimination games are at least exciting for a bit. But a four game sweep of the Lakers over the Nuggets in the 1st round is just unnecessary and boring.
D: Right, there will always be an overmatched and overwhelmed team being completely embarrassed by a superior opponent, but why not spice things up? Why not give the George Masons of the world at all levels a chance to live the dream?
P: I think the system that best utilizes the one game elimination playoffs is the NCAA basketball tournament. They've got that shit worked out to a science and it always does well because it's exciting for people who follow absolutely none of the regular season.
D: It stands to reason that American companies lose 9 billion dollars in profit during the opening weekend of March Madness. If that system were to be transferred over to the big leagues, I think it might pay off in the form of both excitement and revenue.
The 2005 Steelers and 2007 Giants (and it pains me to say it, but probably the 2006 Colts too) have Super Bowl rings because they got hot at the right time, and they beat superior opponents on the way to the summit.
If the NBA had a one game playoff, the 76ers would have advanced to the second round after their upset of Detroit in the first game. Now that would make a lot of people happy, wouldn't it?
P: Oh absolutely. The big drawback to these long series is the waiting. Waiting for a good matchup. Waiting for a team to be playing for its season. Now we're sort of being nitpicky here with established systems of playoffs. But I think the real issue is with the BCS. I'm venturing into your wheelhouse here so forgive me, but the main argument schools and conferences have against getting rid of the BCS and switching to some kind of legitimate championship round of playoffs is money. Sponsors want bowls to stick their names on, but, and maybe I'm just being naive, but I think a tournament of some kind would make way more money than bowls ever would. I'd be way more pumped up (and feel like far less of a douche) if I tell people I'm watching the semi-finals of the NCAA championship than the PapaJohns.com Bowl.
D: I've been waiting for this topic to present itself. The BCS is the worst thing to ever happen to college football. Worse than a senile Lou Holtz picking Notre Dame to win every week, even when they play a loaded USC team with Evan Sharpley at the helm...but I digress. There are 32 bowl games, with talk of more being added very soon. That means any team that manages to win 6 of 12 games can play a bowl. Why? So Myles Brand and the NCAA fat cats can line their pockets a little more. Fret not, though, as I have developed a way to fix NCAA football.
P: Guide me, oh seer of seers. I'll beer myself while you're typing.
D: Instead of 12 games, go back to 11. This way teams will either have a winning record, or they won't. No more .500 teams being eligible for post-season play. Divide every conference up into divisions, and make every conference play a championship game. The conference chairmen have too much control over the NCAA, and the quality of the game is suffering because of it. Case in point: Illinois was invited to the Rose Bowl last year to be embarrassed by the Men of Troy because the Big (11) Ten and Pac-10 refused to break tradition and invite a more worthy Missouri or Virginia Tech team to play against USC.
Furthermore, since the NCAA will never turn their back on the tons of sponsors they've accrued over the years through bowl payouts, I propose a compromise. Since every conference is now playing a title game and only 2 teams from each conference will be playing 12 games while the rest play 11, take a week off after conference games, and then begin the playoff system. The playoff games will be held in former bowl venues. So instead of watching the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, you're watching (1) Ohio State versus (8) Nevada in the first round game, being held in Honolulu. Sheraton still gets the sponsorship deal, but it becomes a playoff system instead of a meaningless bowl.
P: It just warms my heart to know that those numbers next to a college football's team name might actually mean something.
D: This will go on all the way up to the current BCS bowls, which will become the football counterpart of the Final Four. The only glaring problem with this idea is that some teams (like the Buckeyes, of course) would end up playing 16 games or so before the end of the season. Granted, the NFL plays 20+ including pre and post seasons, but football is an NFL player's only job. He doesn't also have to worry about taking a Spanish final while breaking down tape of his next opponent’s blitz-heavy defense.
Keep in mind, my Praliney chum, that those are seeds divided by region. 4 regions, 8 seeds, no computers. Let the teams decide who wins. It's only fair.
P: I mean, that does make sense, doesn't it? A team goes as far as its play allows it to? Not as far as a computer says it can.
And I understand that for now anyway people will be scared it doesn't make financial sense, but does capitalism have to be so rampant as to have the major sports in our country in a chokehold?
But I digress.
D: I just think there is a way for old-fashioned college football fans to be happy, corporate sponsors to be happy, and NCAA wise men to be happy.
Sports are supposed to make people happy, aren't they?
P: Last time I checked the dictionary, my name's Pralines, and I'm all about having fun. Or being a cookie-sized candy made of brown sugar and butter and pecans. I always get those confused.
D: Tomato, tomahto.
On a related playoffs note: was it at all wise for Washington's players and fans to antagonize LeBron James? Methinks no.
P: Well, it was a good call if they wanted to get out of the playoffs in the first round and have to go through another offseason of doubt as Agent Zero sat out the final game of the series with a knee injury. You know, the same one that made him sit out most of the year? Yeah, but I wouldn't worry about drama coming from Gilbert Arenas in the offseason if I were the Wizards. I mean, he's a pretty level-headed, quiet, even-tempered, non-confrontist type of person. Oh wait...nevermind.
D: It would be easy for me to sit here on my couch and call LeBron a cry baby and say he's over-rated. It would be stupid, but it would be easy. However, if I were Brendan Haywood or DeShawn Stevenson, you know--guys that actually have to try to stop LeBron, I would keep my mouth shut. He is one of the most gifted athletes the world has ever seen, and he has a history of quieting his nay-sayers. It's like that old saying, "Don't poke the bear." LeBron is very clearly a bear, and now the Wizards are mauled carcasses in the deep woods somewhere. Smart thinking, guys.
P: The NBA needs to do something about getting rid of these also-ran teams in the playoffs. All I hear is how the Western Conference is loaded and the Eastern Conference gargles the West's balls, but last time I checked, the Nuggets got swept out and the Mavericks got booted as well, both perennial playoff teams in the west. Meanwhile, the Atlanta Freakin' Hawks went 7 games against the BEST team in the league in Bahston.
D: JAGER BAHMBS!*
P: Go Sawx! Nomaaaaaah!
D: I have to admit that the West looks better on paper, simply because all 8 teams won at least 50 games. The East...well, Atlanta got in with 35 wins. This has been the case for a few years, so it's understandable why the East is starting to look like the red-headed stepchild of the NBA. While the East isn't lacking in star power, it always seems to take a back seat to the West. Is this another case ESPN-led East Coast bias? Oh, wait...
P: Well Dick, we've had a few laughs and even managed to offer a sound suggestion to fix the playoff debacle that is the BCS. I'll like to congratulate you on your offer of logical advice, and myself for having 3 (count em'...un, deux trois!) beers while writing this, only our second blog.
D: Congratulations, Pralines. Were they imported Mexican beers in late honor of Cinco de Mayo?
P: Alas, my dear Dick, they were but Michelob. However, I did celebrate early on Sunday with cheap margaritas.
D: Good call. I made a late run to Marsh last night to pick up some Bud Light Lime, a bag of limes, and a bottle of $4 champagne, because after all, nothing is more Mexican than champagne.
P: I enjoyed my margaritas at El Mezquite, THE Mexican restaurant in North Manchester, IN. No, really. It's the only one there.
D: Is Manchester in northern or southern Indiana?
P: Northern. Near Fort Wayne.
D: Good to know. So shall we wrap this up?
(That's what she said)
P: Hey-O! Yeah I think we've said as much as we can on the subject without becoming redundant. Or something like that. I can't read or write. (Pralines is a proud graduate of Beech Grove High School).
D: And you know what the worst part of all is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!**
P: Is that true?***
D: Yes. Everything but the reading part.****
*Not now, Chief. I’m in the fuckin zone.
**Oscar Clip
***Oscar the Grouch
****My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.
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