Super Hottie Cheerleader Extravaganza

Dick: Today we take Pralines and Dick blog in a different direction. We will branch out to reach a wider audience by talking about, you guessed it, women in sports. So, Pralines, start us off. Who has the hottest cheerleaders/dance team?
Pralines: On the national level, my vote goes for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. This primarily comes from their "exposure" through their reality TV show about that most important of life's questions: Just how does one become a professional cheerleader!? I thoroughly enjoy the skimpy workout attire but am brought back down to earth when I see the chicks doing the selection as they were once cheerleaders themselves, but now look like tanned and weathered pieces of leather.
D: I still haven't seen an episode of that Dallas Idol nonsense, or whatever the hell they call it. Personally, I think those nice southern ladies are overrated. "Dick, what position are you in to call these gorgeous professional cheerleaders overrated?" The answer is that I don't know, but I think it has something to do with my co-ownership of this blog. So suck on that, Dallas.
D: Anyway, because the Colts play them regularly, and the CBS cameramen know what I like, I've seen plenty of both the Chargers and Jaguars cheerleaders...and wow. Beautiful women + warm weather = skimpy outfits + sexual arousal. Woops. Still though. They get the job done.
P: I'm going to be a homer in a big way here and pull some hometown hotties from my bag of sexy. The dance troupe of the United States Hockey League Indiana Ice, the aptly-named Hardee's Chill Girls, are smokin' hot for a couple of very key points. 1) They all are between the ages of like 18-26. B) They don't wear traditional cheerleader uniforms, but instead usually go with the tight-ass jeans and a midriff-baring Ice top. III) They don't really care about coming up with intricate routines and decide to go straight for the man's crotch with the same gyrating and dippin' low manoeuvers seen in any number of rap videos. Potato) Since they are younger and probably at the bottom of the professional cheerleading echelon, they seem "gettable," a severely underrated attribute amongst other pro cheermongers.
D: I have to admit, I haven't been to an Ice game since they were the farm club for the Blackhawks way back in the day. I really like the gettability factor though. Great point. I wish I could say the cheerleaders here at my alma mater are in that same field, but I would be lying. (Not in the gettability sense, they are just dog ugly). We have a fat dance team, a weird Asian cheerleader who looks like the alien/octopus baby Will Smith delivers in Men In Black, and a bunch of loser dudes trying to get with all of them. Not what I like to see in my cheerleaders.*
P: I'm going to take this opportunity to combine your "dog ugly" and "loser dudes" comments to segue into a big Praliney Props (patent pending) to the all-male, all-overweight dance team for the Florida Marlins, the even more aptly-named Manatees. Being fat, drunk, at the ballpark and wanting to dance are things I can certainly relate to. I think this works well because of the sport (traditional cheerleaders and baseball don't mix, like supermodels and solid food), and the location. Nobody goes to see pro baseball in Florida, so the Manatees can totally get away with their sweet-ass moves in a nearly empty Dolphin Stadium (yes, the Marlins play in an NFL stadium. I know, I've heard).
D: There's just no way I can top that, so I will simply transition this bad boy into our next topic, which is one very close to my heart: hottest female sportscasters. I still maintain that I will marry Rachel Nichols some day, hopefully sooner than later. Erin Andrews has attained near-goddess status. Stacey Dales has kind of a weird voice, but is still hot. Colleen Dominguez might be the hottest middle-aged Latina woman on TV. Jill Arrington and Gillian Barberie deserve mention too. I just love it. I. Just. Love. It.
P: Rachel Nichols is a solid choice by combining looks with the apparent sports knowledge that some female sportscasters might be lacking. I love the clips of her in the ring with Kimbo Slice during an "E:60" piece. My first thoughts were, "Get that silverback gorilla away from my Rachel!" Erin Andrews is so hawt, but comes off as one of the sideline ladies that are there for eye candy and not for their knowledge of the game. But that's ok with me if it's ok with you. Can we petition to get Cheryl Miller and Shelley Smith off the air?
D: Cheryl Miller...yikes. It is a really bad sign if I'm more attracted to Reggie than his sister. Gross. I have this ongoing joke with my roommates that female ESPN employees serve as high class hookers for the athletes they interview. It would make sense though, right? If you are a professional athlete and Erin Andrews is coming to interview you, you're going to do all you can to bed her. Am I wrong? No. No I am not. Anyway, the joke is that these guys get all excited when they hear they are being interviewed by ESPN, then Shelley Smith or Holly Rowe shows up, and you can actually hear their penises crying. Ouch.
P: Also, I'd like to give some recognizzle (gangster for recognition) to ladies of the First Take crew on ESPN. Sage Steele gets an obligatory head nod mainly based on her name. I mean come on. She looks good, don't get me wrong. But Sage fucking Steele? Sounds like Iron Man's live-in girlfriend. And for some reason I've always had a soft spot for Dana Jacobson. She has some glaring personality flaws, like being absolutely enamored with both Michigan and Matt Leinart. Yikes.
D: Dana Jacobsen has a filthy whorish mouth off camera, which is pretty badass and definitely a turn on. However, I refuse to watch First Take because Skip Bayless makes me hate my own ability to see and hear and think. Am I missing much else?
D: Sage Steele. Oh yes. Sage Steele is a softcore porn name, if nothing else. My only familiarity with her is when she pops in on the Sportscenter "Right Now" spots. But what I see, I like.
P: On a sidenote: What's the over/under on Michele Tafoya actually being a man? 1 Y chromosome?
D: Michele has a deep voice and weird sideburns, but she isn't the worst. I have been dreading this moment all night, but the time has come. These two words are so nightmarish that they cause grown men to cry, adolescent men to swear to celibacy, and female sports fans to stare in disbelief. The two words: Pam Ward. If Michele Tafoya has 1 y-chromosome, Pam Ward has 122. The sheer thought of Pam Ward made my penis go inside me like a turtle in its shell. She reduces my sex drive to that of a used q-tip. Simply stunning. In a bad way.
P: Well, as they say in the porn industry, my wad's shot. Shall we call it a blog then?
D: Yep. I'm good with it. 100%.**
D: Until next time, Pralines.
P: Have a restful and peaceful evening, Dick.




*This is a good place for a “You know what I do like in my cheerleaders? Me. Hayoh!” line. So there it is.
**Watch the Friday Night Lights movie, and hear this line.