Back By Nobody's Demand

Dick: So here we go again. The topic at hand tonight is best coach in any sport. Of course I will stay in true Dick form and mostly talk about football coaches. Don't like it? Stop reading. I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that. Please don't stop reading.
D: Anyway, my vote for best coach has to go to Bill Parcells first of all. The man does not mince words, he does not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, and he wins games in large volumes. The proof is in the pudding, and it is hard to argue with the pudding.
D: Big Tuna Pudding, now available at WalMart!
Pralines: Big tuna pudding sounds disgusting but it is true that Parcells rules the roost in active coaches/team presidents in the NFL. Historically there's
Lombardi but right now it's all about Billy Tuna.
D: Honestly, in a historical context, my vote is for the late Bill Walsh, hands down. He completely reinvented the modern game, and his fingerprints are on practically every team's offense across the league. It is only referred to now as the "West Coast Offense," but that's malarkey. It is the Bill Walsh offense. The man was a genius, and he was also the greatest coach in the history of football. So there that is.
D: Now I'm going to venture into the great unknown and talk about other sports. I will take a stand and not cast my votes for Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich. They are good coaches, sure, but a rollerskating cockatoo could lead teams with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman, or Tim Duncan, David Robinson, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili to at least one title.
D: I think Larry Brown has proven his mettle for rebuilding lots of downtrodden teams into contenders, and he has done it with less stellar rosters. However, I will give you a deadpan Dick dark horse pick (patent pending), and say Jerry Sloan. He has never won a title, and he did work with Karl Malone and Jon Stockton, but come on. He makes the playoffs every year, he never gets any credit, and now he has turned Deron Williams into a star. Take that, readers' expectations.
P: Indeed. I like Jackson most in that group. Mostly because his nickname is the Zen Master and the way he deals with players (through the media) is genius and always works even if it sounds stupid at the time. Pat "Riles" Riley is also a nice choice, along with Larry Brown, who won both in the college ranks and in the pros if I'm not mistaken. No easy feat.
D: In baseball, Joe Torre gets the nod. Baseball usually puts me to sleep, but I know Joe Torre is a good manager...Moving on, since I know about as much about hockey as a 7 year old kid knows about mechanical engineering, I will go with Barry Melrose. He has a mullet, he's from Canada, and he's on ESPN. Those credentials need no sugarcoating.
P: Torre is a good choice. All those years in N.Y. dealing with fucking Stein-blamer and still ALWAYS making the post-season is amazing. And he did it the best way, with his quiet leadership and demanding the respect of his overpaid little biatches. Bobby Cox should also get thrown in there not only because I'm a Braves fan (Hot'lanta) but because he wins no matter the personnel. He makes all of his rosters work well even with young unknown players (see: Yunel Escobar).
D: I would have given some cred to Pat Riley, but he lost all respect from me when he bailed on this season. He completely gave up after D-Wade got hurt, not that you can necessarily blame him. Nonetheless, he was the head coach, not the director of college scouting. He needed to be on the bench, not in the stands at Pauley Pavilion or somewhere of the type.
D: And Bobby Cox is a great manager. That run of dominance they had over the NL East...wow. That probably won't happen again. Plus he gets kicked out all the time. Gotta love a guy that consistently gets off work early but still gets great production from his underlings.
P: I'm just waiting for the trade for Greg Maddux to happen and get the old band back together. Plus, Leo Mazzone (pitching coach) should come back because it looks so nice to see him rocking away in the dugout next to old ass Cox.
D: Collegiately, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski, if for no other reason than turning "Krzyzewski" into "Shachefski." Duke is also a pretty good program I guess. Pat Summit has this coaching thing down Pat. She has reached the Summit of the coaching profession, even after starting off as a Volunteer.
D: As far as college football coaches go, I could talk all night. Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll…The definition of "consistency" appears in the dictionary accompanied by pictures of those 4 men.
P: No one can touch Petey (Pablo) Carroll right now as far as I'm concerned. I like Ohio State and Tressel and the sweater vest and the respect it garners. Also, I'm excited for the introduction of Rich Rodriguez into The Big House. Maybe if he's successful all the Big 10 haters can now be easily be brushed off.
D: Rodriguez is widely acknowledged as one of the fathers of the spread/zone read option offense. Since I much prefer the run to the pass (understatement of the year...), I am always more excited to see the spread option than the spread passing attack, a la Mike Leach and Texas Tech. I think Rodriguez will get Michigan going with the spread option and be very successful, but it won't be easy at first. I wouldn't be surprised (or upset. O-H!) if the Wolverines only won 4 games this year. Seriously.
D: Now more about Mike Leach. As far as personalities go, he is probably the coolest guy to hear/read about after JoePa. Leach loves pirates, I love pirates. Leach is smart, I tell everyone I meet that I am smart. Leach didn't get into coaching until after he graduated college, I didn't get into coaching until my junior year of college. My only knock against him is that he is too pass happy. As a former lineman, I just want to see teams grind it out on the ground and run the ball. The Red Raiders aren't exactly known for that. He did take that program to unprecedented heights, though, and you have to laud him for that.
P: I must admit I am not that familiar with Mr. Leach, but Joe Pa is a personal hero of mine after that incident last year with the guy he yelled at in a fit of old man road rage. I believe he was talking senior citizen smack to a female driver and the male passenger said, "That's my wife," to which Papa Paterno replied, "That's your problem." Freakin' hilarious.
D: That one incident pretty much sums up JoePa. It just doesn't get any better than that. The man is a living legend. He is an icon. Probably most important is that he is fully committed to keeping the "student" in "student-athlete." He has had some disciplinary problems the last few years, but Christ, he's 80 years old. Grandpa can't be expected to be Daddy too. That's just not gonna happen.
P: And didn't he make his team last season clean up their home stadium after some sort of egregiuos incident? I mean that old school punishment is what I'm all about. After working as a bailiff for a year, I'm convinced the justice system is broken and completely bogged down by useless paperwork (which I have to fill out). Kenton Keith's case is in my courtroom and after reading the police report I am convinced that all cops (at least the ones in Marion County in Indiana) will try anything to arrest anybody anytime. He was originally charged with 5 different counts, 4 of which ended up being "not filed" and all he ended up being charged with is public intoxication, a B misdemeanor. And from what I could glean from the probable cause is that he wasn't causing a scene, which usually leads to public intox arrests.
D: In the words of Anthony Tony Joseph Peter Kornheiser Reali, "Now that's some inside information!" Well played, Pralines. Well played.
P: If public intox just meant being drunk in public, my ass would be a dead man walking a la Sean Penn at this point.
D: Haha, yeah. And jail crowding is bad enough as it is. I have to admit though, that when I heard of Keith's arrest, I wanted him gone. The Colts have no room for criminals and douche bags. Um…MARVIN IS INNOCENT.
D: And speaking of douche bags, Bill Belichick is a total douche. Put it this way: if the Grand Canyon were a vagina, Belicheat would be the right size douche to clean that baby out. I do have to admit that I am dead tired of hearing about spygate though. He got punished already, Matt Walsh didn't have anything new to report, and Congress has better things to do than screw around with the Patriots.
P: I agree that Congress has better things to deal with than the Patriots’ taping habits. They cheated, they got punished (pretty severely) and end game. Plus I think losing the Super Bowl to Eli and the Giant-ettes is punishment enough. Go for that patent on 18-1, assholes. On a sidenote, Archie Manning's sperm is of a super nature. Bottle that shit up and put it on ice, baby. All praise Archie's super sperm!
D: Tom Coughlin is mostly a douche bag in his own right, but he was far outweighed by the collective doucheness of the entire New England franchise. That Super Bowl might have been one of the most liberating experiences of my life...just behind losing my virginity and just ahead of getting my first car.
P: My first car was an '84 Dodge Rampage, which if you're not familiar is a cheap 80's ripoff of an El Camino. I paid straight cash for that thing and it didn't have power anything (windows, locks, steering, etc.) but it did have a non-necessary hood scoop and a fatty exhaust pipe. I miss that vehicular, but now I've got the White Shadow, which isn't too big of a downgrade.
D: Oh I remember the Ramblin' Rampage. My first car was an '89 Dodge Omni. It looked like a red turtle with wheels, and was aptly named "the turtle." It squeaked like a turkey and shook when I drove faster than 45, but I loved that machine. My '95 Grand Am now isn't horrible, but it pales in comparison to my first. The Turtle > The Red Bomb. No doubt.
P: One time, my friends PICKED UP the Rampage and moved it to another parking spot during high school. Also, it had a bed so during the winter it would fill up with snow and you could totally throw 6-packs of beer...soda in there.
D: Anything you'd like to keep cold...
P: Richard: I need your John Hancock on this.
D: Tommy Boy: John Hancock...It's HERBIE Hancock.
D: What do you think, P to the ralines, shall we put our Herbie Hancock on this installment? It is Friday night, after all.
P: Yeah, I think we've gotten far enough off topic to call it a day's work. Plus I wanna take this time to apoligize after I crashed out on what I think was Tuesday night when I suggested we do this blog in the first place.
D: Dude, apologies are for the weak.* I got into a Dynasty on NCAA Football ‘08 with my roommates this past week anyway, so I haven't had much time for anything else. Besides, we still met our quota for this week. I'm satisfied.
P: Very true. Last minute is still in time in Pralines' book.
D: I don't hear any fat ladies singing...mostly because we don't allow fat ladies in our home. But even if we did, she wouldn't be singing. She knows her place. I bid you adieu, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Mmkay, my fair Dick. Will you take the responsibility again of transferring our ramblings into a blog post form?
D: I've been copying into a word document all along. I learned from last time. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on...?
P: That's why we're such successful grads of B.G.H.S. Pride of the Hive, baby.
D: One last thing: Harvey is gone after this year...what will happen to the Hornet's nest without the queen bee roaming the halls, saying "Gentlemen" without actually making eye contact with anyone, yammering on about Renaissance this and honor roll that. It just won't be the same.
P: I agree. Although he certainly lost points after he shaved his facial hair. I mean come on. He was a shop teacher after all.
P: He totally ought to look like Grizzly Adams.
D: That thing was fierce. He looked like the Governor of Montana.


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Readers at large: “What the hell? Is that how they ended this thing? The Governor of Montana? They suck. And what the fuck kind of name is pralines and dick? That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. How thoroughly disappointing.”



*See: women and children