Dick: Today we take Pralines and Dick blog in a different direction. We will branch out to reach a wider audience by talking about, you guessed it, women in sports. So, Pralines, start us off. Who has the hottest cheerleaders/dance team?
Pralines: On the national level, my vote goes for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. This primarily comes from their "exposure" through their reality TV show about that most important of life's questions: Just how does one become a professional cheerleader!? I thoroughly enjoy the skimpy workout attire but am brought back down to earth when I see the chicks doing the selection as they were once cheerleaders themselves, but now look like tanned and weathered pieces of leather.
D: I still haven't seen an episode of that Dallas Idol nonsense, or whatever the hell they call it. Personally, I think those nice southern ladies are overrated. "Dick, what position are you in to call these gorgeous professional cheerleaders overrated?" The answer is that I don't know, but I think it has something to do with my co-ownership of this blog. So suck on that, Dallas.
D: Anyway, because the Colts play them regularly, and the CBS cameramen know what I like, I've seen plenty of both the Chargers and Jaguars cheerleaders...and wow. Beautiful women + warm weather = skimpy outfits + sexual arousal. Woops. Still though. They get the job done.
P: I'm going to be a homer in a big way here and pull some hometown hotties from my bag of sexy. The dance troupe of the United States Hockey League Indiana Ice, the aptly-named Hardee's Chill Girls, are smokin' hot for a couple of very key points. 1) They all are between the ages of like 18-26. B) They don't wear traditional cheerleader uniforms, but instead usually go with the tight-ass jeans and a midriff-baring Ice top. III) They don't really care about coming up with intricate routines and decide to go straight for the man's crotch with the same gyrating and dippin' low manoeuvers seen in any number of rap videos. Potato) Since they are younger and probably at the bottom of the professional cheerleading echelon, they seem "gettable," a severely underrated attribute amongst other pro cheermongers.
D: I have to admit, I haven't been to an Ice game since they were the farm club for the Blackhawks way back in the day. I really like the gettability factor though. Great point. I wish I could say the cheerleaders here at my alma mater are in that same field, but I would be lying. (Not in the gettability sense, they are just dog ugly). We have a fat dance team, a weird Asian cheerleader who looks like the alien/octopus baby Will Smith delivers in Men In Black, and a bunch of loser dudes trying to get with all of them. Not what I like to see in my cheerleaders.*
P: I'm going to take this opportunity to combine your "dog ugly" and "loser dudes" comments to segue into a big Praliney Props (patent pending) to the all-male, all-overweight dance team for the Florida Marlins, the even more aptly-named Manatees. Being fat, drunk, at the ballpark and wanting to dance are things I can certainly relate to. I think this works well because of the sport (traditional cheerleaders and baseball don't mix, like supermodels and solid food), and the location. Nobody goes to see pro baseball in Florida, so the Manatees can totally get away with their sweet-ass moves in a nearly empty Dolphin Stadium (yes, the Marlins play in an NFL stadium. I know, I've heard).
D: There's just no way I can top that, so I will simply transition this bad boy into our next topic, which is one very close to my heart: hottest female sportscasters. I still maintain that I will marry Rachel Nichols some day, hopefully sooner than later. Erin Andrews has attained near-goddess status. Stacey Dales has kind of a weird voice, but is still hot. Colleen Dominguez might be the hottest middle-aged Latina woman on TV. Jill Arrington and Gillian Barberie deserve mention too. I just love it. I. Just. Love. It.
P: Rachel Nichols is a solid choice by combining looks with the apparent sports knowledge that some female sportscasters might be lacking. I love the clips of her in the ring with Kimbo Slice during an "E:60" piece. My first thoughts were, "Get that silverback gorilla away from my Rachel!" Erin Andrews is so hawt, but comes off as one of the sideline ladies that are there for eye candy and not for their knowledge of the game. But that's ok with me if it's ok with you. Can we petition to get Cheryl Miller and Shelley Smith off the air?
D: Cheryl Miller...yikes. It is a really bad sign if I'm more attracted to Reggie than his sister. Gross. I have this ongoing joke with my roommates that female ESPN employees serve as high class hookers for the athletes they interview. It would make sense though, right? If you are a professional athlete and Erin Andrews is coming to interview you, you're going to do all you can to bed her. Am I wrong? No. No I am not. Anyway, the joke is that these guys get all excited when they hear they are being interviewed by ESPN, then Shelley Smith or Holly Rowe shows up, and you can actually hear their penises crying. Ouch.
P: Also, I'd like to give some recognizzle (gangster for recognition) to ladies of the First Take crew on ESPN. Sage Steele gets an obligatory head nod mainly based on her name. I mean come on. She looks good, don't get me wrong. But Sage fucking Steele? Sounds like Iron Man's live-in girlfriend. And for some reason I've always had a soft spot for Dana Jacobson. She has some glaring personality flaws, like being absolutely enamored with both Michigan and Matt Leinart. Yikes.
D: Dana Jacobsen has a filthy whorish mouth off camera, which is pretty badass and definitely a turn on. However, I refuse to watch First Take because Skip Bayless makes me hate my own ability to see and hear and think. Am I missing much else?
D: Sage Steele. Oh yes. Sage Steele is a softcore porn name, if nothing else. My only familiarity with her is when she pops in on the Sportscenter "Right Now" spots. But what I see, I like.
P: On a sidenote: What's the over/under on Michele Tafoya actually being a man? 1 Y chromosome?
D: Michele has a deep voice and weird sideburns, but she isn't the worst. I have been dreading this moment all night, but the time has come. These two words are so nightmarish that they cause grown men to cry, adolescent men to swear to celibacy, and female sports fans to stare in disbelief. The two words: Pam Ward. If Michele Tafoya has 1 y-chromosome, Pam Ward has 122. The sheer thought of Pam Ward made my penis go inside me like a turtle in its shell. She reduces my sex drive to that of a used q-tip. Simply stunning. In a bad way.
P: Well, as they say in the porn industry, my wad's shot. Shall we call it a blog then?
D: Yep. I'm good with it. 100%.**
D: Until next time, Pralines.
P: Have a restful and peaceful evening, Dick.
*This is a good place for a “You know what I do like in my cheerleaders? Me. Hayoh!” line. So there it is.
**Watch the Friday Night Lights movie, and hear this line.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Back By Nobody's Demand
Dick: So here we go again. The topic at hand tonight is best coach in any sport. Of course I will stay in true Dick form and mostly talk about football coaches. Don't like it? Stop reading. I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean that. Please don't stop reading.
D: Anyway, my vote for best coach has to go to Bill Parcells first of all. The man does not mince words, he does not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, and he wins games in large volumes. The proof is in the pudding, and it is hard to argue with the pudding.
D: Big Tuna Pudding, now available at WalMart!
Pralines: Big tuna pudding sounds disgusting but it is true that Parcells rules the roost in active coaches/team presidents in the NFL. Historically there's
Lombardi but right now it's all about Billy Tuna.
D: Honestly, in a historical context, my vote is for the late Bill Walsh, hands down. He completely reinvented the modern game, and his fingerprints are on practically every team's offense across the league. It is only referred to now as the "West Coast Offense," but that's malarkey. It is the Bill Walsh offense. The man was a genius, and he was also the greatest coach in the history of football. So there that is.
D: Now I'm going to venture into the great unknown and talk about other sports. I will take a stand and not cast my votes for Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich. They are good coaches, sure, but a rollerskating cockatoo could lead teams with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman, or Tim Duncan, David Robinson, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili to at least one title.
D: I think Larry Brown has proven his mettle for rebuilding lots of downtrodden teams into contenders, and he has done it with less stellar rosters. However, I will give you a deadpan Dick dark horse pick (patent pending), and say Jerry Sloan. He has never won a title, and he did work with Karl Malone and Jon Stockton, but come on. He makes the playoffs every year, he never gets any credit, and now he has turned Deron Williams into a star. Take that, readers' expectations.
P: Indeed. I like Jackson most in that group. Mostly because his nickname is the Zen Master and the way he deals with players (through the media) is genius and always works even if it sounds stupid at the time. Pat "Riles" Riley is also a nice choice, along with Larry Brown, who won both in the college ranks and in the pros if I'm not mistaken. No easy feat.
D: In baseball, Joe Torre gets the nod. Baseball usually puts me to sleep, but I know Joe Torre is a good manager...Moving on, since I know about as much about hockey as a 7 year old kid knows about mechanical engineering, I will go with Barry Melrose. He has a mullet, he's from Canada, and he's on ESPN. Those credentials need no sugarcoating.
P: Torre is a good choice. All those years in N.Y. dealing with fucking Stein-blamer and still ALWAYS making the post-season is amazing. And he did it the best way, with his quiet leadership and demanding the respect of his overpaid little biatches. Bobby Cox should also get thrown in there not only because I'm a Braves fan (Hot'lanta) but because he wins no matter the personnel. He makes all of his rosters work well even with young unknown players (see: Yunel Escobar).
D: I would have given some cred to Pat Riley, but he lost all respect from me when he bailed on this season. He completely gave up after D-Wade got hurt, not that you can necessarily blame him. Nonetheless, he was the head coach, not the director of college scouting. He needed to be on the bench, not in the stands at Pauley Pavilion or somewhere of the type.
D: And Bobby Cox is a great manager. That run of dominance they had over the NL East...wow. That probably won't happen again. Plus he gets kicked out all the time. Gotta love a guy that consistently gets off work early but still gets great production from his underlings.
P: I'm just waiting for the trade for Greg Maddux to happen and get the old band back together. Plus, Leo Mazzone (pitching coach) should come back because it looks so nice to see him rocking away in the dugout next to old ass Cox.
D: Collegiately, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski, if for no other reason than turning "Krzyzewski" into "Shachefski." Duke is also a pretty good program I guess. Pat Summit has this coaching thing down Pat. She has reached the Summit of the coaching profession, even after starting off as a Volunteer.
D: As far as college football coaches go, I could talk all night. Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll…The definition of "consistency" appears in the dictionary accompanied by pictures of those 4 men.
P: No one can touch Petey (Pablo) Carroll right now as far as I'm concerned. I like Ohio State and Tressel and the sweater vest and the respect it garners. Also, I'm excited for the introduction of Rich Rodriguez into The Big House. Maybe if he's successful all the Big 10 haters can now be easily be brushed off.
D: Rodriguez is widely acknowledged as one of the fathers of the spread/zone read option offense. Since I much prefer the run to the pass (understatement of the year...), I am always more excited to see the spread option than the spread passing attack, a la Mike Leach and Texas Tech. I think Rodriguez will get Michigan going with the spread option and be very successful, but it won't be easy at first. I wouldn't be surprised (or upset. O-H!) if the Wolverines only won 4 games this year. Seriously.
D: Now more about Mike Leach. As far as personalities go, he is probably the coolest guy to hear/read about after JoePa. Leach loves pirates, I love pirates. Leach is smart, I tell everyone I meet that I am smart. Leach didn't get into coaching until after he graduated college, I didn't get into coaching until my junior year of college. My only knock against him is that he is too pass happy. As a former lineman, I just want to see teams grind it out on the ground and run the ball. The Red Raiders aren't exactly known for that. He did take that program to unprecedented heights, though, and you have to laud him for that.
P: I must admit I am not that familiar with Mr. Leach, but Joe Pa is a personal hero of mine after that incident last year with the guy he yelled at in a fit of old man road rage. I believe he was talking senior citizen smack to a female driver and the male passenger said, "That's my wife," to which Papa Paterno replied, "That's your problem." Freakin' hilarious.
D: That one incident pretty much sums up JoePa. It just doesn't get any better than that. The man is a living legend. He is an icon. Probably most important is that he is fully committed to keeping the "student" in "student-athlete." He has had some disciplinary problems the last few years, but Christ, he's 80 years old. Grandpa can't be expected to be Daddy too. That's just not gonna happen.
P: And didn't he make his team last season clean up their home stadium after some sort of egregiuos incident? I mean that old school punishment is what I'm all about. After working as a bailiff for a year, I'm convinced the justice system is broken and completely bogged down by useless paperwork (which I have to fill out). Kenton Keith's case is in my courtroom and after reading the police report I am convinced that all cops (at least the ones in Marion County in Indiana) will try anything to arrest anybody anytime. He was originally charged with 5 different counts, 4 of which ended up being "not filed" and all he ended up being charged with is public intoxication, a B misdemeanor. And from what I could glean from the probable cause is that he wasn't causing a scene, which usually leads to public intox arrests.
D: In the words of Anthony Tony Joseph Peter Kornheiser Reali, "Now that's some inside information!" Well played, Pralines. Well played.
P: If public intox just meant being drunk in public, my ass would be a dead man walking a la Sean Penn at this point.
D: Haha, yeah. And jail crowding is bad enough as it is. I have to admit though, that when I heard of Keith's arrest, I wanted him gone. The Colts have no room for criminals and douche bags. Um…MARVIN IS INNOCENT.
D: And speaking of douche bags, Bill Belichick is a total douche. Put it this way: if the Grand Canyon were a vagina, Belicheat would be the right size douche to clean that baby out. I do have to admit that I am dead tired of hearing about spygate though. He got punished already, Matt Walsh didn't have anything new to report, and Congress has better things to do than screw around with the Patriots.
P: I agree that Congress has better things to deal with than the Patriots’ taping habits. They cheated, they got punished (pretty severely) and end game. Plus I think losing the Super Bowl to Eli and the Giant-ettes is punishment enough. Go for that patent on 18-1, assholes. On a sidenote, Archie Manning's sperm is of a super nature. Bottle that shit up and put it on ice, baby. All praise Archie's super sperm!
D: Tom Coughlin is mostly a douche bag in his own right, but he was far outweighed by the collective doucheness of the entire New England franchise. That Super Bowl might have been one of the most liberating experiences of my life...just behind losing my virginity and just ahead of getting my first car.
P: My first car was an '84 Dodge Rampage, which if you're not familiar is a cheap 80's ripoff of an El Camino. I paid straight cash for that thing and it didn't have power anything (windows, locks, steering, etc.) but it did have a non-necessary hood scoop and a fatty exhaust pipe. I miss that vehicular, but now I've got the White Shadow, which isn't too big of a downgrade.
D: Oh I remember the Ramblin' Rampage. My first car was an '89 Dodge Omni. It looked like a red turtle with wheels, and was aptly named "the turtle." It squeaked like a turkey and shook when I drove faster than 45, but I loved that machine. My '95 Grand Am now isn't horrible, but it pales in comparison to my first. The Turtle > The Red Bomb. No doubt.
P: One time, my friends PICKED UP the Rampage and moved it to another parking spot during high school. Also, it had a bed so during the winter it would fill up with snow and you could totally throw 6-packs of beer...soda in there.
D: Anything you'd like to keep cold...
P: Richard: I need your John Hancock on this.
D: Tommy Boy: John Hancock...It's HERBIE Hancock.
D: What do you think, P to the ralines, shall we put our Herbie Hancock on this installment? It is Friday night, after all.
P: Yeah, I think we've gotten far enough off topic to call it a day's work. Plus I wanna take this time to apoligize after I crashed out on what I think was Tuesday night when I suggested we do this blog in the first place.
D: Dude, apologies are for the weak.* I got into a Dynasty on NCAA Football ‘08 with my roommates this past week anyway, so I haven't had much time for anything else. Besides, we still met our quota for this week. I'm satisfied.
P: Very true. Last minute is still in time in Pralines' book.
D: I don't hear any fat ladies singing...mostly because we don't allow fat ladies in our home. But even if we did, she wouldn't be singing. She knows her place. I bid you adieu, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Mmkay, my fair Dick. Will you take the responsibility again of transferring our ramblings into a blog post form?
D: I've been copying into a word document all along. I learned from last time. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on...?
P: That's why we're such successful grads of B.G.H.S. Pride of the Hive, baby.
D: One last thing: Harvey is gone after this year...what will happen to the Hornet's nest without the queen bee roaming the halls, saying "Gentlemen" without actually making eye contact with anyone, yammering on about Renaissance this and honor roll that. It just won't be the same.
P: I agree. Although he certainly lost points after he shaved his facial hair. I mean come on. He was a shop teacher after all.
P: He totally ought to look like Grizzly Adams.
D: That thing was fierce. He looked like the Governor of Montana.
…
Readers at large: “What the hell? Is that how they ended this thing? The Governor of Montana? They suck. And what the fuck kind of name is pralines and dick? That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. How thoroughly disappointing.”
*See: women and children
D: Anyway, my vote for best coach has to go to Bill Parcells first of all. The man does not mince words, he does not worry about hurting anyone's feelings, and he wins games in large volumes. The proof is in the pudding, and it is hard to argue with the pudding.
D: Big Tuna Pudding, now available at WalMart!
Pralines: Big tuna pudding sounds disgusting but it is true that Parcells rules the roost in active coaches/team presidents in the NFL. Historically there's
Lombardi but right now it's all about Billy Tuna.
D: Honestly, in a historical context, my vote is for the late Bill Walsh, hands down. He completely reinvented the modern game, and his fingerprints are on practically every team's offense across the league. It is only referred to now as the "West Coast Offense," but that's malarkey. It is the Bill Walsh offense. The man was a genius, and he was also the greatest coach in the history of football. So there that is.
D: Now I'm going to venture into the great unknown and talk about other sports. I will take a stand and not cast my votes for Phil Jackson or Gregg Popovich. They are good coaches, sure, but a rollerskating cockatoo could lead teams with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman, or Tim Duncan, David Robinson, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobili to at least one title.
D: I think Larry Brown has proven his mettle for rebuilding lots of downtrodden teams into contenders, and he has done it with less stellar rosters. However, I will give you a deadpan Dick dark horse pick (patent pending), and say Jerry Sloan. He has never won a title, and he did work with Karl Malone and Jon Stockton, but come on. He makes the playoffs every year, he never gets any credit, and now he has turned Deron Williams into a star. Take that, readers' expectations.
P: Indeed. I like Jackson most in that group. Mostly because his nickname is the Zen Master and the way he deals with players (through the media) is genius and always works even if it sounds stupid at the time. Pat "Riles" Riley is also a nice choice, along with Larry Brown, who won both in the college ranks and in the pros if I'm not mistaken. No easy feat.
D: In baseball, Joe Torre gets the nod. Baseball usually puts me to sleep, but I know Joe Torre is a good manager...Moving on, since I know about as much about hockey as a 7 year old kid knows about mechanical engineering, I will go with Barry Melrose. He has a mullet, he's from Canada, and he's on ESPN. Those credentials need no sugarcoating.
P: Torre is a good choice. All those years in N.Y. dealing with fucking Stein-blamer and still ALWAYS making the post-season is amazing. And he did it the best way, with his quiet leadership and demanding the respect of his overpaid little biatches. Bobby Cox should also get thrown in there not only because I'm a Braves fan (Hot'lanta) but because he wins no matter the personnel. He makes all of his rosters work well even with young unknown players (see: Yunel Escobar).
D: I would have given some cred to Pat Riley, but he lost all respect from me when he bailed on this season. He completely gave up after D-Wade got hurt, not that you can necessarily blame him. Nonetheless, he was the head coach, not the director of college scouting. He needed to be on the bench, not in the stands at Pauley Pavilion or somewhere of the type.
D: And Bobby Cox is a great manager. That run of dominance they had over the NL East...wow. That probably won't happen again. Plus he gets kicked out all the time. Gotta love a guy that consistently gets off work early but still gets great production from his underlings.
P: I'm just waiting for the trade for Greg Maddux to happen and get the old band back together. Plus, Leo Mazzone (pitching coach) should come back because it looks so nice to see him rocking away in the dugout next to old ass Cox.
D: Collegiately, I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Mike Krzyzewski, if for no other reason than turning "Krzyzewski" into "Shachefski." Duke is also a pretty good program I guess. Pat Summit has this coaching thing down Pat. She has reached the Summit of the coaching profession, even after starting off as a Volunteer.
D: As far as college football coaches go, I could talk all night. Joe Paterno, Bobby Bowden, Jim Tressel, Pete Carroll…The definition of "consistency" appears in the dictionary accompanied by pictures of those 4 men.
P: No one can touch Petey (Pablo) Carroll right now as far as I'm concerned. I like Ohio State and Tressel and the sweater vest and the respect it garners. Also, I'm excited for the introduction of Rich Rodriguez into The Big House. Maybe if he's successful all the Big 10 haters can now be easily be brushed off.
D: Rodriguez is widely acknowledged as one of the fathers of the spread/zone read option offense. Since I much prefer the run to the pass (understatement of the year...), I am always more excited to see the spread option than the spread passing attack, a la Mike Leach and Texas Tech. I think Rodriguez will get Michigan going with the spread option and be very successful, but it won't be easy at first. I wouldn't be surprised (or upset. O-H!) if the Wolverines only won 4 games this year. Seriously.
D: Now more about Mike Leach. As far as personalities go, he is probably the coolest guy to hear/read about after JoePa. Leach loves pirates, I love pirates. Leach is smart, I tell everyone I meet that I am smart. Leach didn't get into coaching until after he graduated college, I didn't get into coaching until my junior year of college. My only knock against him is that he is too pass happy. As a former lineman, I just want to see teams grind it out on the ground and run the ball. The Red Raiders aren't exactly known for that. He did take that program to unprecedented heights, though, and you have to laud him for that.
P: I must admit I am not that familiar with Mr. Leach, but Joe Pa is a personal hero of mine after that incident last year with the guy he yelled at in a fit of old man road rage. I believe he was talking senior citizen smack to a female driver and the male passenger said, "That's my wife," to which Papa Paterno replied, "That's your problem." Freakin' hilarious.
D: That one incident pretty much sums up JoePa. It just doesn't get any better than that. The man is a living legend. He is an icon. Probably most important is that he is fully committed to keeping the "student" in "student-athlete." He has had some disciplinary problems the last few years, but Christ, he's 80 years old. Grandpa can't be expected to be Daddy too. That's just not gonna happen.
P: And didn't he make his team last season clean up their home stadium after some sort of egregiuos incident? I mean that old school punishment is what I'm all about. After working as a bailiff for a year, I'm convinced the justice system is broken and completely bogged down by useless paperwork (which I have to fill out). Kenton Keith's case is in my courtroom and after reading the police report I am convinced that all cops (at least the ones in Marion County in Indiana) will try anything to arrest anybody anytime. He was originally charged with 5 different counts, 4 of which ended up being "not filed" and all he ended up being charged with is public intoxication, a B misdemeanor. And from what I could glean from the probable cause is that he wasn't causing a scene, which usually leads to public intox arrests.
D: In the words of Anthony Tony Joseph Peter Kornheiser Reali, "Now that's some inside information!" Well played, Pralines. Well played.
P: If public intox just meant being drunk in public, my ass would be a dead man walking a la Sean Penn at this point.
D: Haha, yeah. And jail crowding is bad enough as it is. I have to admit though, that when I heard of Keith's arrest, I wanted him gone. The Colts have no room for criminals and douche bags. Um…MARVIN IS INNOCENT.
D: And speaking of douche bags, Bill Belichick is a total douche. Put it this way: if the Grand Canyon were a vagina, Belicheat would be the right size douche to clean that baby out. I do have to admit that I am dead tired of hearing about spygate though. He got punished already, Matt Walsh didn't have anything new to report, and Congress has better things to do than screw around with the Patriots.
P: I agree that Congress has better things to deal with than the Patriots’ taping habits. They cheated, they got punished (pretty severely) and end game. Plus I think losing the Super Bowl to Eli and the Giant-ettes is punishment enough. Go for that patent on 18-1, assholes. On a sidenote, Archie Manning's sperm is of a super nature. Bottle that shit up and put it on ice, baby. All praise Archie's super sperm!
D: Tom Coughlin is mostly a douche bag in his own right, but he was far outweighed by the collective doucheness of the entire New England franchise. That Super Bowl might have been one of the most liberating experiences of my life...just behind losing my virginity and just ahead of getting my first car.
P: My first car was an '84 Dodge Rampage, which if you're not familiar is a cheap 80's ripoff of an El Camino. I paid straight cash for that thing and it didn't have power anything (windows, locks, steering, etc.) but it did have a non-necessary hood scoop and a fatty exhaust pipe. I miss that vehicular, but now I've got the White Shadow, which isn't too big of a downgrade.
D: Oh I remember the Ramblin' Rampage. My first car was an '89 Dodge Omni. It looked like a red turtle with wheels, and was aptly named "the turtle." It squeaked like a turkey and shook when I drove faster than 45, but I loved that machine. My '95 Grand Am now isn't horrible, but it pales in comparison to my first. The Turtle > The Red Bomb. No doubt.
P: One time, my friends PICKED UP the Rampage and moved it to another parking spot during high school. Also, it had a bed so during the winter it would fill up with snow and you could totally throw 6-packs of beer...soda in there.
D: Anything you'd like to keep cold...
P: Richard: I need your John Hancock on this.
D: Tommy Boy: John Hancock...It's HERBIE Hancock.
D: What do you think, P to the ralines, shall we put our Herbie Hancock on this installment? It is Friday night, after all.
P: Yeah, I think we've gotten far enough off topic to call it a day's work. Plus I wanna take this time to apoligize after I crashed out on what I think was Tuesday night when I suggested we do this blog in the first place.
D: Dude, apologies are for the weak.* I got into a Dynasty on NCAA Football ‘08 with my roommates this past week anyway, so I haven't had much time for anything else. Besides, we still met our quota for this week. I'm satisfied.
P: Very true. Last minute is still in time in Pralines' book.
D: I don't hear any fat ladies singing...mostly because we don't allow fat ladies in our home. But even if we did, she wouldn't be singing. She knows her place. I bid you adieu, Pralines. Until we blog again.
P: Mmkay, my fair Dick. Will you take the responsibility again of transferring our ramblings into a blog post form?
D: I've been copying into a word document all along. I learned from last time. Oh bloody hell, is this thing still on...?
P: That's why we're such successful grads of B.G.H.S. Pride of the Hive, baby.
D: One last thing: Harvey is gone after this year...what will happen to the Hornet's nest without the queen bee roaming the halls, saying "Gentlemen" without actually making eye contact with anyone, yammering on about Renaissance this and honor roll that. It just won't be the same.
P: I agree. Although he certainly lost points after he shaved his facial hair. I mean come on. He was a shop teacher after all.
P: He totally ought to look like Grizzly Adams.
D: That thing was fierce. He looked like the Governor of Montana.
…
Readers at large: “What the hell? Is that how they ended this thing? The Governor of Montana? They suck. And what the fuck kind of name is pralines and dick? That might be the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. How thoroughly disappointing.”
*See: women and children
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Excuse This Obtrusion
Dick: Since we are right in the middle of 2 of the major 4 sports' playoff seasons, I have to ask: is the 7 game format really that much better than a single-game elimination process?
The NFL is the only major league to support this type of system, and the last time I checked it, the NFL was the most popular sport in the country...
The biggest argument for a best-of-7 series is that it truly allows the cream to rise to the top, but I'm not buying that.
Pralines: I'm not going to knock the NFL because I love it, but at the same time I feel after watching both NBA and NHL playoffs that a series is better because it undoubtedly gives you the better team overall, not just the better team that night/half/quarter.
What the NFL really has going for it compared to the other sports is the length of the season. It's so much shorter compared to, oh, let's just say Major League Baseball, whose regular season is 162 games.
D: And that's the main argument, but it's hard to say that's the case. For instance, if a game 7 goes to overtime, and the game/series is divided by 1 point or so, did the best team really win? Some series are just clearly mismatched, hence the 4 game sweeps. I just think that more people would be interested in the playoffs if they were all one shot, one kill setups.
MLB plays 162 games, NBA plays 82, NHL plays 82 also, and the NFL drags up the rear at 16. One could also say that NCAA football and basketball are major sports in America, and they both feature one-game playoff systems, although each is vastly different.
P: I agree with that point because all one game elimination games are at least exciting for a bit. But a four game sweep of the Lakers over the Nuggets in the 1st round is just unnecessary and boring.
D: Right, there will always be an overmatched and overwhelmed team being completely embarrassed by a superior opponent, but why not spice things up? Why not give the George Masons of the world at all levels a chance to live the dream?
P: I think the system that best utilizes the one game elimination playoffs is the NCAA basketball tournament. They've got that shit worked out to a science and it always does well because it's exciting for people who follow absolutely none of the regular season.
D: It stands to reason that American companies lose 9 billion dollars in profit during the opening weekend of March Madness. If that system were to be transferred over to the big leagues, I think it might pay off in the form of both excitement and revenue.
The 2005 Steelers and 2007 Giants (and it pains me to say it, but probably the 2006 Colts too) have Super Bowl rings because they got hot at the right time, and they beat superior opponents on the way to the summit.
If the NBA had a one game playoff, the 76ers would have advanced to the second round after their upset of Detroit in the first game. Now that would make a lot of people happy, wouldn't it?
P: Oh absolutely. The big drawback to these long series is the waiting. Waiting for a good matchup. Waiting for a team to be playing for its season. Now we're sort of being nitpicky here with established systems of playoffs. But I think the real issue is with the BCS. I'm venturing into your wheelhouse here so forgive me, but the main argument schools and conferences have against getting rid of the BCS and switching to some kind of legitimate championship round of playoffs is money. Sponsors want bowls to stick their names on, but, and maybe I'm just being naive, but I think a tournament of some kind would make way more money than bowls ever would. I'd be way more pumped up (and feel like far less of a douche) if I tell people I'm watching the semi-finals of the NCAA championship than the PapaJohns.com Bowl.
D: I've been waiting for this topic to present itself. The BCS is the worst thing to ever happen to college football. Worse than a senile Lou Holtz picking Notre Dame to win every week, even when they play a loaded USC team with Evan Sharpley at the helm...but I digress. There are 32 bowl games, with talk of more being added very soon. That means any team that manages to win 6 of 12 games can play a bowl. Why? So Myles Brand and the NCAA fat cats can line their pockets a little more. Fret not, though, as I have developed a way to fix NCAA football.
P: Guide me, oh seer of seers. I'll beer myself while you're typing.
D: Instead of 12 games, go back to 11. This way teams will either have a winning record, or they won't. No more .500 teams being eligible for post-season play. Divide every conference up into divisions, and make every conference play a championship game. The conference chairmen have too much control over the NCAA, and the quality of the game is suffering because of it. Case in point: Illinois was invited to the Rose Bowl last year to be embarrassed by the Men of Troy because the Big (11) Ten and Pac-10 refused to break tradition and invite a more worthy Missouri or Virginia Tech team to play against USC.
Furthermore, since the NCAA will never turn their back on the tons of sponsors they've accrued over the years through bowl payouts, I propose a compromise. Since every conference is now playing a title game and only 2 teams from each conference will be playing 12 games while the rest play 11, take a week off after conference games, and then begin the playoff system. The playoff games will be held in former bowl venues. So instead of watching the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, you're watching (1) Ohio State versus (8) Nevada in the first round game, being held in Honolulu. Sheraton still gets the sponsorship deal, but it becomes a playoff system instead of a meaningless bowl.
P: It just warms my heart to know that those numbers next to a college football's team name might actually mean something.
D: This will go on all the way up to the current BCS bowls, which will become the football counterpart of the Final Four. The only glaring problem with this idea is that some teams (like the Buckeyes, of course) would end up playing 16 games or so before the end of the season. Granted, the NFL plays 20+ including pre and post seasons, but football is an NFL player's only job. He doesn't also have to worry about taking a Spanish final while breaking down tape of his next opponent’s blitz-heavy defense.
Keep in mind, my Praliney chum, that those are seeds divided by region. 4 regions, 8 seeds, no computers. Let the teams decide who wins. It's only fair.
P: I mean, that does make sense, doesn't it? A team goes as far as its play allows it to? Not as far as a computer says it can.
And I understand that for now anyway people will be scared it doesn't make financial sense, but does capitalism have to be so rampant as to have the major sports in our country in a chokehold?
But I digress.
D: I just think there is a way for old-fashioned college football fans to be happy, corporate sponsors to be happy, and NCAA wise men to be happy.
Sports are supposed to make people happy, aren't they?
P: Last time I checked the dictionary, my name's Pralines, and I'm all about having fun. Or being a cookie-sized candy made of brown sugar and butter and pecans. I always get those confused.
D: Tomato, tomahto.
On a related playoffs note: was it at all wise for Washington's players and fans to antagonize LeBron James? Methinks no.
P: Well, it was a good call if they wanted to get out of the playoffs in the first round and have to go through another offseason of doubt as Agent Zero sat out the final game of the series with a knee injury. You know, the same one that made him sit out most of the year? Yeah, but I wouldn't worry about drama coming from Gilbert Arenas in the offseason if I were the Wizards. I mean, he's a pretty level-headed, quiet, even-tempered, non-confrontist type of person. Oh wait...nevermind.
D: It would be easy for me to sit here on my couch and call LeBron a cry baby and say he's over-rated. It would be stupid, but it would be easy. However, if I were Brendan Haywood or DeShawn Stevenson, you know--guys that actually have to try to stop LeBron, I would keep my mouth shut. He is one of the most gifted athletes the world has ever seen, and he has a history of quieting his nay-sayers. It's like that old saying, "Don't poke the bear." LeBron is very clearly a bear, and now the Wizards are mauled carcasses in the deep woods somewhere. Smart thinking, guys.
P: The NBA needs to do something about getting rid of these also-ran teams in the playoffs. All I hear is how the Western Conference is loaded and the Eastern Conference gargles the West's balls, but last time I checked, the Nuggets got swept out and the Mavericks got booted as well, both perennial playoff teams in the west. Meanwhile, the Atlanta Freakin' Hawks went 7 games against the BEST team in the league in Bahston.
D: JAGER BAHMBS!*
P: Go Sawx! Nomaaaaaah!
D: I have to admit that the West looks better on paper, simply because all 8 teams won at least 50 games. The East...well, Atlanta got in with 35 wins. This has been the case for a few years, so it's understandable why the East is starting to look like the red-headed stepchild of the NBA. While the East isn't lacking in star power, it always seems to take a back seat to the West. Is this another case ESPN-led East Coast bias? Oh, wait...
P: Well Dick, we've had a few laughs and even managed to offer a sound suggestion to fix the playoff debacle that is the BCS. I'll like to congratulate you on your offer of logical advice, and myself for having 3 (count em'...un, deux trois!) beers while writing this, only our second blog.
D: Congratulations, Pralines. Were they imported Mexican beers in late honor of Cinco de Mayo?
P: Alas, my dear Dick, they were but Michelob. However, I did celebrate early on Sunday with cheap margaritas.
D: Good call. I made a late run to Marsh last night to pick up some Bud Light Lime, a bag of limes, and a bottle of $4 champagne, because after all, nothing is more Mexican than champagne.
P: I enjoyed my margaritas at El Mezquite, THE Mexican restaurant in North Manchester, IN. No, really. It's the only one there.
D: Is Manchester in northern or southern Indiana?
P: Northern. Near Fort Wayne.
D: Good to know. So shall we wrap this up?
(That's what she said)
P: Hey-O! Yeah I think we've said as much as we can on the subject without becoming redundant. Or something like that. I can't read or write. (Pralines is a proud graduate of Beech Grove High School).
D: And you know what the worst part of all is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!**
P: Is that true?***
D: Yes. Everything but the reading part.****
*Not now, Chief. I’m in the fuckin zone.
**Oscar Clip
***Oscar the Grouch
****My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.
The NFL is the only major league to support this type of system, and the last time I checked it, the NFL was the most popular sport in the country...
The biggest argument for a best-of-7 series is that it truly allows the cream to rise to the top, but I'm not buying that.
Pralines: I'm not going to knock the NFL because I love it, but at the same time I feel after watching both NBA and NHL playoffs that a series is better because it undoubtedly gives you the better team overall, not just the better team that night/half/quarter.
What the NFL really has going for it compared to the other sports is the length of the season. It's so much shorter compared to, oh, let's just say Major League Baseball, whose regular season is 162 games.
D: And that's the main argument, but it's hard to say that's the case. For instance, if a game 7 goes to overtime, and the game/series is divided by 1 point or so, did the best team really win? Some series are just clearly mismatched, hence the 4 game sweeps. I just think that more people would be interested in the playoffs if they were all one shot, one kill setups.
MLB plays 162 games, NBA plays 82, NHL plays 82 also, and the NFL drags up the rear at 16. One could also say that NCAA football and basketball are major sports in America, and they both feature one-game playoff systems, although each is vastly different.
P: I agree with that point because all one game elimination games are at least exciting for a bit. But a four game sweep of the Lakers over the Nuggets in the 1st round is just unnecessary and boring.
D: Right, there will always be an overmatched and overwhelmed team being completely embarrassed by a superior opponent, but why not spice things up? Why not give the George Masons of the world at all levels a chance to live the dream?
P: I think the system that best utilizes the one game elimination playoffs is the NCAA basketball tournament. They've got that shit worked out to a science and it always does well because it's exciting for people who follow absolutely none of the regular season.
D: It stands to reason that American companies lose 9 billion dollars in profit during the opening weekend of March Madness. If that system were to be transferred over to the big leagues, I think it might pay off in the form of both excitement and revenue.
The 2005 Steelers and 2007 Giants (and it pains me to say it, but probably the 2006 Colts too) have Super Bowl rings because they got hot at the right time, and they beat superior opponents on the way to the summit.
If the NBA had a one game playoff, the 76ers would have advanced to the second round after their upset of Detroit in the first game. Now that would make a lot of people happy, wouldn't it?
P: Oh absolutely. The big drawback to these long series is the waiting. Waiting for a good matchup. Waiting for a team to be playing for its season. Now we're sort of being nitpicky here with established systems of playoffs. But I think the real issue is with the BCS. I'm venturing into your wheelhouse here so forgive me, but the main argument schools and conferences have against getting rid of the BCS and switching to some kind of legitimate championship round of playoffs is money. Sponsors want bowls to stick their names on, but, and maybe I'm just being naive, but I think a tournament of some kind would make way more money than bowls ever would. I'd be way more pumped up (and feel like far less of a douche) if I tell people I'm watching the semi-finals of the NCAA championship than the PapaJohns.com Bowl.
D: I've been waiting for this topic to present itself. The BCS is the worst thing to ever happen to college football. Worse than a senile Lou Holtz picking Notre Dame to win every week, even when they play a loaded USC team with Evan Sharpley at the helm...but I digress. There are 32 bowl games, with talk of more being added very soon. That means any team that manages to win 6 of 12 games can play a bowl. Why? So Myles Brand and the NCAA fat cats can line their pockets a little more. Fret not, though, as I have developed a way to fix NCAA football.
P: Guide me, oh seer of seers. I'll beer myself while you're typing.
D: Instead of 12 games, go back to 11. This way teams will either have a winning record, or they won't. No more .500 teams being eligible for post-season play. Divide every conference up into divisions, and make every conference play a championship game. The conference chairmen have too much control over the NCAA, and the quality of the game is suffering because of it. Case in point: Illinois was invited to the Rose Bowl last year to be embarrassed by the Men of Troy because the Big (11) Ten and Pac-10 refused to break tradition and invite a more worthy Missouri or Virginia Tech team to play against USC.
Furthermore, since the NCAA will never turn their back on the tons of sponsors they've accrued over the years through bowl payouts, I propose a compromise. Since every conference is now playing a title game and only 2 teams from each conference will be playing 12 games while the rest play 11, take a week off after conference games, and then begin the playoff system. The playoff games will be held in former bowl venues. So instead of watching the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, you're watching (1) Ohio State versus (8) Nevada in the first round game, being held in Honolulu. Sheraton still gets the sponsorship deal, but it becomes a playoff system instead of a meaningless bowl.
P: It just warms my heart to know that those numbers next to a college football's team name might actually mean something.
D: This will go on all the way up to the current BCS bowls, which will become the football counterpart of the Final Four. The only glaring problem with this idea is that some teams (like the Buckeyes, of course) would end up playing 16 games or so before the end of the season. Granted, the NFL plays 20+ including pre and post seasons, but football is an NFL player's only job. He doesn't also have to worry about taking a Spanish final while breaking down tape of his next opponent’s blitz-heavy defense.
Keep in mind, my Praliney chum, that those are seeds divided by region. 4 regions, 8 seeds, no computers. Let the teams decide who wins. It's only fair.
P: I mean, that does make sense, doesn't it? A team goes as far as its play allows it to? Not as far as a computer says it can.
And I understand that for now anyway people will be scared it doesn't make financial sense, but does capitalism have to be so rampant as to have the major sports in our country in a chokehold?
But I digress.
D: I just think there is a way for old-fashioned college football fans to be happy, corporate sponsors to be happy, and NCAA wise men to be happy.
Sports are supposed to make people happy, aren't they?
P: Last time I checked the dictionary, my name's Pralines, and I'm all about having fun. Or being a cookie-sized candy made of brown sugar and butter and pecans. I always get those confused.
D: Tomato, tomahto.
On a related playoffs note: was it at all wise for Washington's players and fans to antagonize LeBron James? Methinks no.
P: Well, it was a good call if they wanted to get out of the playoffs in the first round and have to go through another offseason of doubt as Agent Zero sat out the final game of the series with a knee injury. You know, the same one that made him sit out most of the year? Yeah, but I wouldn't worry about drama coming from Gilbert Arenas in the offseason if I were the Wizards. I mean, he's a pretty level-headed, quiet, even-tempered, non-confrontist type of person. Oh wait...nevermind.
D: It would be easy for me to sit here on my couch and call LeBron a cry baby and say he's over-rated. It would be stupid, but it would be easy. However, if I were Brendan Haywood or DeShawn Stevenson, you know--guys that actually have to try to stop LeBron, I would keep my mouth shut. He is one of the most gifted athletes the world has ever seen, and he has a history of quieting his nay-sayers. It's like that old saying, "Don't poke the bear." LeBron is very clearly a bear, and now the Wizards are mauled carcasses in the deep woods somewhere. Smart thinking, guys.
P: The NBA needs to do something about getting rid of these also-ran teams in the playoffs. All I hear is how the Western Conference is loaded and the Eastern Conference gargles the West's balls, but last time I checked, the Nuggets got swept out and the Mavericks got booted as well, both perennial playoff teams in the west. Meanwhile, the Atlanta Freakin' Hawks went 7 games against the BEST team in the league in Bahston.
D: JAGER BAHMBS!*
P: Go Sawx! Nomaaaaaah!
D: I have to admit that the West looks better on paper, simply because all 8 teams won at least 50 games. The East...well, Atlanta got in with 35 wins. This has been the case for a few years, so it's understandable why the East is starting to look like the red-headed stepchild of the NBA. While the East isn't lacking in star power, it always seems to take a back seat to the West. Is this another case ESPN-led East Coast bias? Oh, wait...
P: Well Dick, we've had a few laughs and even managed to offer a sound suggestion to fix the playoff debacle that is the BCS. I'll like to congratulate you on your offer of logical advice, and myself for having 3 (count em'...un, deux trois!) beers while writing this, only our second blog.
D: Congratulations, Pralines. Were they imported Mexican beers in late honor of Cinco de Mayo?
P: Alas, my dear Dick, they were but Michelob. However, I did celebrate early on Sunday with cheap margaritas.
D: Good call. I made a late run to Marsh last night to pick up some Bud Light Lime, a bag of limes, and a bottle of $4 champagne, because after all, nothing is more Mexican than champagne.
P: I enjoyed my margaritas at El Mezquite, THE Mexican restaurant in North Manchester, IN. No, really. It's the only one there.
D: Is Manchester in northern or southern Indiana?
P: Northern. Near Fort Wayne.
D: Good to know. So shall we wrap this up?
(That's what she said)
P: Hey-O! Yeah I think we've said as much as we can on the subject without becoming redundant. Or something like that. I can't read or write. (Pralines is a proud graduate of Beech Grove High School).
D: And you know what the worst part of all is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!**
P: Is that true?***
D: Yes. Everything but the reading part.****
*Not now, Chief. I’m in the fuckin zone.
**Oscar Clip
***Oscar the Grouch
****My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.
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