Parsley, Sage Rosenfels, and Thyme

Dick: Al Davis said if we don't produce more blogs, we would be replaced and not paid for our work. I found that weird since I didn't know we were under his employ, and we definitely aren't getting paid. Nonetheless, here we go. MLB playoffs are in full swing, college football is picking up where last season left off, and the NFL is still a little murky and tough to read. Thoughts? Questions? Sweet nothings?
Pralines: The. Chicago. Cubs. I am not alone in thinking you make Dr. Henry "Gunther" Heimlich look like the guy who didn't invent the maneuver to dislodge whatever got collectively stuck in your teams' esophagus. The Dodgers are good, but swept at home with the best record in the N.L.? That's insane. The Cubs will never win the World Series. I'm now calling for a Tampa Bay/Los Angeles World Series matchup. I've got the Rays in 6.
D: Tampa Bay has a lot of the swagger and mojo that recent Florida Marlins teams have had. They just seem to be heading in the right direction. It's a great story, too. A team that couldn't even win with Lou Piniella at the helm suddenly comes out of nowhere to take the AL east, the most historically rich division in all of baseball. Speaking of Sweet Lou, the Cubs are more devastating to the city of Chicago than cow-induced arson. I've never been a huge fan of big city teams, but I am glad the White Sox took home the crown a few years ago. If it weren't for them, the Super Fans might have had to relocate to Beijing, where championships are genetically engineered.
P: Sweet Lou's going to be receiving a sweet pink slip if his team slips up bigtime next season. Two trips to the postseason under his belt with the Cubbies, and this year going in as a big favorite, and he's 0 for his life in Chi-town in the playoffs. The talent level's not the problem. Winning in the regular season isn't the problem. They need a Tony Robbins-like figure to motivate their asses off or to turn to the Zen art of meditation to reach a higher plane of consciousness and learn how to play baseball as astral projections of themselves. Beats getting booed in person.
D: This year did have a cosmic/karmic feel to it for them, too. It would have been 100 years since their last title. They had no drastic injuries that ruined their playoff hopes. They went wire to wire and held off a late push by the Brew Crew. But like they say, almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades. No one should ever believe this is the Cubs' year until they record their 3rd out in the 9th inning of their 4th win of the World Series. Seriously, Chicago. Get some fat ladies, and teach them to sing. The Cubbies need all the finishing help they can get.
P: Let's move on to cheerier topics. How 'bout them Cowboys? Well, they lost at home against Washington for the first time in about 20 years, T.O. has roughly 1/3 of the offense going through him and he's complaining about needing the ball more, and today Adam Jones pulled a Pacman by eating dots and fruit and chasing brightly colored effeminate ghosts around a maze, I mean, he got the cops called on him. They were alot of people's Super Bowl pick for this year, but now they look ready to implode at any second.
D: I hope they do. When you have a back like Marion Barber, who is fully capable of making an opposing defense look soft and decrepit, you should probably give him more than 8 carries. When you draft a burner like Felix Jones in the first round, you should probably get him more than 0 (yes, zero) touches. When you have a mercurial talent like Terrell Owens, who is just as likely to score 3 touchdowns as he is to break down and wear a tutu in the middle of Texas Stadium, you should probably tell him to shut his goddamn mouth and catch the ball when it is thrown at him. That's it. I would love to see the Giants continue to steamroll folks and win the NFC east by a mile. America's team, my ass. I hate the Cowboys.
P: Giants are looking great right meow in the NFC, as are the Redskins. The Eagles have fallen off as I totally saw coming. I'm not down with analysts calling McNabb one of the league's top QB's when he's been injured and forced to miss games in like his last three seasons. This would be his first complete season in like 3-4 years, which is ludicrous. The qualifier "when he's healthy" ain't for shit when you're chowing Campbell's Chunky Soup on the sideline the last half of the season. The AFC...wtf, mate? I dunno what's going on over there. Colts are lucky to be 2-2. Chargers are a mess. Titans are undefeated with Kerry Collins at QB? It hurts my brain to think about.
D: Don't forget Miami. Ronnie Brown is straight beasting it. If Chad Pennington can limit his mistakes, Ronnie Brown can keep his level of play up where it has been, Icky Sticky Ricky Williams can continue to meditate instead of toke up, and the Big Tuna's defensive mindset can take hold, look out for the Fins. Also the Bills. Trent Edwards, Marshawn (Ugliest-guy-in-the-league) Lynch, and Lee Evans constitute a heck of a trio up in Buffalo-town. How awesome would it be if the perennial doormats of the east came back to make the playoffs and shut the door on the Cassel-led Pats? As for the Colts, well...health is serving as a major detriment, while piss poor defense and special teams continue to bog the team down. Thanks for guys like Gus Frerotte and Sage Rosenfels who just can't help but cost their teams a victory. On a related sidenote: how super badass was Rosenfels' flying helicopter fumble??? Sweet mercy.
P: That was amazing looking. As was Gary "Stumpy" Brackett's fumble recovery-TD run. If I had to call it right meow, I'm calling for the Giants to make it back to the Super Bowl and I can't even decide on an AFC team right meow, they're all so out of whack. I don't trust the Titans maintaining this level of play. Jeff Fisher's good people and that defense is awesome, but too many questions on offense. And what of the Vince Young one man drama department? Even if he's not playing, he can find someway to throw a wrench in this whole thing. Or use that wrench to break Kerry Collins' ankle. Either way. Either way's fine.
D: I agree about Tennessee. I haven't really seen them play this year, but it has to be a lot of "beginner's luck," if you will. I know, I know--they can run the ball and play good defense, which every ESPN talking head says you need to do to win in the playoffs. Blah blah blah. Until the Pats, Bolts, and Colts are officially dethroned, it is going to be hard to count them out, especially this early in the season. When the Colts get Lilja and Sanders back, things could start to click. And as soon as Norv Turner remembers that LT is a better offensive player than Philip Rivers, San Diego will probably cause some problems too. But the frontrunners now seem to be Tennessee, Buffalo, and Denver. Pardon my skepticism, but no fucking way are those going to be the top 3 seeds come playoff time.
P: The Steelers are in the mix too. Until Big Ben gets a big broken bone with all the punishment he's enduring of late amidst all the other injuries on his squad. Meow I don't know what's so damn funny about picking the Bills.* Giants-Bills in the big game would be fantastic. Then again, so would Giants-Colts. Eli to Peyton 1 week before their Super Bowl showdown: "It's on like Donkey Kong."
D: I just hope the Colts can survive this brutal schedule over the next month at or above .500. When Pocket Hercules comes back to shore up the defense with his dreads and Superman cape, things will get back to the way they should be. Honestly, it might not be the worst thing in the world for the Colts to not wrap up the division in week 13 and lose all their momentum before another lackluster first round exit. The last 3 Super Bowl champions played on wild card weekend. Coincidence? Methinks not.
P: Meow that's some logic I can get behind. Let's end this tea party. I'm late for an important engagement with beer and sports. I'd hate to keep Mr. Coors waiting.
D: "I think I'll just quit while I'm ahead." "You're not that far ahead, Ted."
P: I'm lost on this quote and I am ashamed. Starting right meow.
D: It's from There's Something About Mary. No harm, no foul.
P: Thank you, Chuck Norris. I mean, Dick.
D: Have a good one, pal. Tell our old friend beer that I miss him and love him.
P: I'll pass along the sentiments. But he won't pass me any sediments. Beer joke.
D: Hayoh!
P: Until next time, Dick.





*Officer, that’s not ours.
Candy bars!!!